Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Chapter 4
That night as I lay awake in my bed I couldn't help but bring back the memory of Matt's lips on mine; it was almost like a fire that went off inside me, almost like I belonged to him.
I heard a noise outside my window that sounded like a foot sliding through the damp grass, sinking into the freshly-soaked ground.I crawled to the end of my bed, which was facing the balcony on the edge of my room, and looked out the two huge glass doors. I couldn't see anything that was out of place. I sighed in relief as I laid back down.
"Cree?" I heard someone whisper.
I looked around, but couldn't see anyone in the room. I thought I recognized the voice, but there was no way that he could have-- the shadow of a man moved past the window. I picked up the baseball bat that has always laid beside my bed propped up by the bedside stand and crawled all the way out of the bed.
"Is someone there?" I whispered as I opened the door a crack to get a better look of outside.I looked down and saw that there was a flower under my foot. I hurriedly bent to pick it up, despite my gut feeling to toss it back on the ground and run back to my warm bed. I lifted it to my face-- a black rose.
I felt large hands on me-- one clamping down over my mouth, one wrapping around my waist. My heart raced as they gently forced me to turn around. Oh god, please don't be Jeff.
I stepped back and watched as his eyes flicked across my body a long moment, before locking on my eyes. He smiled.
He let go of me and he stepped back, he looked at me and smiled.
"Want to come in?" I asked him as he looked at my doors. The sides of his mouth started to curve and it became the most beautiful smile, it reached all the way to his ears.
"Sure" He took my hand and he led me to my bed.
We layed in my bed for a few hours just talking in whisper's so my mom and Jeff wouldn't wake up. If they knew I had a boy in my room they would kill me. I heard Matt chuckle and I lifted my head from his chest and leaned on my elbow's so I could see his face.
"What?" I asked him. Making sure I didn't smile and that I looked serious.
"Nothing just thinking of something" He looked up at me and before I could stop myself I crashed my lips onto his.
I felt his arms go around my waist while I kissed his lips; his lips were so warm and gentle. I put my hands in his hair and kissed his neck. He pulled my arms around his neck and rolled so he was on top of me. He started kissing my lips, then my jaw line, and then my neck. I moaned as he found my soft spot and starting sucking on it, I couldn't help but moan louder and louder. I felt his smile as he kissed me harder. This felt familiar some how but i didn't know why. I made him stop even though I didn't want him to in fear that Jeff or my mother would wake up.
"Matt" I heard myself saying subconsciously.
"Yeah?" he asked as he pulled away. I could see his smile.
"I-Uhm- can we not do this" I tilted my head sideways so he couldn't see my expression. His fingers found my chin with grace and he tilted my head back so I could see him. He didn't look hurt or anything so I guess he was thinking the same thing I was.
"Sorry" was all he said.
We laid on my bed for a couple of minutes before I could feel his chest rise and fall more silently than before, I smiled to myself looking up at his face.
"And Matt" I said in a whisper so faintly I could barely hear myself.
"Mhm" He mumbled.
"Thanks for the Rose. I love it."
"what rose?" he whispered as his chest fell one last time.
I didn't know what to say. How did he not know about the rose that had been on my patio when he was out there. I had a hard time going to sleep that night knowing that at any moment Jeff or mom could come threw my door. But I found reassurance in the fact that I was with Matt, and I found myself drifting off into sleep.
End of chapter
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137,663 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
This is a good story, maybe you could add more mystery to the Rose, and where it - who it had come from, I love how you explained Matt's love and glory to the main character, and her half fear for Jeff or her Mother appearing as she did send her love to him - great story line. The improvements that you could make are in adding more suspense when she isn't sure who it is, and more adjectives describing herself or Matt for me to get the real image, this is good though, well done!
Hey Oun!
I see your piece has sat in the Green Room for a while, so I'm here to review it, even though I haven't read any previous chapters. c:
~ I like description. Imagery. Don't just record your story-- sing it! Tell it with a fresh, excited voice that will get others excited about your story too. So instead of ^that, try something like... "I heard a noise outside my window that sounded like a foot sliding through the damp grass, sinking into the freshly-soaked ground."
That helps to set up the view outside, as well as let the readers know that someone is lurking around outside-- it's either raining, or rained a short while ago. So now we imagine a dreary evening, rather than, say, a hot, dry summer evening. Note: I used rainy for an example. You, obviously, can change it to however the evening really was.
-- This is a bit...fragmented. Try~ "I looked around, but couldn't see anyone in the room. I thought I recognized the voice, but there was no way that he could have-- the shadow of a man moved past the window. "
Try~ "I looked down and saw that there was a flower under my foot. I hurriedly bent to pick it up, despite my gut feeling to toss it back on the ground and run back to my warm bed. I lifted it to my face-- a black rose." Or something. See the difference?
Also~ 'horridly' is a word, but it's not the word you mean. You mean hurriedly.
~ Mm, maybe...
"I felt large hands on me-- one clamping down over my mouth, one wrapping around my waist. My heart raced as they gently forced me to turn around. Oh god, please don't be Jeff." ~ See? More emotions. More descriptions.
~ Consolidate. "I stepped back and watched as his eyes flicked across my body a long moment, before locking on my eyes. He smiled."
~ Stayed like how? You never said how they were. Just that he lead her to her bed. They stayed with him leading her to her bed for a few hours? Also, 'whispers' are not possessive, and don't get an apostrophe.
~ What's warm and gentle? His arms or lips?
~
Mm, I'm not really into romance, so it's very likely the genre's fault that I wasn't a huge fan of this piece-- but it's also because your grammar is...off. I didn't point out several problems I saw. Also, imagery is key in a story. It can make you or break you. Be sure to slow things down and take time to describe scenes/people/places to us. It really is important.
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM, wall, or chat me. I'd be happy to talk. c:
Keep writing!
~Shady
YWS' Supreme Grammar Nazi
Hi there! Aquila here getting you a review as my mission to safe works in the green room!
Okay though I am not a fan of romantic fiction, I have read books associated to them in my younger days particularly those by Luanne Rice and Mary Higgins Clark. So I can only give certain general pointers, plot and concepts are entirely up to you.
Now technically I need to point out pacing as a very important thing. Because if you don't do it well, you can stop the reader's attention at any point:
"I heard a squeaky sound come from outside my window, it almost sounded like foot steps. I crawled to the end of my bed, which was facing the balcony on the edge of my room, and looked out the two huge glass doors. I couldn't see anything that was out of place. I sighed in relief as I laid back down."
-Remove unnecessary words: "Squeaky sound from outside" remove 'come.' Then, rephrase the next sentence, it is very long and does not add any suspense or any quickening pace like how the main character is feeling. I am thinking she would feel fear and switch to high alert since there was something amiss. So let your prose speak of that as well, make the sentences short and sharp.
"I looked around but saw no one, and I think I recognized the voice but how could he have gotten-. I didn't get to finish that thought before I seen a shadow come from outside the door. I picked up the baseball bat that has always laid beside my bed propped up by the bedside stand and crawled all the way out of the bed."
-The same goes for this above paragraph. Shorten sentences so that the reader can feel the quickening pace and rising adrenaline your main character is going through. If not it would be hard to relate to her.
Now minor errors have been spotted at several points:
"I whispered as I opened the door a crack to get a better look of outside"
-Remove 'a crack.' It is very obstructive.
"I felt something crunch under my foot as a stepped out a little."
- 'Crunch?' Did you mean crouch?
"Want to come in?"
-I felt this was all too calm a sentence. Just a few paragraphs ago she was about to scream, and the atmosphere felt very dark and fearful. So it would be very weird if she had said this sentence to begin with. You might want to replace it with a monologue instead.
"Whisper's"
-it should be 'whispers'
"I made him stop even though I didn't want him to in fear that Jeff or my mother would wake up."
-You can break this up with a comma or a full stop.
"Jeff or mom could come threw my door."
-'come through'
One strong point your story has is the consistency of POV from the main character. Because you stuck closely to her, I tend to admire and feel a lot more for her. Once you get your pacing and flow, I would get sucked in right from the beginning!
Keep writing! Hope this all helps
-Aquila
I want to hear more about the rose, like where did it come from, who put it there, and such. I don't like romance stories very much, but the mystery with the rose was interesting.
The rose shows up more in the next chapter
<3