While walking on the road,
I had a head-on collision with
Time.
He was, perhaps coming from some
Conch sounds of a temple,
Or the ringing of church bells,
May be from the sermons of a mosque.
He stood there, upright, with a sardonic smile on his face.
He didn’t ask anything
Begged for nothing
Just stood there, with a sardonic smile.
But I was at my conferrer best,
Was eager to give
Anxious to return.
The sublime touches of tender love
That goes into oblivion before the hour strikes
The depths of despair
Camouflaged in petals of rose
The lingering melancholies with splinters of joy
The endless expanse of desert with its sporadic greens
The few and far between moments of glory
Losing their traces in the frothing gloom
The black holes wrapped in moments of blinding light.
He just stood there with his sardonic smile,
His footsteps leaving no sings on the ground,
Their tapping melting away in the steady wind
Neither taking anything
Nor parting with anything
Sans his sardonic smile.
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139,672 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hi there!
Well first off I love this
Your personification of time is something that is rarely done and I really love this piece purely for that fact. Time always seems like a person when you think about it. I also love we give everything to Time but Time does nothing. It's infuriating.
Your writing technique is near flawless and I commend you for that.
Well I have nothing else to say other than keep writing
Hi eviehoward
Thanks for complimenting my poem. Truly love your kind words.
Hello Sanju, Wolf is here to do some reviewing!
This is a truly lovely piece. But I do believe that Empress has already made that clear, so I will try to stick to more specific complements.
The first thing that really stuck out to me was your line breaks(is that the correct term?). I really don't know much about the different forms of poetry, so what I am about to say may be just my own opinion. But anyway, I find that whenever I read poetry I put a slight pause at the end of each line. So when writing poetry, I try to put my line breaks at places where there is already a pause(commas and periods), or at places that could use a little more emphases. I find doing that helps a poem to flow better.
Because I do that, when reading this poem it made it sound a little choppy. This could just be me.
Just small changes like...
"While walking on the road,
I had a head-on collision
With Time.
He was, perhaps,
Coming from some conch sounds of a temple,
Or the ringing of church bells,
Maybe from the sermons of a mosque."
instead of...
"While walking on the road,
I had a head-on collision with
Time.
He was, perhaps coming from some
Conch sounds of a temple,
Or the ringing of church bells,
May be from the sermons of a mosque."
There isn't much difference. The words are exactly the same. But the first one flows better then the second(at least in my opinion).
I must say, I loved the imagery in this piece. I have never thought of time like that. It was beautiful, really beautiful.
I really did love the way you began this piece. It tied in with the rest of the piece perfectly, but didn't give away anything.
Great job, keep up the good work!
~WW
Thanks a lot WW, especially for enlightening me the way to reorient the line to heighten the flow and smoothness; something, I must confess, I am yet to come to terms with.
I appreciate the suggestions you have noted for the first two stanzas.
Thank you once again
Sanj
Hi Sanju,
Wow, what a powerful piece of poetry, I really, truly loved it. Especially because you haven't constrained yourself with a particular rhyming scheme.
I absolutely adore the lines: 'Camouflaged in petals of rose', and 'The black holes wrapped in moments of blinding light'!
I would perhaps just suggest, that between 'The sublime touches of tender love' and 'The black holes...' that you use a tad more punctuation to insert poignant pauses in opportune places.
Other than that, this is a lovely piece. Inspirational.
Keep writing
Bethan
Thanks Empress for loving my poem.
Yes, I would also like to add more pronunciations in between those two lines and was groping unsuccesssfully for them while writing.
I work on it again and see how it develops.
Thank you.
San