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16+ Language

Weeping Janitors Tell No Lies

by CowLogic


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Montana, I don't think you know why I wrote this,

but I do know

that you're full of it.

So why not leave me alone?

I stood at your doorstep, with you in my arms,

and you cried, and you cried, and I cried, and you cried,

You said, "I can't keep going like you said I could, cause what my life is like, I don't know why I try,"

And I bought it, despite the voice inside me that fought it,

the unstoppable

force of it, cause

I have this crazy idea,

.

that weeping janitors tell no lies,

and the emotions that they kept inside,

could never take on a guise.

Cause you say there's a background,

But is there?

And you say there's a story,

But is there.

You say it's ingrown,

All these feelings you own

I don't know.

Your life story don't work out quite wight deah;

your tongues don't awaken too much feah.

Could I make this much more cleah?

Your details all fail to cohere.

.

And you mop, up the tears by the morning.

All I can wonder

is how.

you had just left me alone.

You punch and you scream and you say you live like you dream,

and you sigh and you sigh and I sigh, but you sigh,

and you say, "The shock of the matter is setting in, cause what my ride has to hide is like majorly wild,"

but I don't buy it, and the voice in my mind ain't behind it,

I know now,

you're full of it,

So I turn and leave you alone,

.

And you don't know why, so,

epiphanies arise.

Your head can't comprehend the messy ladders that you climb.

Hop aboard my train of adequate,

and your life will be spiced up more than you owe to your wit,.

Don't worry; we're all full of bullshit.

.

Like that weeping janitors tell no lies,

and the emotions that they kept inside,

could never take on a guise.

Cause you say there's a background,

But is there?

And you say there's a story,

But is there.

You say it's ingrown,

All these feelings you own

I don't know.

Your life story don't work out quite wight deah;

your tongues don't awaken too much feah.

Could I make this much more cleah?

Your details all fail to cohere.


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:12 pm
kazza says...



Wow! I really drummed up a tune as I read this through - loving the lyrics! It makes me laugh sometimes but kid, you have talent - do you play any instruments - you could put these on a record and send 'em off!
Again, I say I am impressed, the skills I have seen, especially yours, I could imagine in a concert. You're grammatically correct, apart from the words when you wrote deah, cleah, feah - I'm a bit slow and too me a while to figure it out. Mind that when you write lyrics, don't express the way you say it otherwise other people won't know exactly what to say when listening and singing along to it. Fact.
You have done extremely well congratulations on the brilliant ideas ~ Kazza




CowLogic says...


Thanks.



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Hannah wrote a review...



Aghams. Hey, there Cowbby. Here to save your work from the clutches Green Room like any good Green Room Knight would do!

So, the first time I glanced in here, I ran straight away. There's no intentional story to follow, no emotion that pulls me in, nothing that leaves me with the confidence that I'll remember the poem once I close the tab.

So, I tried looking at it from a different angle, and luckily for both of us, I succeeded. Now, I don't know what inspired this poem, so I don't know if this is where you were coming from, but this reads to me like an experiment in the thing I despise the most: the rhyme that takes over the poem. It seems like you wanted to see where it would take you if you did just that, and once I rationalized to myself, "Just read it like that's the point", I could much better swallow and analyze.

The first awesome thing I want to point out to you is this set of lines:

Your life story don't work out quite wight deah;

your tongues don't awaken too much feah.

Could I make this much more cleah?

Your details all fail to cohere.


So, the first line sets the meter and stress for the rest. So what we end the first line on -- STRESS STRESS STRESS -- is what we expect for the other lines. But not only do we get annoyed by the weird spelling of words, which sound childish and like we're losing intelligence even reading them, we also get annoyed by the fact that the next two lines don't stick with that strong, proposed meter. Naturally, they want to go unstress unstress STRESS, both of them, but we end up have to read them stress STRESS stress -- it comes out very stilted and unnatural, at least in the way I read it.

What's GOOD about all of this irritation is the beautifully flowing last line: Your details all fail to cohere. Here, the rhythm is perfect, the vocabulary is cutting and precise, and having those two triumphs work in harmony let us slide off into the next section (or into the end) with a sense of release and relief. It's nice.

The other part that interested me was this:

Cause you say there's a background,

But is there?

And you say there's a story,

But is there.

You say it's ingrown,

All these feelings you own

I don't know.


I liked noticing the difference in pronunciation and realizing it corresponded to the lilt of a usual poem in that same meter. badum badadum badaDA badum badadum bada[dah]... like a limerick? And so the question's rise in tone matches the poem, but not the second time. I like this because not only does it stick with the tone of reading aloud, it's also an element of speech. We sometimes ask questions that we tonalize like statements because they're not really questions.

I also enjoyed the odd ending. I was ready to finish the limerick, but it cut off basically all of the last line. You threw me for a ride. Or maybe you jolted the ride to a stop. Whichever -- you're playing with the feeling. I felt like that ending would have been MUCH more satisfying if you also pulled a stanza break there.

Woahaooa~
So I hope this was helpful somehow. (:
Feel free to respond to my review if you have any questions or comments (AND SO I CAN GET MY NOTIFICATION YAY!).

< 3




CowLogic says...


Hey Hannah. Thanks a bunch for the review, ma'am. I appreciate it.

Now, too start things out, there is an interpretive plot and meaning to this , although it's not easily spelled out for you. I break down the whole thing in a reply to thewritersdream's review below if you want to give it a look.

You're right about its lack of emotion there, and its heavy rhyme scheme, and that's because it's not really a poem. It's a song. A ska-punk song to be exact. Because it is a song, I was restricted by the rhyme scheme and pacing if I wanted to come out with a song with coherent verses and a chorus.

But because of these restrictions and to make it more punk-like, I tried to have some fun with it. Like the passage you pointed out with the obnoxious stressing and -eah's at the end of everything, then the ironic regularly said "cohere," which is more funny when seen on paper instead of heard in-song. Another example is the part where I wrote the two lines where we have the repeated "cried"s, then a line where everything ends in an "igh" sound, rather than with an "ide" one like you would expect. Then in the second verse, the parallell lines to that start with saying "sigh, sigh, sigh," and the next line had everything ending with kind of an "ide" sound. So if you looked at it closely, it would be funny because it's sort of like the lines are in the wrong places.

So, I did stuff like that to spite the fact I had to comply with rhyme scheme, but this is a song, so it's necessary. Like I said, I explain the meaning below if you want to know it.

Once again, thanks a lot for the review, and of course, thanks for reading it twice, like you said you did (I feel honored) instead of just hating it right away.



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Wed Aug 07, 2013 8:18 am
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Dutiful says...



COW!!!! OMG OMG OMG COW!! That is one beautiful song! I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. Do you have any idea how awesome it is? I'm gonna go all fangirly. Don't mind me.




CowLogic says...


It's not very good, but thanks.



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Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:34 am
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SkyeJane says...



Moo Moo I loves this sooo much!
Have you put music to it yet?




CowLogic says...


Thanks. Not yet.



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Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:44 am
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Veeren says...



Spoiler! :
Your life story don't work out quite wight deah;

your tongues don't awaken too much feah.

Could I make this much more cleah?

Your details all fail to cohere.


you have no idea how awesome this is




CowLogic says...


I guess I don't. Thanks.



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Thu Aug 01, 2013 9:31 pm
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Laminated says...



Je l'aime.




CowLogic says...


Merci



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Skydreamer wrote a review...



Logi....Cowl. THIS IS...I AM...I'm speechless. XP I love this. I don't care what other people think, because I just think this is great. I mean your ideas, and such, and I felt there was true meaning there, but let me take this step by step because I think there are somethings that could be looked over and some things I might need you to explain.

First of all though I'd like to say this could be taken in so many different ways. I've read this three times now and I can't fully grasp what's going on. At first I think he's the one to blame, the one who's writing this letter. But then it seemed that the Janitor is the one who's in the wrong. In the end I've concluded that this poem is someone trying to make a decision, and trying to figure it all out, with someone else an all. I think that's great! I think that honestly it seemed like a bit of an argument, and your ending left it somewhat unresolved, which was a little sad, but then also understandable, and I actually liked it.

First Stanza

Montana, I don't think you know why I wrote this,

but I do know

that you're full of it.


I would like to go ahead and say that I wish you had left this Janitor nameless instead of giving her a name, but I understand. Also, I found the "I don't think you know why I wrote this," kind of confusing. What does that really matter? It seemed like it was just added. I would tweak it a bit to this:

"I don't think I know why I wrote this,"

That way he's talking about himself only, you know. Talking about his view, not bringing her into it.

Or if you want to keep the "you" I'd suggest.

"I don't think you'll know why I wrote this,"

I think that brings some more understanding to what the writer meant, when saying that. The original statement was quite strange, didn't really fit when I read the rest. And this statement isn't much longer that your original choice so, consider it.

So why not leave me alone?


This statement also seemed strange to me after I had read everything else. I felt like he was the one going to her, rather than the other way around. That said though, it could also just be a statement said out of anger. Also, I view that when you think of people a lot you tend to feel like their following you around, so if that's the case, if he's sort of still feeling for her or something, that possibly could work.

and you cried, and you cried, and I cried, and you cried,


Was this for comedic effect? Because that's exactly how I felt. I laughed when I read it. XD It was a pretty creative line, and I like it.

You said, "I can't keep going like you said I could, cause what my life is like, I don't know why I try,"


I thought that the way this line was arranged made it longer than it needed to, and I am not sure if what was being said was fully expressed. Her thought seemed scrambled and un-finished. Perhaps it could be arranged like this:

"I can't keep going on like you said I could, (cause) the way my life is, I don't know why I try,"

I bolded the "on" because I think it's important you include it because without it it seems like she is saying she can't live any more. Usually when people say "going" only it means living life, and I don't think that's what you meant. If it was then, alright, but then again I'm not fully sure what you meant. haha, so my advice is based on how I took it. Also, though great job on this first stanza! I really liked the rhyming and I liked the transition to the the next stanza with comma, leaving the conversation flowing.

Also I just noticed this is lyrics, does that mean song lyrics? Cause I'm taking this as a poem, but as lyrics, this would be fabulous.

Second Stanza

that weeping janitors tell no lies,

and the emotions that they kept inside,

could never take on a guise.


I love this. So much. It's so great! I liked that you took the title from this, or put the title into this, either way, it was beautiful. And there is a true sense of vulnerability there. I don't fully understand it, but in a good way, in the way where it is left open for opinion in that sort of way, I feel like I don't get this. I see the meaning within it, but may not fully grasp it.

But is there?

And you say there's a story,

But is there.


I really liked this. For someone who respects the use of question marks so much, this strangely pleased me. I really liked it, because of the way I read it. The first one was an honest question, and the second one was more of a sarcastic statement. And I liked how you used punctuation to guide your reader. Very cool, and smart.

life story don't work out quite wight deah;

your tongues don't awaken too much feah.

Could I make this much more cleah?

Your details all fail to cohere.


At first I didn't quite get this, but then I really liked it, because of the flow also I understood it was an accent, and I thought that was cool to include, but then also strange because of how you mainly wrote the poem. Switching tones is risky, but in this case it worked out it really well. I find it somewhat cute.

Third Stanza

And you mop, up the tears by the morning.

All I can wonder

is how.


I think the first line should be:

"And you mop up all the tears by the morning."

This reads really well. I don't really think the comma is really needed, it seems to interrupt the sentence.

you had just left me alone.


First of all, did you de-capitalize this on purpose, cause if not, it should be capitalized. And then secondly, I found this confusing, how did the writer feel left alone. From what I got from what was written before, it seemed the way the writer got hurt was that he wasn't being heard, he wasn't being listened to. And if that' the case, then what did that line mean? I am really also just curious.

I also felt that this was confusing:

You punch and you scream and you say you live like you dream,


"...say you live like you dreamed"

I think it should be past tense.

and you sigh and you sigh and I sigh, but you sigh,


haha! There it is again! XD I really liked that you did that. I felt it worked.

and you say, "The shock of the matter is setting in, cause what my ride has to hide is like majorly wild,"


Now. This, I did not understand at all. I think that what you were trying to portray did not really get portrayed very well, so you might want to look over it. XP I am not really sure as to what you were trying to say so I can't even give you examples for ways it could be better displayed in my opinion. But I hope that it meant something, important. I would though not advise just writing random things, if you did, because poetry, at least for me, has a real link to emotions, whatever they may be, but then they also have meaning, whether understandable or not. In this case meaning, even meaning that confused me was not found for me. I just found confusion. And the thing is I'd really like to know what you meant/mean.

The rest of this stanza was great though, again wonderful rhyming there!

Fourth Stanza

so,

epiphanies arise.


I thought that this was pretty good, thinking on the word, and while I liked that you used it, I don't get how her not knowing why he was leaving brought forth an epiphany. Although that said, it maybe brought an epiphany upon him? Well alright. I think that maybe if there was a way you could write it where it shows he's the one with the epiphany that would be great. Because he continues on to explain it after all. I like it, but I have this feeling that it's a bit of a disconnect, in the way it was written and the position it was put, it seemed the epiphany was a bit rushed. Instead of that this could be an option:

"...then within me,

epiphanies arise."

Or

"...so, then,

epiphanies arrive."

Like you know they arrive to clear the air. XP These are just options, but please looks it over.

Your head can't comprehend the messy ladders that you climb.

Hop aboard my train of adequate,

and your life will be spiced up more than you owe to your wit,.


Added period there. And then, the first line there is really awesome. I love it. I think that it has a fabulous flow and I think that the metaphor it brings is really creative. The other lines I liked, I even liked the last line, although it linked to the last line of the stanza where you put a curse word. I didn't actually mind it, although I thought the significance of using it was not there. So while it made a punch, it also didn't really seem to belong in the poem.

Fifth Stanza

Like that weeping janitors tell no lies,


I don't really like this sentence in there for some reason, but hey! I got no real reason for that as far as I can tell. That said, I think it needs a comma.

"Like that, weeping janitors tell no lies,"

Or if you agree with me, that it could be changed this is a way it could be written:

"Weeping janitors tell no lies,

and the emotions they keep inside..." and so forth. I think it works nice like this, and I didn't really want to keep the "Like that" I didn't fully think it worked.

The rest of that sentence were really good lines though.

I love the way you ended it repeating everything. I found it nice, and the rhythm was so great! XD I really liked this poem. I can totally see it made into music. Great job mentee. You're better than your mentor. :') They grow up so fast. haha, just kidding. You're a really great writer Logi.

So that concludes this review.

--Keep writing and keep dreaming.




CowLogic says...


Thanks so much for your kind words and advice, Dreamy. It sure means a lot. This is a song, by the way.

Like you said, this can be taken in whatever way you want, and that's the beauty of music, but I'll tell you the interpretation that I wrote it about and from. SPOILERS ahead.

I kind of agree with you about naming the girl. I will change that.

Verse 1:

The "I don't think you know why I wrote this" was a lead in to one of the song's themes, which is that she thinks that she is being pretty believable. More on that later.

The first part of the stanza is basically saying that she is ignorant to the fact he knows he's full of it, and he's asking her to leave him alone for good, like ending the relationship. Or he could be asking himself to forget about her so he can move on with his life.

Then it goes into flashback mode. The next part is taking place on her doorstep, perhaps after a date that went foul, and she is trying to invoke sympathy for herself by getting all fired up and teary eyed, then talking about how her life sucked (when it really didn't) to explain her angst. By "I don't think I can keep going" or whatever it was, I actually was referring to her going on living, because she's acting like she has nothing to live for.

Unfortunately, "I" bought it at the time, despite my doubts, because everyone thinks "weeping janitors tell no lies."

Chorus:

Now we get to the meat of the matter, here. In the beginning, he, like everyone else thinks that weeping janitors tell no lies. By Janitors, he refers to people who have it collected, people who "clean" themselves up to show their attractiveness like a mask, like a fancy parlor in a dirty house. He's saying his girlfriend is a janitor, symbolically.

He's saying that when they weep, these people talk about their lives. And since all you know about them is that clean parlor of a psyche, you automatically assume that in times of emotional distress, they will tell the truth unconditionally. What they say is not taking on a guise.

Next he questions this theory, asking if there really is some sort of traumatic background behind the tears, a story behind the emotionality, or is it all BS. He syas that the details of their story don't line up, they fail to cohere. He questions their legitimacy.

Verse 2:

Now it's the morning after the teary confessions of his gf. He came to her house to see if she was okay, and when she came outside, the tears were all gone and she looked fine, like the night before never happened. When he sees this, he wonders how she could have done this to him if the tears weren't real. ergo "How could you leave me alone."

So when she realizes this, she tries to pass it off as "the shock of the matter setting in." Then she tries to regain his sympathy again by saying that her secret past was "like majorly wild." However, this time, he sees her for the charlatan she is, and it's obvious this time, so he leaves.

Bridge:

This might be a controversial message, but: He realizes that she doesn't even know that she's lying to him about this because she convinces herself that she is not lying when she talks about fictitious events in her past. It's like when people speak in tongues when on fire with some emotion-based "spiritual enlightenment," which is often, in my opinion, not fully true. Some of it's true, I'm sure, I'm just saying.

So he, not in reality, but in his mind consoles her and tells her to get over herself, leave behind the janitors mop, and hop on to the train of uninteresting shades of gray, the adequacy that most people are born into. He closes by saying that we're all full of BS about some things, specifically "Like that [we think] weeping janitors tell no lies."

And that's about the size of it. Some of the punctuation errors I will fix, but I hope that my telling you it is a song cleared up any other lyrical issues.

Thanks again for the review.





XDDDDDDDDDDDDD I love it as a song. And the meaning's all I really care about. XD It's beautiful. And I wish I could like your long comment. *likes*

I get it more now, and I think it's very beautiful, and meaningful. Excellent. Tell me if you want to make it into a song please! XD



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Thu Aug 01, 2013 5:24 am
CowLogic says...



BTW, Montana is the name of the girl he's speaking to. No relation to the state.




Blackwood says...


I got more of the impression is that hes in love with this Janitor who happens to be named Montana and this janitor in question looks like this innocent janitor who's been cleaning up his, I dunno wherever he works facility, and on the inside the janitor is really this empty faceless mannequin from outaspace who's only pretending to be the janitor that the guys in love with.

....Thats so epic.



CowLogic says...


Wow! I didn't think anyone would get that!



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Thu Aug 01, 2013 4:59 am
CowLogic says...



BTW, Montana is the name of the girl he's speaking to. No relation to the state.





What's the point of being a grown-up if you can't be a bit childish sometimes?
— 4th Doctor