As silent as an ant,
working hard and hard,
aiming to achieve her goals,
looking at the evergreen trees,
creating a fresh mind,
And as bold she stood and said to herself
"I will overcome my problems"
As she sits in the plantains,
she sings a melancholy strain,
she sees a fast going train,
wishing that her problems would
finish as the fast going train,
And as bold she stood she thought to herself
" I wil overcome my problems"
And as the music drenches in her heart,
as she listens to the soft spoken notes,
completely lost in her world,
seeing those light winds passing the sky,
wishing that her problems would,
just pass as those winds,
And as bold she stood and spoke to herself
"I will overcome my problems"
So she surely knew that one day,
she would fly like those free birds,
flying up in the sky,
and scream out to the world,
'' I have successfully solved my problems ......"
okay this poem written like 2 years back! Since poetry is not at all my cup of tea I shall expect all sorts of comments!
I'd be glad if you review!!
so enjoy reading the poem!!!!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello again, Sapphire!
I like the idea of this poem, but it could use work.
Let's start with the first line.
So, as the previous reviewer pointed out, this isn't the best way to start a poem. What I do like about it is that it's an unconventional simile. At first, when I read it, I was like, what? But then I realized that an ant is definitely silent, although maybe you could come up with something that is a bit more silent.
Hold on. Did you mean, "hard and harder?" That might make more sense.
Here's another thing:
This seems clunky to me. Maybe you could come up with something other than the fast going train again, or reword it differently.
I think a simile would work here. "As bold as (insert comparison here)" would make it sound smoother.
Here, you could take away the word "in". Or you could replace the word "drenches" with something else, like "settles".
If it's wind, wouldn't she be feeling it? Or seeing trees rustling because of it? Wind can't be seen, but its effects can. I suggest rewording it.
I did really like how you repeated the bird looking at things and wishing her problems would pass like them.
The quotation mark should be right next to "I", and if you're going to have an ellipsis, it should only be three periods. I also think that the line doesn't sound that emotional, and could be replaced with something that makes you feel proud of the bird.
Wow, that was a lot of criticism. I'm sorry if it seemed harsh, but I'm trying to help you improve your writing.
Despite everything I pointed out, I still really liked this poem. I thought that the bird was a metaphor for women, trying to overcome all their problems over time and be equal to men. I love it when the whole poem is a metaphor.
I disagree with the previous reviewer in that I think that this poem doesn't read like prose. I think it could certainly use some touching up, but it's still a really nice poem with a good message. Just work on your poetic devices and it'll be absolutely fantastic!
Hi Sapphire! I chose this one to review as the title interested me
Here are my thoughts!
1.
As far as first lines go, this isn't the most interesting or punchy. It's important to grab your reader's attention in the first few lines so you need to either say something interesting, say something powerful and direct or say something unusual. An example might be:
'It was the silence of ants and analytics'
2. There are some nice pieces of imagery here and some good word choices, for example, I like 'she sings a melancholy strain,'; however, this isn't a poem. If you took all of these lines and removed the line-breaks, then it would read the same as a piece of prose - there's a lack of poetic devices and that word play which really makes poetry stand out and use every word to its fullest.
In a few places you have some rhyme and there is a good sense of flow to the lines, but you need to fragment a little more and not be afraid to break a few rules. What you've done well in this poem is the repetition, but I'd like to see more unusual lines and more solid imagery. For example, here's how you might change the following section:
lost in the soft spoken notes of a world
where the music flies East,
and all of her problems are
ghosts, shaking hands in the sky.
I didn't want to throw anything too different at you so this is still a very prosey way to write, but it's also poetic in that it's using a lot of imagery and doesn't waste many words. I hope that gives you a few ideas!
Overall, I liked this and it's playing with some strong themes, but it's not poetry yet. It's still caught somewhere between being a novel and a poem, but with some more practise, you'll definitely get there!
Heather xx
Thank you Rydia! I am glad that you remembered.
I will surely change my mistakes!
Hmm... this piece of poetry seems to be random. What I mean by that is you talk about one thing- don't explain it talk about another thing- then try to combine all those things into one theme and I don't think it worked out very well. Oh well.
What I liked?
-punctuation and the use of capitalizing
What can be improved?
- work hard and hard. What?
-The correlation to the bird and achieving goals. Yes it is okay where it is but I think "I have solved my problems just seems not the best.
-What silent as an ant has to do with the theme?
I'm not sure about this one, I think you should be working on it to get it just right. As always, Thank you for writing.
Your hero,
ImHero
I am a feminist so anything written about a woman being strong and free will be appreciated by me.
"As silent as an ant,
working hard and hard,
aiming to achieve her goals,
looking at the evergreen trees,
creating a fresh mind,
And as bold she stood and said to herself
"I will overcome my problems"
First of all, these lines don't have any rhyming words at all but the next few lines have many. So this makes the poem sound out of place.
Second thing is that you have constantly mentioned a woman determined to overcome her problems when you haven't told the reader what her problems are.
Despite all that I liked the theme of the poem. Continue writing you'll get better.
Thanks for the review yeah about the problems that is confusion for all the reviewers.
Hi, Sapphire. Okay I will just get to the main part
let me start with the bad parts.
1. You let the reader know that someone else wrote this I actually thought you wrote this by yourself.
2. What are her problems if you can't write in here write in a description before the poem.
That's all for the bad stuff usually poems this long would have so many mistakes but you made this perfect. Now for the good stuff.
1.'Your' poem was nice especially how you repeated I will overcome my problems.
I guess that's all loved your poem.
Thanks for the review! But anyway as i mentioned that poetry is not my cup of tea so yeah... Its fine.