Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter 3
"Hey" I heard a voice come from beside me. I looked around my hair that fell in between us. I blushed a bit when I noticed he was looking right into my eyes, I couldn't help but feel desire for this boy. I brushed the thought off as I tried to find my voice.
"H-Hi" I tried to keep my voice even as I spoke. I took my books out of my large book bag and slowly put them on the desk, trying not to drop any.
"I'm Matt" He held his hand for me to take. It was at an awkward angle so I leaned a bite to grab it
Matt looked normal, He had short brown hair and very green eyes, and he wore a green t-shirt that clung to his abs nicely, with dark blue jeans and white, Nike running shoes.
He laughed "nice to meet you Cree."
I released my hand from his and began to feel giddy as he kept his gaze upon me, forgetting that I hadn't told him my name.
"You too" I assured him. ”My name is Cree.”
He laughed “I know, you just introduced yourself to the class.”
Matt and I just sat there talking and smiling, I didn’t even know what Mrs. Lang was even talking about. It seemed like we sat there for the whole school day.
Before we knew it the bell rang and I looked over at Matt and he was smiling. I smiled and placed my books back in my bag. As I was about to get out of my chair someone knocked into me and I fell to the ground.
"Watch where you are going freak" A very tall girl with brown hair snapped at me. I rolled my eyes at her.
"Don't mind Jenifer, She is a bitch" I heard Matt assure me as he helped me off the floor. I could feel my cheeks starting to burn, but couldn't look away.
"Thanks Matt" He laughed when I said his name. I couldn't wrap my head around the look in his eyes; it was a mixture of embarrassment and longing.
"Wanna go have lunch with me?" He asked.
I hesitated for a minute "S-sure" even to me my voice sounded uneasy.
As we walked to the cafeteria we talked about random things. He was a smart guy, and told me things like I was his best friend.
We walked for a while before we came to a huge red door that had, in forest green letters, "CAFETERIA". Matt held the door open for me and we both went to sit down not even bothering to get any food.
"He is a gentlemen I will give him that". I thought as we sat down at a table near the back of the cafeteria near a huge window that had a great view of the lake. He pulled the chair out for me and I sat down, him taking the one right beside mine. I felt people staring at us but I didn't care, I was talking to a wonderful guy and I loved it.
"Whore" I heard mumbled laughter come from the general direction of the voice. Matt's eyes locked above my head and I didn't want to turn around, knowing that voice from the classroom.
"Go to hell Jenifer" Matt snapped at her. The laughter stopped and I could hear people gasping.
"What's it to you Matthew? Is she your new toy" Jenifer spat back emphasizing Matt's name.
This got me so mad. I turned around and she stumbled backwards as she glanced at me. I got up out of my chair so fast it fell over and I walked towards her, I got up in her face in three steps.
"Listen Jenifer! I don't care what you think you know and I don't care who you think you are! But if you ever disrespect me in that way again I will promise you one thing, you will regret ever pissing me off!" I turned on my heels and stormed out the huge red door Matt and I came in.
I could feel someone following me but I was too furious to look back to see who it was. I turned a few corners and went down some hallways and found a door that led me outside.
"Cree wait up" Matt sighed and looked at me as I turned around to face him. He looked amazed by something and held his hand by my face wiping away tears I didn't know I had cried. "Are you alright?" He asked concerned.
"I don't know, I can't believe I blew up like that, it's not like me." I cried this time Matt pulling me close to his chest and holding me there till I calmed down.
"Shh, it’s okay Cree you just have something on your mind that's all. No problem" He tried to coo me into thinking I was okay. But as soon as he did I couldn't help but bring back the memories of my father.
"I r-really w-want to tell y-you something" I sighed trying to calm myself down. My voice was raspy from crying but I managed to almost calm myself so I could talk normally.
"Go for it" Matt sat down in the grass and patted the place next to him making me instantly sit down.
It took me a little while to figure out how I was going to say this without crying, but he had already seen me cry twice in one day, how much worse can it get?
He must have noticed me fumbling with my thoughts because the next thing I knew his lips crashed into mine, causing me to lose focus even more.
"Matt?" I asked him as he pulled away.
"Oh wow. I am so sorry! You still want to talk?" He asked me, looking like he just hit himself in the finger with a hammer.
"Uhm Yeah but do you?" I retorted.
He sighed and fell back on the grass so he was lying down with his hands went over his amazing green eyes. "Yes you can tell me anything. I am always going to be here for you Cree" That tugged on my heart strings a little.
"Well a few weeks ago I walked in to my dad’s and" I stopped because Matt had me in his arms again and I was crying. "I saw my dad with a knife sticking out of his chest, and I don't know how to control all this anger bottled up inside me. I still have the picture in my head of what the man looked like. He was tall, maybe a little taller than you, and he had the same brown hair as you, but a different color eye. Also looking at you now, you remind me of him". Matt let me go and looked shocked.
"HE LOOKED LIKE WHAT?" He practically yelled at me. He mumbled something else under his breath but I couldn't make out what he said. It kind of sounded like "Aiden" but I wasn't sure.
"Like you almost, except he had brown eyes and he was taller and he wasn't as muscular as you" I cringed away from him as he smashed his fists into the dirt making huge dust clouds form around me. I coughed as I swatted my hand in the air trying to move the dust away from me.
"Sorry about that" He looked ashamed. I couldn't blame him either, what was wrong with him?
"What's wrong Matt?" He looked away from me and stood up pulling me with him. He walked about five steps before noticing I wasn't following.
"Are you coming or what?" he asked almost like he was angry. I quickly picked up my book bag and followed him back inside.
End of chapter
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140,627 Literary Works • 673,567 Reviews
I like how you opened your piece. It's a nice, sweet start that gives the reader a chance to relax before you start with the action in the scene.
You need to work on your speech a little. When you have a piece of speech followed by a statement saying who said the speech, the speech should end with a comma. If what comes after the speech is a completely new sentence that isn't related to the speech, it should end with a full stop. The same applies with if you have something before the speech. If it says who is saying the speech, then the statement before the speech must end with a comma. If it has nothing to do with the speech it should end with a full stop and, in both of these cases, the speech acts a little like a sentence of its own and must start with a capitol letter.
This bit confused me a little. It's obvious that he already knows her name and that she had acknowledged that he knows her name, so why does she introduce herself?
Apart from what I've pointed out I would just give this another proofread if I were you because they're a few small errors that you could do with altering. It's a good start and I look forward to what you create next.
Happy writing.
Helllloooooo, Leo here to review:-)
I found your piece a bit more descriptive than it should have been...I felt as if you focused more on details that i think were not necessary...This makes the story a bit slow and ponderous as it is loaded with details...
As for the lines, there are some which i think can be improved....
"I didn’t even know what Mrs. Lang was even talking ".......In this line, i think the use of "even" makes it a bit hard for the reader to digest it...so you can do away with the "even" before talking....
Another thing is the use of the word "sighed"....It is generally used to indicate despair...However you have used it in context that doesn't seem to be in accordance with the word...like in
"Cree wait up" Matt sighed" you don't sigh when you call up somebody..
"I r-really w-want to tell y-you something"....The better word for me will be stammered for at the end of the line you have written "calm myself so I could talk normally."
Another line
"my face wiping away tears I didn't know I had cried."
You have merged two sentences into one...there is punctuation needed out there...
"my face wiping away tears. I didn't know I had cried."
That's all....loved reading this piece....tell me if you want me to review any other work of yours...
Thank you:-)
Hey there, Cailey her with a review on this fine Review Day.
Okay, so I like the twist at the end of your piece. It's really neat how you made this sound like it's just a normal story about normal high schoolers or middle schoolers or whatever they are. (Sorry, I haven't read the first two chapters. I saw that this one didn't have any reviews yet, but I don't have time to go back through to read and review the others. I hope I don't ask questions or say anything that sounds dumb since I didn't read the beginning.)
My first suggestion is that you do a little bit more editing. Just typo stuff, like missing periods and commas and some words spelled wrong. Along with that you have some sentences that are awkwardly worded but could probably be fixed if you read through this a couple more times.
After that, I would say look at the characters again. Of course, this is all coming from me not having read the beginning, so I have a bit of a narrowed view of these two characters. But it seems to me, from what I read here, that these two people just met. And if they just met, why do they "fall for each other" so quickly? I know it could happen and love at first sight and all that, but it isn't realistic. This just sounds like a desperate girl who'll go for the first guy that talks to her. And I don't think that's what you meant.
So see if you can develop the characters more. After reading this whole chapter, I still don't know much about the characters except what Matt looks like. I want to know more about the main character. What is she like? Give me a closer look into her thoughts. Tell me how she feels. Paint a more detailed picture of the image of her dead father that's haunting her. If her dad just got killed, it seems like she would be constantly returning to the event with her thoughts, not just thinking of it after when she tells Matt.
This was good, but it needs some development. I want to really get inside the character's head, and find out more about who she is and what her life is like.
And I want to know what the next chapter is and who Aidan is and whether he is related to Matt.
So, nice job. Let me know if you need anything, and keep on writing!!