Heartbeats: ​Chapter 2

by umaima

Published July 30, 2013

E - Everyone

In Heartbeats

Chapter 2: Me and Her?

I sat on my usual place, the last lunch table in the cafeteria. Alone, that’s how I liked it. It wasn’t that I was an outcast or something; I just liked to be alone and not bothered by people. Drew sat on the first lunch table with the ‘popular kids’ or should I call them a bunch of irritating mess making people, yeah that sounds more like them.

He knew exactly how I was so he let me have my space and managed to keep people away from me since primary and frankly speaking I was thankful for that. I had never been the person who would go out and speak to people; I liked to be a ghost though I wouldn’t say I was or am successful at that. In spite all my efforts I am still the talk of the school and it’s quite irritating sometimes.

My thoughts got interrupted as the main doors that lead to the cafeteria opened with a thud. Satine, of course. She ran inside the room like a cat and hopped onto one of the guys giving him a bear hug. ‘Must be her boyfriend’ I thought to myself ‘Wait, why do I care?’ and then I went back too my lunch, just to prove myself I didn’t care. Salad and apple juice, exactly what I like to eat.

However I wasn’t successful. Satine laughed so loudly that I just couldn’t help look at her. I kept sneaking glances at her whenever I got a chance and that was weird. Why? Because I never care what people do!

Her tray was filled with a large size burger, soda, french-fries, 2 pieces of pizza and a bowl of ice-cream. I laughed at the merry site of it; she ate like a person who has been starving since a month eats. Yes, she used to eat a lot.

I saw the girls eye her unpleasantly as she finished her meal in about 10 minutes or less. After some time of mindless staring I went back to the normal me. When I looked up again I saw her staring at me with a smile on her face. Her eyes seemed to be living in their own world, a world full of thoughts. Thoughts I could never unfold.

“Sir, Miss. Satine’s condition is very unstable. Her blood pressure is extremely low; she can’t stand though we have given her daily injections and medicine. There’s a possible risk of her…” Jack didn’t even want to hear the nurse out. One word was enough to make him run towards Satine all alert and run towards her, her name was enough to wake all his senses up. He ran as fast as he could towards Satine’s room and successfully managed to not make many people fall in the process.

As he opens the door and walks in he finds Satine sitting on her knees beside the bed and there are two nurses standing right beside her. ‘Stubborn as always’ Jack murmurs to himself and directs the nurses to leave and when they leave, he leans at the door and watches her struggle. After the countless tries of useless struggling Satine falls again and tears roll out of her eyes.

She feels weakness crawl into her body and her legs hurt miserably. Tears stung her eyes as the pain increased and she felt helpless. She wanted to shout and scream but she couldn’t. No matter how much she tried she couldn’t do anything anymore and that itself was the worst feeling for her. Her black hair almost covers her face as she starts crying. She keeps her weak hands on the bed once again and tries to stand even though she knows the outcome already.

Outside, that’s where she wanted to go. She knew she was going to die soon and the only thing she wanted to do was to see that big tree she had once planted outside the hospital when her parents died and sit under it. She wanted to feel the breeze she felt years ago. She wanted to remember those old times she had. She wanted to feel the pain again, the pain of seeing the only people who loved her under a white sheet. The pain to see them been buried in front of her own eyes. The pain that was ever-lasting, unexplainable and indescribable. She wanted to feel it all again and die with it. She wanted to so much that she could keep trying till the end.

This time when she was about to fall she felt two strong hands pull her up and she felt herself lean against someone’s chest. “Let me help you” Jack whispered to her as he holds her as gently and softly as possible. “Please” He whispered again as the pain in his heart increased and she slowly turned towards him and looked at him. As their eyes met Jack noticed Satine’s eyes, they told a story of their own, a helpless story.

Jack, she thought as she heard the beautiful voice. It’s Jack, her mind told her and for the first time she wanted to look at someone. She turned and as she faced him more tears escaped her eyes. It is Jack, her conscience told her. He hadn’t changed, he still looked like the ‘all serious Jack Diamond’ she had known years back. He was still as handsome as he was before. With the perfect grey eyes that matched his black hair that fell eloquently on his forehead and made him look all more handsome. Shock covered her whole body and she just kept staring at him.

“I never knew staring at the frogs was found so interesting” I said as I walked towards the guy I had prank-ed earlier. He gave his ‘You are disturbing me and I am least interested in talking to you’ look and my heart melted. Just kidding, it didn’t really melt but Ah well.

He went back to looking at those creatures while I took in his appearance because well, I wasn’t really interested in the frogs and for one thing, he was really dashing. No wonder why the girls spoke about him so much.

“It is” he said softly, breaking me from my thought. Wow! Even his voice sounded amazing. That’s it, in no way am I believing that he is human, maybe a vampire? Gosh, of course he isn’t and I smacked myself on the head for been so ridiculous. He looked at me and gave an almost unnoticeable smile which I luckily noticed. Let’s reconsider the fact about him been a Vampire sometime late, shall we?

“You do know that these frogs are going to be used for our assignments in our bio class which is just after this class, right?” I asked him. He kind of looked attached to them, no way is he the frog prince or something? Ew, no.

“Frog prince?” he looked at me with confusion. I spanked my head again, I still had the habit of speaking my thoughts and it usually got me into trouble.

“Yeah, umm… I think the frog who looks like the Daniel kid in our Math class there is the frog prince” I said trying to sound convincing. He laughed and I gave out an unnoticeable sign of relief. Thank goodness he bought it. And then again there was silence.

“I hate it when they use animals for examining. I hate it when the kill them just because they want to experiment something. It’s unfair” He said in almost a whisper. I could see that he meant each and every word that he said and I felt kind of bad too, for the animals of course. And then the black bulb above my head started to glow, I mean I got an idea.

“Dack, I think we can do something about this” I shouted and he shifted a little, looking at me with confusion. As he didn’t say anything I continued to tell him my whole plan and then he did something unexpected. He laughed and started to ead towards the door mouthing bye to me.

“HEY!” I shouted at him “If you don’t help I will do it on my own okay”

He turned back to look at me and mouthed ‘all the best’ and then left. Was it too hard to say that instead of mouthing it, boys, I can never understand what is wrong with them. Well, as he wasn’t going to help I decided to do it on my own.

As he left the class I quick closed the door, yes I was alone in the bio lab because our Biology Sir was… let’s just say a little different. He was in the teacher’s staffroom eating his lunch like always. There were only two things he did when he had a free class. First, eat and second, try to impress our Chemistry teacher.

I quickly grabbed the container from the table and opened it near the window. Our school was located near a river so it was the best thing I could do. School near a river, does it sound weird? Well, our school is a little weird so don’t stress yourself. And I added the finishing touch by putting a not in it.

Bio class started sooner than I had thought and I sat near Dack or was it Rack, no Rack isn’t even a name. It must be Dack of course. When Dack noticed the container empty he eyes me and shock his head with a small smile on his face. I grinned proudly. Sir was even more shocked than ever. He screamed at the whole class when he saw the container shouting “Who did this” again and again and then when finally he opened the container and read the note he became more furious. Well, he had all the rights as I had written in the note

How dare you try to kill my only 32 husbands!

FROG QUEEN

CREDITS: FROG MAN

Everyone laughed as a boy got up and read the note aloud but Dack just kept smiling to himself. Maybe he must be thinking how incredible of a genius I was or may be not. ‘You are the frog man’ I mouthed to him and he whispered “I know”.

Jack helped Satine into a wheelchair and she sat down without looking away from his face. She had never thought she would get to see him again. To be honest, she never even thought she would be alive till now but to her despair, she was and he was here, right by her side once again.

Jack knew exactly where Satine wanted to go. He didn’t need words to be sure of it. He knew her more than she could possibly know herself and Satine knew that as well so she just calmly let him help her.

Jack took Satine outside and helped her sit on the bench under that tree. Finally she could feel again. She looked at the tree for a long time until a group of children came running towards their bench. A small smile appeared on her lips as they came close to her. Smiling felt good, she hadn’t done it since years and the change felt good. She always loved children, Jack thought to himself and he smiled too.

As he saw her smile the only thing he wanted to do was to keep looking at her. He knew well of her behavior since years as he asked the people in the hospital about it and she hadn’t smiled in a long while and seeing her smiling like this made his heart melt and he swore to himself that he would do anything to get her back.

The happiness didn’t last long as she saw a boy run towards to grab hold of a girl whom he called his sister and scolded her for been so care less and she remembered her memories. Her brother used to do the same. At her brother’s memory tears stung her eyes once again. Why was this so painful? Why had she been such a fool? Such an idiot before? She asked herself.

She cursed herself for been the stupid and immature person she was and then suddenly her heartbeat became unstable again. She felt a strange pain within her and her breathing rate decreased. She really couldn't breathe and the next thing she knew everything went black.

------------

How's it?

Ch: 3's link: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=103672

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
manisha
Review
manisha wrote a review Review · Aug 25, 2013

Hi again Umaima! I'm here for chapter two!
I'll jump right into the reviewing!

You start with the continuation of the flashback. It is interesting to have a glimpse of young Jack.

Yes, she used to eat a lot.

I found this odd because you seem to have shifted to the present and not the recollection time. You could make it normal text so it shows that it isn't part of the past scene.(I hope I'm not confusing you as I'm not able to put my point properly)

One word was enough to make him run towards Satine all alert and run towards her,
Run towards is repeated twice.

He ran as fast as he could towards Satine???s room and successfully managed to not make many people fall in the process.

As he opens the door and walks in he finds Satine sitting on her knees beside the bed and there are two nurses standing right beside her.

You change tenses from one paragraph to the other. Here you shift from past progressive to past perfect progressive. Watch your tense next time. Maybe its hard to notice when you are typing it, but a reread might help you. :)

Love the frog story! It was very adorable!

Another good chapter!

Do look into the typos and punctuation! Nothing a reread cannot correct!
Hope I helped!

Let me know when the next chapter is up?!
-manisha

User avatar
megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review Review · Aug 13, 2013

Hey Umaima!

Here to give you a review~

I haven't read chapter one, so I'm sorry if I make any weird assumptions.

What cute characters! I love them, and I'm of the opinion that characters are the core of the story. If you've got solid characters, you have a good foundation and a good chance at a fantastic story.

I'm going to dive right into some nitpicks.

One word was enough to make him run towards Satine all alert and run towards her, her name was enough to wake all his senses up. He ran as fast as he could towards Satine’s room and successfully managed to not make many people fall in the process.

Lots of repetition here. So much that I'm having trouble understanding what you mean.

As he opened the door and walked in he found Satine sitting on her knees beside the bed, and there were two nurses standing right beside her.

This is where the tense problems begin. They continue for a while after this though...

It is Jack, her conscience told her.

This sounds a bit awkward. You have something similar somewhere. Perhaps you could italicize the thoughts instead, so you don't have to put a tag after it at all?

his black hair that fell eloquently on his forehead
What does that mean? As much as I love the word eloquent and all forms of it, I don't know what it means in this sense.

Let’s reconsider the fact about him been a Vampire sometime late[b]r, shall we?[/b]


I hate it when they kill them


He laughed and started to ead towards the door mouthing bye to me.


Was it too hard to say that instead of mouthing it? Boys, I can never understand what is wrong with them.


As he left the class I quick closed the door. Yes I was alone


He knew well of her behavior since years as he asked the people in the hospital about it and she hadn’t smiled in a long while and seeing her smiling like this made his heart melt and he swore to himself that he would do anything to get her back.

So many ands. Maybe a period every now and then? ;)

As Deanie said, you have a pit of a run-on problem. I pointed a few of those out. It also needs a fine toothed comb to get some of those typos out, but that's easy. Sometimes you repeat things, not just words, but ideas and feelings or emotions. I'd read through, and each sentence, try to see if you haven't already mentioned the main idea of the sentence recently before.

Your frog scene was adorable. I would have never thought of anything like that, and it's a cute look into Satine's character. Very good job. :)

If you have any questions or comments, please post on my wall, shoot me a pm, or hit me up in chat.
I hope to see more of your writing
Megs~

umaima replied · Aug 13, 2013

Thanks meg

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2013

Hey Umaima,

Nice story here :) I've read the first chapter as well so it all makes sense to me. I like Jack's character, and I like how you have used flashbacks in there as well, so we can see their history. Nice :)

The main problem with this story, is that it sounds like the whole thing is being "gushed" out. I hope I am not offending here, or at least don't mean to. For a while I couldn't figure out why this was, until I realized that you have run on sentences. Which means you use too many ands and don't have enough full stops :) Easily solved by splitting up the long sentences. I'll do a paragraph for you, as an example. If you compare, I'm sure you can fix the rest :)

He knew exactly how I was so he let me have my space and managed to keep people away from me since primary school. Frankly speaking I was thankful for that. I had never been the person who would go out and speak to people; I liked to be a ghost. Although I wouldn’t say I was or am successful at that. In spite all my efforts I am still the talk of the school and it’s quite irritating sometimes.

You see ^^ Also sometimes you jump from present to past tense. I understand how the flashbacks are in past tense, but when it comes to their current time, you still jump sometimes. Decide which one you want and try your best to stick to it.

And lastly: there were small typos. Especially in the last flashback with the frogs. I won't point them all out because if you read it over I'm sure you can figure them all out.

But I like this story, and I'm interested to know what exactly happened that could make Santine fall so ill. And for their love to grow so much. And why was Jack all over the news? Is he famous? Could he be famous and get away with being in a normal school?

Keep writing, and please let me know on my wall whenever you post the next chapter! I would love to read it. :D

Deanie x

umaima replied · Jul 31, 2013

Thanks Deanie, the review was helpful and the changing tenses, i do have problem with that but I am trying to come out of this issue XD anyways thanks, your review was very helpful and I will be sure to inform you when I submit the next chapter :)

umaima replied · Jul 31, 2013

Thanks Deanie, the review was helpful and the changing tenses, i do have problem with that but I am trying to come out of this issue XD anyways thanks, your review was very helpful and I will be sure to inform you when I submit the next chapter :)



Poetry is my cheap means of transportation. By the end of the poem the reader should be in a different place from where he started. I would like him to be slightly disoriented at the end, like I drove him outside of town at night and dropped him off in a cornfield.
— Billy Collins