Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Chapter 2
As I woke up the next morning my body was stiff, I don't think I moved the entire night. I wasn't used to this hard bed anymore; I had gotten used to the one at my da-. I cut that thought off knowing it would cause me to cry, and I couldn't look weak on my first day of my new school. Not like I wasn't used to people calling me a freak anyways.
I walked down the stairs and noticed my mom wasn't home. I sighed to myself as I watched Jeff coming out of the kitchen in a bath robe. I the puke rise in my chest and tried my best to choke it down. All I have to do is last the next couple minutes and I would be off to school.
"Good morning beautiful" I heard Jeff slur to me as I walked past him and into the kitchen. Great he is drunk.
I kept my eyes on the fridge as he talked. I think he noticed my lack of concentration because the next thing I knew he was coming at me full force. I tried to scream but he clamped his hands over my mouth. I felt tears roll down my face, so much for not crying this morning.
"Your mom isn't home, so I am in charge. Today you're not going to school, you are going to stay here with me!" His free hand started to move up and down my side, making my body shake in disgust.
The only thing I could do, I did. I bit the top of his hand. As he let go of me I kneed him in the nuts. Not caring if anyone heard him scream in pain.
"Come back here you little bitch" I could hear him yelling as I ran for the door.
As soon as I had my hand on the door handle and thought I was going to be rid of this horrid nightmare I felt cold, sweaty hands grab my waist. I twisted the handle and flung the door open but it was quickly shut by a very pissed off Jeff.
"You don't listen well. I think I am going to have to teach you a lesson; just like I teach your mother." He spit angrily.
"SOMEONE HELP ME!" I screamed as Jeff pulled my up the stairs by the end of my hair. I couldn't help but feel helpless.
I wailed my arms and legs around trying to get away, but for a drunk guy he was pretty strong and I couldn't seem to shake his grip. I felt the lift of the bed as I was thrown down, hard.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I cried into my hands as he climbed on top of me.
With an evil smirk on his face he slid his hands up my skirt and started rubbing my thighs. I was stunned and I felt paralyzed as he kissed my lips, so rough that my lip started to bleed. I bit his lip hard and with as he jumped I lifted my leg high enough to connect with his balls and bolted for the door.
I ran, I ran so fast that I couldn't breath and my lungs felt like they were burning. I kept running until I came to my school's front doors. In the corner of the door were a couple of kids that gave me a few what-the-hell-are-you-looking-at kind of looks. I just ignored them and walked inside the two double doors. As I made my way to the office I could feel people staring daggers into my head. I was exactly the type of girl who people loved to talk to. I had strawberry blonde hair that hung to the middle of my back and I always wore clothes that were of many colors, I have my style and I don't wear too much makeup. Today I was wearing my pink tank top underneath my blue vest that came to about the top of my stomach and my dark blue acid wash jeans.
"Hello miss how may I help you?" I heard someone ask me as I walked through another doors that led me into the office.
"Yes ma'am I am Cree Alexandre Haven, I am transferring here" I kept my eyes locked on the floor as I spoke.
"Oh yes Cree here you are, we have expected you for a couple of days now" The secretary stated. "How do you like living here."
I hesitated for a few minutes and I could see she was waiting for an answer. But I didn't know what to tell her, I didn't want to say "Oh, I almost got raped by my mothers boyfriend and my father was murdered" so i lied.
"Uh, I love it here. The country is definitely where I want to live." I conjured up the best smile I could and looked at her. She smiled back at me.
"Ok, your first period class is right down this hallway and to the right. It is the fifth classroom down." I think she could tell I was confused because she smiled. "How about I just show you."
Mindy, that's the secretary's name, led me to my home room. As she introduced me to the teacher Mrs. Lang I couldn't help but feel someone staring at me. I turned around slowly to see almost everyone in the class room look down as I looked at them one by one. I lingered on one set of green eyes for a split second longer than the rest of them, they looked so familiar. I couldn't help but to blush as I seen him staring back at me.
"Class this is Cree Haven, Our new student Cree Haven. Please introduce yourself" Mrs. Lang called out to the already hushed class. Some of the students just sat there staring at me for a few seconds.
"Hi, My name is Cree, I just moved here from my fathers a couple days ago. I love the country and I love to read and write." I stated awkwardly. A lot of the students rolled their eyes and got back to work.
I slowly made my way back to my seat, Right beside the guy with the mesmerizing green eyes.
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140,627 Literary Works • 673,567 Reviews
Hey there! Okay so you were right, it was a little bit clichéed- the whole Jeff thing was a little bit... meh. I mean, I've read stories like this before where the mother gets a new boyfriend who hits on the daughter- but surely if the mother found out she would have him out within five minutes from both jealousy and protectiveness... I don't know, I think it's a trope that's used too much and I wasn't really impressed by it. In fact, you were right, there were quite a few clichés here- like the guy with the eyes at the end! But if you say you're going to sort those out, I'll believe you, so I'll leave well enough alone for now...
What I'm really worried about here is your pacing. Both chapters seemed to move just a little bit too quickly for my taste. You should really try and slow it down. Try and think about how long a normal conversation is- we never really cut to the chase, do we? Like when the secretary calls her into the office she'll ask for her name, type it in into the computer, make small talk. Or maybe when the teacher introduces her to the class, the teacher will ask, "So where are you from? What was your last school called? Tell us a bit about yourself." Everyday conversation. I'm a big fan of it, and once your dialogue seems more realistic it really will buoy the rest of the piece. I think that the dialogue's the place that needs the most help with pacing- although the beginning as well. You could definitely spend some more time talking about the new house, her night after the funeral, all that kind of thing. Describe the school. Along with better pacing would come more development. You need to describe things and places and people to us- what's the school like? What is Mindy like? What is Mrs Lang like? Develop develop develop- and when you have, your pace will slow down very nicely.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thank you very much for the feed back , I have been going through and re-writing a lot of the chapters that are here, I just haven't posted them yet lol. I appreciate the feed back
I love your story, it's got tons of potential. I love how her relationship with Jeff is developing, it is dark and I like to see the darker side of relationships, not everything is picture perfect. If I could make one suggestion it would be this, give her real dad some flaws that at first she ignores because of his recent death, but as she moves on with her life, she accepts again. Maybe he had a second life, and he died because of that second life. Please continue, I would love to see where you take the plot next.
OH I never really thought of that... That would be good.
The second life is kind of in the third chapter lol I do appreciate all this feed back ! I am going to re write it all and hopefully it will be better
Ill take these ones down and post them again once I re write them ha-ha
Oooo I smell romance.
Okay so its a good chapter. Wish is was a little longer but hey get always get what you wished for. But I enjoy how it ended though.
One problem.
'I felt tears roll down my face, So much for not crying this morning.'
'I felt tears roll down my face. So much for not crying this morning.'
If you wanted it to be separate, but if you wanted it the same then just dont have so capitalized.
Other than that which is all I seen. I like it a little better than the first. And the feel of this one is a little better too. I like the way you described her meeting with Jeff, just wish you could describe a little more. I can picture him with a robe on, but I cant really see what she's seeing or saw with him. Like the way you described the looks from the other kids and how you said that she looked at the green eyed boy longer. Its nice.
Whelp that's all for this chapter.
I am re writing everything and making it a lot longer lol , Ill try and post the new and improved chapters soon