Young Writers Society

I like it. This is the first screen play I have read so my critique may be slightly skewed. I Think that you did a wonderful job. The only thing that i have issues with is that it's a little confusing. Mainly with the part where it says, "As they ran, Samuel saw a man reloading his gun. As the man shot, the girl jumped in front of him. The girl died, but the Hollows family lives on.
A SOLIDER reloads his gun, standing ready to shoot SAMUEL. YOUNG JESBEN jumps in front of SAMUEL. The bullet hits her, and she crumples to the ground, lifeless." I don't know if it was a mistake in that you repeated it in a different way and meant to erase one or if it was purposeful and supposed to be a different point of view of the scene.

Hey!

You have some really solid concepts here. Good characterisation, pacing and interaction.
You don't need to remind the audience every time of the curly hair and green eyes thing, it's kind of self explanatory after the first time.

'Like “Journey to the Center of the Earth” time-traveller?' It doesn't show up here, but within the script, it appears in a completely different font from the rest of the work.

I'm not necessarily one to label things, but I wouldn't know how to classify the genre of this story if I tried. It's a very unique work and you should be proud of your creation.

I would say, I'm not sure who you are aiming this at audience wise. The interaction with the Grandmother throughout the majority of the script could put people if, if they don't find it that relatable or they just prefer seeing generally younger characters.

Just a few nit-picks really, the grammar, punctuation and spelling are good.

Good job.

This one certainly isn't in the Green Room, but I'll give you a decent review. Ok...

You didn't really explain much. What happened to her parents? What happened after she died? Wasn't this supposed to be Doctor Who fanfiction? Are you going to ever continue this?

The world may never know...

GRAMMAR!

"It;s a skirmish, oh God..."

*It's

So basically the grandmother is worried that she is going to hurt Jesben (who I just called Jensen by accident...) by mentioning her parents death (well, I assume they're dead). However, we see that Jesben is in the care of her grandmother by age six. She seems to be in good spirits, so her parents can't have died less than a year before. This means that she hardly remembers her parents. So she is hurt when the death of two people she hardly remembers is mentioned, but the mother/mother-in-law of those people is not?

The overall tone of the screenplay is kind of... bland. God, that sounded awful. Don't get me wrong, it's a great story, but there isn't any personality in any of the characters, which results in them just telling the story, instead of BEING the story. Does that make sense? Probably not. If you want, I can explain further at school.

When Samuel finds out that his great great great great great granddaughter is a time traveler, he just sort of goes with it. If this happened to you, wouldn't you be a tiny bit more suspicious?

The grandmother/legal guardian sends a twelve-year-old child time traveling to the civil war. Basically, call child services. What was she thinking?

Ok, there you go, review.

wow I wasn't sure if I would finish this because I was tired...but now I'm wide awake this story is just amazing I just love it! Except I knew something bad would happen because they said goodbye...and, goodbye means forever which is sad anyways you did a great job! Keep up the great work and, thanks for this very interesting night you've given me a lot to think about oh and again great job!

I'll begin with I like the concept idea. The formatting by the way is great there were a few slip ups here and there, but I would love to know your secret for keeping that formatting so clean when uploading it to this site. Okay now on to your story:
In the opening it seems a little of the grandmother would mention the girls parents. Because if they did die, which I'm assuming that's what happened by the way it was approached it would be a painful subject for her as well. One that she would not approach so casually.
I like the way that you are able to portray the great-great grandfather it was very easy for me to picture him in my head right from the start I would use this to your advantage get to know him a little better, root for him and not want him to die. Also he seems very trusting of the girl right from the start....which seems odd immediately offering her his water canteen a luxsury that had to be a little difficult to come by and coveted/rationed to some extent.
Also at the climax you need to have a little bit more of a sense of urgency, something that the characters are fighting against. You have an incredibly well written concept and idea here, but let it play out a little more. Let the readers not know what's going to happen, let them hope for the best. Not wanting either conclusion for example maybe the girl shares what's going to happen and the grandfather not want her to lose her life for him. Both not wanting to die and have the other die.
Also at the conclusion, it seems unfinished. She died. And? Did she go back to 2013? Or did she die? Is there any way for her to maybe send a message to grandfather so he knows she is truly alright?
Overall a great story and concept with a little bit more rewriting it can be a fantastic great screenplay for any student filmmaker. I wish you the best of luck in your future screenwriting endeavors.

Hey! First off, I think this is a really god idea. However, I was confused on the "Young Jesben" part. I think you should make it more clear that she is dreaming. However, if she is dreaming, how can she hear her grandmother's voice? Also, Jesben's grandmother said that the girl didn't get a chance to talk to Samuel, but when Jesben actually goes, she does talk to him. If you clear these things up, I think you have a really great screenplay here! Keep writing!

Aw sweet, a screenplay! FYI, I've been into filmmaking since I was 13, and have a few SPs under my belt as well. So hopefully I'll be able to give some more specific advice here.

First off, I know that "she" (spoiler) dies in the end of this, so immediately the tone/mood of the movie should be evident. However, it doesn't appear as though you've identified a mood. Here's what I mean:

...is tinkering with a capsule-like machine with GRANDMOTHER, a short, mousy woman with tufts of gray hair stuffed into a bun...

"Grandmother, I think we did it!"

...The machine lights up, light pouring out of its one small window.

..."Oh, Jesben. This is amazing! I know your parents would be proud."

...JESBEN looks down, saddened by her grandmother’s comment.

"I’m sorry, Jesben."

JESBEN looks up.

"It’s okay."

"Well, on a lighter note, where are you going to go?"

"I want to meet that girl that saved my great great great great great grandfather."

A small GIRL with bright green eyes and cascading strands of chestnut hair sits in her bed. Her GRANDMOTHER sits on the foot of the bed.

"Jesben, would you like to hear the story about the girl that saved our family?"

"Oh, yes Grandmother!"

"Okay, one more time."

ZOOM IN- YOUNG JESBEN’S FACE. She opens her eyes. ZOOM OUT.

Samuel Hollows! SAMUEL HOLLOWS! SAMUEL!!!!!!

SAMUEL, a tall, slender man with curly chestnut hair and illuminating green eyes

He found the sound of the screaming. It was a girl, about twelve, six years older than you Jesben. She wanted to talk to him, but she couldn’t. A terrible battle broke out.

Suddenly,there are soldiers sprinting around each other frantically, shooting in chaos. SAMUEL grabs YOUNG JESBEN’S hand.

Grandmother (V.O. Cont.):
As they ran, Samuel saw a man reloading his gun. As the man shot, the girl jumped in front of him. The girl died, but the Hollows family lives on.

Young Jesben:
Sorry, I dozed off.

"Okay Grandmother, everything’s set. You sure I’m allowed to do this."

"Yes. You’ll come back, I know you will."

"Okay Grandmother. Goodbye!"

"Goodbye!"

JESBEN hugs GRANDMOTHER. JESBEN sits inside the capsule. The garage door opens, and the capsule flies out, into the air.

Jesben:
Jesben Hollows. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Samuel:
Like “Journey to the Center of the Earth” time-traveller?

Samuel:
Well, what year are you from?

Jesben:
2013.

SAMUEL does a spit-take.

Samuel (Shocked):
WOW!

SAMUEL holds out his hand, and JESBEN grabs it. They run through fighting SOLDIERS. A LONE SOLIDER reloads his gun, ready to shoot SAMUEL.

JESBEN:
It’s me! I’m the girl! I saved myself!

Wow. This is really amazing.

But, is there someway that you can delete or remove the large blank areas? They add unnecessary lank to the piece.

I love the formatting and text style that you used here. And your grammar and spelling is very good, for I can see no errors here.

I do have one thing to say, however. I think that you should italicize the lines that aren't character names, or dialogue. In other words, italicize the setting description, to distinguish it from the rest of the screen play.

The only thing I hated about this was the ending. And it wasn't the ending that I hated, but the fact that it ended.

I see a lot of future potential in this, there is a lot the you can elaborate on and add to if you ever choose to, and that makes me glad that there may be a slight chance of seeing more than Jebsen.

Things that you could turn into furture screen plays:
How did they build the time machine
What happened to Jebsens parents?


You get the idea.

Peace!
HT

Wow. Just wow. I never can write screenplays, mine never seem right. But you have a talent for it, I can see that.
As far as I can see, there are no mistakes in this, apart from the line:
Like “Journey to the Center of the Earth” time-traveller?
This isn't the same font as the rest of the text, but that isn't a grammatical error or anything like that.
I never saw the part where Jesban is the girl who saves her G-G-G-G-G grandfather. The twist was remarkable, and very carefully thought out. I just have one small issue, wouldn't Jesban being the girl create a paradox? If she is the girl who saves herself, surely she won't be there in the future to do the same? Sorry if this sounds a little strange. PM me if you want me to elaborate. Apart from that, it was very well written, thought out, and just brilliant.
Lioness.