Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I'm going to try and post a series of my flash fiction because I'm trying to work on this kind of short story writing. Phew! It is tough to try and say a lot with few words. This one's just 143 words. :D Enjoy!
The rays of the sun have come out to play. Winter is quietly shying away from everyone’s lips, and colour is now eminent, from the budding plants, to people’s pants. The sky is bright and blue again. Oh how I wish I could be up there, beyond the sky. As I sit on the side walk, helpless and confused, I try not to think about it. For how will I explain the tear, softly caressing my cheek? I’ve tried not to let it roam free, but my feelings have been hurt, it’s only right- it’s my right to cry. Two girls approach me; waddling skirts, talkin’ dirt, free from hurt. They wouldn’t understand. For they didn’t see his eyes, denying ever loving me; denying me security. Those eyes; murky brown, no longer deep and soft- kicking me out! That son of a bitch!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
OK... I really like this. I think that even though this is short and not that long it is really good. You have given us detail and have shown us what you wanted to show us with little words possible. Keep going like this and I think that you will be come a great and wonderful author.
Hey there! Rebel to review.
I enjoyed this piece. You had decent description in the first two sentences. The sentence "For how will I explain the tear, softly caressing my cheek?" was my favorite sentence out of this piece. I liked it because most wouldn't come up with a creative way of saying that the character is crying.
There was one grammar mistake that I noticed. In the phrase "from the budding plants, to people's pants", the comma isn't necessary.
Overall, you had a nice piece. Keep writing!
I like your idea of having these mini short stories but this reads more like a poem no matter how I look at it. Be it the use of rhyme or the way it is phrased, I think the whole thing would be much more effective as poetry, laid out with line-breaks and stanzas and all.
This is going to be a pretty short review so I hope I can at least touch on one thing in particular which is some words for example:
tear- should be tears
eminent- the definition kind of fits but not really.
This bit sorta of reads strangely, but I don't really have a suggestion to fix it.
Also.. I re-read it a few times and I kind of take back the poem thing. It still reads as a poem if you want it to but also reads as a story, it depends on how you read it.
Ziggie my main gal! (did I really just say that?) Here to review!
Okay I doubt this review will be very long because there's not much to comment on as this is flash fiction. I'll also tell you know I don't think I've ever properly reviewed flash fiction, but that shouldn't make too much of a difference because it's all prose, right? Anyways enough rambling and onto the review, I'll start off with what I liked. I think I mention this too much in all my reviews, but I think varying sentence lengths is SO important, I swear it psychologically keeps the readers engaged. I think here in this small space you've done an excellent job at varying the sentence lengths, and punctuation.
Because you used a semi-colon just before this, I think it should be replaced with a dash (-) also because I think it would look better. I know you're not painting a pretty picture or anything, but that's what I think! xD
I think these two sentences should be joined together other the 'for how...' bit doesn't really make sense on it's own. Also, i'm not sure why you've used 'for' because I only remember it being used in that way in Jane Eyre or something like that.
Right, so I've read a fair amount of flash fiction to get the general gyst of everything, I'm usually confused right up until the last sentence where everything makes more sense. Here I was expecting that to happen also, but I still don't understand it. It's probably just me being a bit silly, but I think it's important to have a defined sort of punch-line type thing with flash fiction, rather than leaving it hanging in the air.
Also, I didn't really like the random rhyming that much. I'm not sure if you included those in on purpose but I think that when you read it it kind of disturbs the flow a bit, and because it's such a short piece it's more noticeable. Maybe this is me looking at this more from a poetical perspective because to me it doesn't seem natural to have rhymes in prose ALTHOUGH that's probably just some weird mindset I have. But yeah, I still think it disturbs the flow a bit.
Generally though, I really liked this! Flash-fiction is actually really hard to write (I think) and I've had a few failed attempts at it. I look forward to reading more, please let me know when you do post again ^^
Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x
Hiya ^_^
I enjoyed this a lot, it's a style I've never seen. I am not a punctuation master by any means, my style is actually the less the better. I think there is actually too much here, although I do love the dashes. I tend to see past punctuation to absorb the meaning of the words. I also deal with mainly poetry, knowing this is a short story will require punctuation in places I would not know where to put said punctuation in.
"Winter is quietly shying away from everyone’s lips, and colour is now eminent" This part of the story is my absolute favorite. It's very strong, a great way to keep people reading on.
It's a very great short story and very unique. This sums up my very amateurish opinion.
JC
It was quite abrupt and confusing but fairly good I liked the ending
I like that you had a rhyme scheme is some parts of this short. Maybe next time you could try prose or even in poem form? Also its fun how you described things people don't often notice, like the color of peoples pants. Its their, but we just don't really acknowledge it.
Thank you all for your comments ^_^