z

Young Writers Society



Time Jump: TEASER

by KnightTeen


Scene opens in a almost completely empty white room. MAN and BOY are the only two objects within, and they stand facing each other. The MAN appears late twenties, and is wearing long grey robe. BOY is late-teens/early-twenties and is wearing street clothes.

BOY: Who are you?

Slight pause.

BOY: "Who are you?"

MAN SIGHS: I am Time.

BOY steps back in shock.

BOY (disbelieving): Time?...Time is dead. It no longer exists. And I doubt that you are Time. It is said to be an old man. You appear but a few years older than I.

MAN (in a humored tone) Oh, I assure you, my boy, that I am not dead. I promise that I exist. Appearances can be deceiving. And please, refrain from calling me an it. I do so detest that word. I am Time.

BOY circles MAN slowly, eyes roaming over MAN before looking into his face.

BOY: Prove it.

MAN smiles and steps back, gesturing slightly with his hand. Suddenly, the white room fades and MAN and BOY stand in a black void.

MAN: I was there at the dawning of this planets first age. I watched the very nebula she came from form. And I will be there to see her end.

A bright light flashes, and MAN and BOY watch as a dust cloud collapses and heats, forming a planet.

MAN: I was there when this planet was discovered, and the settlers came.

A small rift appears in space next to the planet, and MAN and BOY watch as a small spacecraft emerges from the rift, and lands on the planet. They watch as more spacecraft soon follow, whose inhabitants colonize the planet, and build a more permanent portal to keep the rift open.

MAN: I was there when the Great Purge occurred. I was there when the inter-dimensional portals were destroyed.

Scene change, MAN and BOY are now on the planet's surface. All around them is fighting, death. A civil war. They watch the slaughter, and the destruction of what is clearly the capitol city. Looking up, they watch the portal explode.

MAN: I will be there to see them rebuilt. I was there the day you were born, boy, and I have been here everyday since.

Scene change to a Hospital, where MAN, dressed as a janitor, watches a baby being born and congradulates the parents,

I am Time! I will never go away.

He still looked skeptical. I sighed in frustration, and even though I did not want to, I realized what I had to do. "I was there the day your father was murdered."

He jerked quickly, glared at me, his ice-blue eyes piercing daggers, and said, "You might have been one of his murderers for all I know! That proves nothing, other then your insanity."

I placed my hand on his shoulder, and was unsurprised when he shrugged it off. "Now," I asked him gently, "Why would I murder one of my children?"

The blow he dealt me was unexpected, and as I fell the world turned in my sights.

"YOU LIE!"

As he shouted he raised his foot over my prone body. Rolling to the side a little, I raised my hand, and his foot halted mid-strike. "It's not nice to kick a person when they're down." I said angrily, "Nor is it polite to strike your elders. And I, lad, more so than others, am your elder."

I flexed my hand, and watched with unabashed glee as the boy fell over onto his rear. I stood then, wincing slightly, and dusted myself off. "Your father was not my son."

He gaped up at me. "But, you just said-" I cut him off abruptly.

"I said he was one of my children. I never said that he was my son. He is in fact, the son of my grandsons', grandson. My descendent, if you prefer. But no matter what you wish to call it, the fact is that you both had my blood running through your veins. It was for this reason that the Keepers murdered your father. It is for this reason that they hunt you."

"So what if you are my great, great, great, gods, I don't know how many 'greats' grandfather? That means nothing, not to me!"

"It should mean something to you, boy! Your father denied it, and it was his downfall. Don't make the same mistakes that he did." I snapped.

He stared at me for a long moment. "It is because of you, isn't it? You, your blood is the reason that I can," He paused and looked around nervously before whispering, "I can jump through time?"

I nodded. "Yes. It is the reason that the Keepers of Time so greatly desire you. With your fathers' demise, you are the last Jumper alive on the planet, perhaps in the universe. You are the greatest threat to them, and to what they have done."

"And you aren't? You are Time itself. You know the past, the present, the future. Why did you not stop the Keepers from conquering our planet? Why do you not stop them now?" He queried harshly.

"The vows I took centuries ago prevent me from changing Time. The Keepers know of these vows. They know that I am virtually powerless compared to them. I was ignorant when I trusted them with this world, and when I shared with them the secrets of Time. I was foolish. And it has caused the very threads of time to unravel. The things that they've done, the periods they have altered, I can change none of this. Only you can. Only you can save Time. Your father may have denied his birthright, but he didn't deny you yours. You know this." My statement was made calmly, and as I spoke he seemed to draw into himself.

His sigh was made with a hint of resignation. "I never wanted any of this."

"When I was of your maturity, I thought the same thing. The gods cursed me with this terrible gift, and in truth I have done nothing but suffer since the day I received it. You say I know the past? Yes, I know the past. I know that the Keepers have altered the past from it's true course. You say I know the present? I know the present that should of happened, and I know the present that currently is. You say I know the future? Since I trusted the Keepers the future has been black to me. I am not all-powerful. I simply am what I am. Time."

"You really need me, don't you?" he asked quietly.

"If there was any other way, I would never have sought you out. But I cannot fix what I have broken. Only you can. There are no other Jumpers left alive. You are the last. You are the only hope for the world." If he does not agree to help, I will not hesitate to resort to begging.

His eyes, which had grown dark with determination, seemed to pierce right through my body.

"Well then," he asked me, "What are we waiting for?"


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Fri Aug 09, 2013 6:02 pm
Ngreenslade wrote a review...



I loved it! It is a great start. I love the idea of the plot. The dialogue helped to develop your characters but i do think that you should add a bit more description to create a clearer image of the surroundings. It certainly kept me interested the whole way through and i can't wait to read some more. :)




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Tue Aug 06, 2013 11:14 pm
MooCowPoop wrote a review...



Oh my goodness, that was amazing! I love engaged the characters are with each other. Suggestions: A few times you used the word 'then' incorrectly. "And I, lad, more so [THAN] others, am your elder." Also, you seemed to use the word "slight" too often. Try using another word to replace that (I couldn't find any good synonyms for "slight" and "slightly" but maybe you can find some). I really liked it because I was engaged the entire time and the characters you had were put together very well. I am interested in Time. I like the concept of him being time being personified and I am looking forward to reading more of this. :)

One more thing:
I agree with barefootrunner, there is a little bit too much dialogue but I also understand where you are coming from with the whole "movie scene voiceover" action. I imagined like that too. But I do think a leetle (just a leetle) more description of scene would help so that readers won't have a completely dark image of two people talking in their heads. That would be kind of strange... Keep going though, I want to see more (unless you've already posted some more of it).






Thanks for the review, and for the whole "than/then" thing. I always get those two mixed up.





And thanks for pointing out the "slight' thing. I hadn't even realized that I had done it.



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Tue Aug 06, 2013 9:56 pm
emim219 says...



I love the idea of this book/story! The title drew me in and I adore that you have the main character talking to father time. And that you have the Prologue in his point of view. I have no issues with the way that you wrote it. And I can't wait to read more of this book/story! Could you message me when you have written chapter one? If so thank you.




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Tue Aug 06, 2013 7:02 pm
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barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! A quick review for you :)

Okay, so you have a couple of issues with dialogue, so you can check out the Knowledge Base—they have some really good articles on it. But first, let's check out this extract:

I drew a breath. "I am Time." I said.

"Time?" he replied, "Time is dead. It no longer exists." I couldn't help but chuckle at his words.

"Oh, I assure you, my boy, that I am not dead. I promise that I exist. And please, refrain from calling me an it. I do so detest that word. I am a corporeal being, after all."


Now, let me restructure it:

I drew a breath. "I am Time," I said.
"Time?" he replied. "Time is dead. It no longer exists."
I couldn't help but chuckle at his words. "Oh, I assure you, my boy, that I am not dead. I promise that I exist. And please, refrain from calling me an it. I do so detest that word. I am a corporeal being, after all."

So you can see, no spacing between lines. Each character gets his own little block for actions—two characters' actions don't go in the same line.

Otherwise, plotwise and going with character development, I think you have too much dialogue and too little description. I want to know where they are and what they're doing, what they look like, even though this is only a prologue. I need mannerisms, emotions etc. On that note, the first person is perfect for conveying the speaker's internal turmoils, feelings. You have not utilized it fully—give us a glimpse of Time's mind. Must be fascinating! Give us a glimpse of everything going on out of his eyes. If he gets hit, say the world blurred slightly. If he smiles, give a reason! Give us the inside view :)

Other than that, it looks very interesting and I'm curious as to the story's development! Good job :)

barefootrunner






While some people might want more description, I never intended that to happen in this prologue. It was meant to be vague while touching on the topics that I wanted to cover before I really dug deep. When I was writing this, I sort of imagined it like a movie scene where you're seeing shots of landscape and locations, and the two characters are doing voice-over. In the end, it turned out how I wanted it.

But thanks for taking the time to review it, and thanks for the suggestions. I'll keep them in mind when I write the next chapter.



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Tue Aug 06, 2013 5:58 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hi,
'Time jump' is a very good title. Mostly a story with this genre is narrated with the boy as it's first person,so I like your change,you know not being stereotype.

And this line " I don so detest the word",I don't know what that means and I can't make it out either.Other than that I didn't find any mistakes of such.And I like you plot very much.Guess it will be very interesting.

The dialogue between the two characters went well in the beginning but then in the middle it was all confusing that I couldn't make out who was telling what.

And the scene where the boy immediately accepts the Time's appeal is so dramatic because he just said about his great grandfathers and said nothing else. The reason was unsatisfactory to begin a journey of this kind,so I would suggest you to make it more reasonable.

Keep writing, Good luck.
Cheers!!! :)






Thanks for the review!
And thanks for pointing that out. I fixed it.




okay I think I need to grab some nachos
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