A Tragic Tale: Chapter 1 - A Heavenly Creature

by abbie651382

Published August 12, 2013

12+

In A Tragic Tale

It was my first day of school. To my surprise, I was the only transferee in the senior batch. I suddenly felt out of place and that previous fact made me more nervous. Socializing during high school was not really a good idea for me because I had that impression that every student already had a peer group. It would be awkward in my case to mingle with those people who already knew each other very well.

"You know, there's a transfer student in the higher section," I overheard the girl talking to her friend as I was walking through the entrance gate; I was walking behind them.

"Yeah, I heard. And, there's also this spreading rumor that she's a genius. Imagine, a transferee being able to get to the star section so suddenly. It's a history!" her friend replied.

"Wow! Ferrel? Who the hell is that person?" the girl said and their conversation ended as their thoughts travelled.

Ferrel. So, they were talking about me? Wow, I felt challenged. What were they expecting of me? I thought I was over with those kind of people who seemed to be just taking advantage of me.

I didn't go straight to my room. The principal felt a sympathy to me right away upon seeing my last year's report card. He was the reason why I was on the star section when transferees, though having high grades, were usually placed on the regular class. See, star section was way different than others. It has its permanent room and permanent set of students in all subjects. Those who belong there were the top twenty students in the whole batch. Anyway, the principal told me to go straight to him on my first day so he'll be able to get me an escort to tour me inside the campus. Actually, I badly needed it because it just felt comfortable having someone beside me rather than being alone in enduring all the stares and whispers I would be expecting once I get to my building.

"Good morning, Mr. Ladera!" I said as I knocked by the principal's office.

"Ah, Ms. Ferrel!" Mr. Ladera, the principal, glanced up on me. "You ready now for your first day? I asked Mrs. Dabato to assist you."

He reached over the telephone and dialed. "Mrs. Dabato, come now at my office. Ms. Ferrel is already here." Then, he hung up.

He returned his attention on me. "Mrs. Dabato will actually be your English teacher. She may seem strict, but she's actually nice. You'll be okay here; I assure you."

"Thank you, sir! That's very nice of you!"

"That's okay. I know I made a right move. I don't mind helping you because I know you deserved it. I know you'll be successful someday."

"Thank you very much!" I couldn't think of more to say.

"Mrs. Dabato!" the principal's eyes lit up as Mrs. Dabato knocked and came in. "She's the new student I told you. This is Ms. Ferrel. Her educational background amazes me. You better keep an eye on her."

"Sure, Mr. Ladera," Mrs. Dabato replied then she turned to me. "Hello, Ms. Ferrel. Are you ready now to come in your class?"

I answered a nod.

"Let's go, then," Mrs. Dabato placed her hand on my back.

"You have a nice day Ms. Ferrel," Mr. Ladera blessed.

I just smiled at him and left with Mrs. Dabato.

Actually, I felt nervous walking along with Mrs. Dabato. Mr. Ladera said it right. Mrs. Dabato was not an easy-to-be-with type of person. She was someone who had high standards.

"You're from a boarding school, right?" Mrs. Dabato asked me as we walked towards the building where my classroom and hers were located.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied.

"Anyone who's really excellent will still shine wherever he goes. Do you agree, Ms. Ferrel?"

I was a little bit confused with what she meant but I still managed to say a yes.

"You won the eyes of the principal. What an influential girl you are! Are you really that type of person?"

I suddenly slowed my steps to look at her but she was keeping her pace, as if she didn't mind her words. I jogged back to keep up beside her.

"I heard all about your achievements, Eunice."

I kept silent, ignoring the fact that she called me by my first name.

"I am expecting you to be on top."

That was when we took a turn off the right wing of the corridor. She led me to the room at the very end and the students that filled the other classroom fell silent as we passed.

Mrs. Dabato called the attention of the woman, who had a curly bob hair, in the middle of her discussion. The class's attention was diverted to us, the people by the door. Upon seeing my face, the class went wild like they were seeing a celebrity. The woman, whom Mrs. Dabato called, tried to hush the class but they just wouldn't fall silent. She walked towards us.

"This is the girl I told you, Mrs. Luna," Mrs. Dabato said to her.

Mrs. Luna looked at me from head to toe. "Oh yes! Come in!" she told me.

I smiled and started to come inside, but Mrs. Dabato caught me. What's wrong with this woman? She's getting on my nerves.

"The principal especially recommended her to be in this section. She should have been my student," Mrs. Dabato said.

"Yes. I'll take care of her Mrs. Dabato. Now, if you please?" Mrs. Luna eyed at the clutch of Mrs. Dabato on my elbow.

"Oh, yes. Sorry. Go inside now, Eunice," Mrs. Dabato released my arm.

I heard shrieks as I walked inside.

"Okay, class, you have a new classmate. You behave," Mrs. Luna was at the top of her voice yet it was still so soft.

"Hey you, section one!" Mrs. Dabato's voice boomed. "Aren't you ashamed? You have a new classmate who just came inside and you're too noisy!"

The shrieks turned into whispers.

"Ms. Ferrel, you get that extra chair," Mrs. Dabato told me, referring to the isolated chair by the window. "Now, you are arranged alphabetically, right? Mrs. Luna, are they already arranged?"

"Yes, ma'am," Mrs. Luna replied. I didn't get the point why Mrs. Dabato seemed to have more authority than Mrs. Luna when she was handling the star section.

"So, you're Ferrel. What's before Ferrel? Where's the F?" Mrs. Dabato asked.

The students frantically pointed one another.

"What's your surname?" Mrs. Dabato pointed the fat girl on the fourth row.

"Frans, ma'am," the girl replied.

"You?" Mrs. Dabato pointed the girl at the end of the third row.

"Easterwood," she replied.

"Eunice, you put your chair there," Mrs. Dabato told me, referring beside the girl who's last name was Easterwood.

I followed Mrs. Dabato's order. She excused herself so she could attend her own class on the other room. Mrs. Luna then resided the floor and the class was once again noisy.

"Quiet!" Mrs. Luna scolded. "Is it just your first time to see someone beautiful?"

I blushed at Mrs. Luna's words. Beautiful, me? I let out a laugh - the surroundings were so easy to adapt with. Some girls who were far more beautiful - or rather really beautiful - looked at me scornfully. I just smiled at them.

"Would you please introduce yourself?" Mrs. Luna asked.

I confidently rose from my seat and walked towards the front. "My name's Eunice Gabrielle Ferrel. You may call me Eunice. I was born on the eleventh of December and I'm already fifteen years old."

"Where do you live?" Mrs. Luna interrupted.

"J B Valdego Subdivision, ma'am," I answered.

"J B Valdego Subdivision? If by any chance, you are neighbors with the twins? Lovegood twins," - the twins shot up - "do you know each other?"

"Yes."

"No."

We answered at the same time. I was then confused. They know me?

"Okay, okay. So, what's your talent?" Mrs. Luna changed the subject.

"I don't think I have one. But, I love writing and reading stories," I answered.

I saw the whole class was disappointed of my answer. Nerd-alert.

"Reading and writing? Okay. Thank you. You may take your seat now," Mrs. Luna said.

I went back to my seat and I could feel eyes trailing me.

"So, you have a new classmate. Don't bully her. She's from a boarding school so help her adjust, okay?" Mrs. Luna told the class. "Let's go back to our election. The nomination for president is now open. I'll allow only two candidates."

I was observing my classmates during the whole election period. I won as the class auditor because they thought of me as someone who's nerd. What's new?

By lunch time, a bunch of students swarmed me. They asked me about this and that. I could've just recorded my biography and let them listen to it.

Fortunately, the crowd finally felt hunger. They decided to order some food. They invited me but I refused. I had sandwiches with me.

I was once again alone in the big table we occupied. I turned my head back so I could observe the new environment. At that same time, my eyes fell on a tall guy who had a fair skin. He was all alone in a two-seated table beside the window. He had that invisible radiance to me that my heart suddenly raced. I couldn't take my eyes off him and they just couldn't stop trailing him. I felt like I was seeing a heavenly creature.

I quickly tried to regain my focus. I averted my eyes off that angelic guy and fixed my seating position. It was then that I realized I was hyperventilating.

The next minute, people started filling up the table. The girl who had pretty wavy hairlocks filled in the chair beside me, together with her short-haired brunette bud. They were both carrying a banana con yelo.

"By the way Eunice, I'm Rhadilyn," the wavy-haired girl showed her dimples to me.

"And I am Jace," her friend also introduced herself to me.

I smiled shyly at them and took a bite on my stuffed sandwich.

After that short acquaintance, they went back to the conversation they had before they sat. I was once again observing the others with their businesses. I stole glances to the guy I'd seen earlier. He seemed to be melancholic and I badly wanted to know why.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
abbie651382
Comment
abbie651382 commented Comment · Aug 18, 2013

Hey guys! I wanted so bad to reply to all your comments and reviews but I do lack of time right now. Haha! I'm so sorry. So, I'll make it general instead. :) Thanks for reading my story. It means a lot to me. Haha! Thanks for reviewing! It helps me improve my writing skills. I'll keep in mind all your pieces of advice and I'll try to make this story less cliche (cliche stories are sometimes good). :D

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Aug 13, 2013

Hi there!

Let me start off by saying that I am very intrigued by this story. You have done a good job introducing your character. That's what really drew me in. I think Eunice is a great character, with a cool name, who obviously has a lot of back story and history that we haven't even begun to understand.

Everyone who's already reviewed covered most of what I was going to say. I guess that's what I get for not finishing the review in one day. You do have some grammatical errors and your dialogue could be a bit more realistic, but I think you did well. Nothing bad sticks out at me. My advice is just read over your chapter a few times before posting it. That way you'll catch all your mistakes before we do.

Overall I find this story quite intriguing and I cannot wait to read more. Please let me know when the next chapter is up! :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
KingKamor
Review
KingKamor wrote a review Review · Aug 13, 2013

Hi, I'm here to review your chapter.

I think that both Empress and Homeschooledteen got the point across that you need to work on grammar, so I will skip that and go straight to what bothered me the most about this piece: the dialogue.

When you write dialogue, try to imagine someone you know saying it in all seriousness. My teachers in high school never spoke like they did in your piece. In fact, they were very casual the whole time, cursing at kids to get them to shut up, called other teachers by their first names, etc.

Also, this line:
"Quiet!" Mrs. Luna scolded. "Is it just your first time to see someone beautiful?"

I can't tell if this was sarcastic or not, because if she's saying it to a girl who is inherently considered "ugly" then that's just plain mean, though Eunice takes it as a compliment. I think some clarification is needed here.

Also, transfer students really aren't that interesting unless you're the main character of an anime. I had a phase in my writing that used a lot of anime cliches, too (so many years ago), but you should grow out of it soon.

The story is fine for teen fiction, but tread carefully; you don't want to delve into Twilight territory where all of the important characters are all pretty and popular.

While this might sound overly harsh, you should continue writing this with everyone's advice in mind. That's why we're here: to help you get better than you currently are. And to achieve that, I wish you good luck!

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KnightTeen
Review
KnightTeen wrote a review Review · Aug 12, 2013

Hey, HT here to review.

It's my first day of school. To my surprise, I was the only transferee in the senior batch.


You start out using present tense (is) and then immediately transition to past (was). I think that you should change the tense of the first sentence to match the rest of the story.

I suddenly felt out of place and the fact made me more nervous.


What was the fact that made her feel out of place? And in place of 'the' I believe that you should use 'that'.

there's a transferee student


I think using 'transfer' in place of 'transferee' would make a little more sense. "I am the transferee, She is the transfer".

It's a history!" her friend replied.


Not entirely sure what you meant by this portion.

I smiled and gestured to come inside,


I don't understand why Eunice gestured for the teacher to come into the hall. I think that you meant, "started'.



I see a lot of things that you can improve on, but I also see a lot of the potential that you have. You're a good writer, and you have a good plotline here. Just keep an eye on your grammar.

If you wouldn't mind, please notify me when you publish the next chapter.

Peace,
HT

Hi! Thank you very much for the comments and review! I do appreciate it! :D I already edited the points you mentioned. As for the date of the next chapter, I still don't know when because I'm so busy at this moment. Hehe! But surely, I'll keep in mind to notify you. :)

User avatar
Empress
Review
Empress wrote a review Review · Aug 12, 2013

Hi there!

First of all, I enjoyed this piece, and your tone is nice. It has potential. The opening paragraph was also a good hook and it worked well.

I just have a couple of points.

This line:
"What were they expecting of me? I thought I was over with those kind of people who seemed to be just taking advantage on me." - should be "taking advantage of me."

Here:
"I didn't went straight to my room." It should be "I didn't go straight to my room."

And I'm not sure what you mean when you say the principal "looked up on me."

This: "Then, he hanged up" should be, "then, he hung up", and someone's eyes can't have "lightened up", they "lit up".

And here: "You won the eyes the principal," it should be, "You won the eyes of the principal".

These sentences:
"That was when we took a turn on the right wing of the corridor. She led me on the room at the dead end. The students at the middle room fell silent as we passed and continued to the next room."
would work better as:
"That was when we took a turn off the right wing of the corridor. She led me to the room at the very end and the students that filled the other classrooms fell silent as we passed. Even though the doors were wide open, they only saw me for a second, but still, an awed hush descended."

I'm going to stop here with the grammar corrections, because there seem to be quite a few! It would help if you read right through your piece, and even read sections aloud to yourself. If they sound disjointed or "clunky", there's probably a reason. Generally check over your grammar.

There is definitely potential here but I'm a little confused as to why everyone is treating Eunice like a celebrity? Is she? New people aren't that interesting after all :P

Also, I'm a bit worried about this guy she saw. It seems a little like the start of Twilight so I sincerely hope he's not a vampire! I also would avoid having her magically ending up with him in a big "happily ever after" type cliche. Either make him not what he seems, and he is not, in fact, the guy she skips off into the sunset with at the end of the book, or make him a fatally flawed character.

Keep writing!

Bethan :)

Hi! Thanks for the review! I just realized it has a lot of typos and I'm glad you pointed them out. :D Your questions about the characters will be answered in the next chapters but I still don't know when (I'm so busy at the moment). Hehe! As to the guy she saw (who will be named in the next chapter), I already had a character in mind. I just don't know if you'll like him. Haha! Thanks again for the comments and reviews! :D



I’ll marry the finest banana in the galaxy for you.
— Atticus