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Young Writers Society


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Heartbeats: Chapter 4

by umaima


Chapter 4:

“Jack, please Jack. Just this once” Satine begged and I watched her with amusement. It was before 15 minutes exactly since Satine cam over. I was standing on the balcony of my room when I saw Satine jogging over to my house. She stopped right in front of where I stood a floor above.

And then… She started talking…

And then came the camp trip into the conversation (or should I even call it a conversation? Because all I did was, smile and nod.)…

And now I am trapped…

Satine kept on playing with her hair which seemed to be the messiest hair I have ever seen and her eyes had a very light sparkle in them. Her shirt had “I can kill for ice cream” written on it. Her appearance was funnier than the situation, I will give her that but it was distracting too in a different way.

I looked no better though. I had worn a superman shirt which was the most embarrassing thing ever but I had to wear it because it was a gift from Satine and she… let’s just say is very dangerous if we ignore her gifts. I wouldn't blame her to get me this… different shirt, I mean what else can we expect from a crazy superhero fan?

“Stop acting like a child Satine. I can’t okay? First of all, I hate camping” I said her the tenth time “And second, I have a lot to do. By the way you can come inside and talk you know?” I said her in a matter-of-factly way.

“But this is so cool, talking like this I mean.” She said with a serious face and I tried to hold my laughter. That’s Satine alright. “Please Jack, I swear I would do anything you say. Just please, please, please, please come. The camping trip will be totally worth it. Please Jack.” She begged. She put on a puppy pout which made her look more hilarious.

“Not going to work Satine, I have some really important work to take care of tomorrow” I said keeping my coffee cup aside and looking at her intently.

“Is it more important than me?” She asked innocently and looked at the ground showing disappointment. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. I felt like I was dealing with a five year old… wait, let me correct that… I was dealing with a five year old! Despite being 17, Satine always acted like a 5 year old.

“Definitely not, but it’s more important than your childish request”

“Buh…”

“No buts Satine, I am not going and that’s final. Umm and if you don’t want the neighbors to get annoyed, come inside now”

She gave me a glare and then folded her hands and tried putting on an angry face which made it impossible for me to hold back a laugh. Call me rude but I ensure you, if you see her angry you will definitely burst laughing. It’s just not meant for her.

She sat on the bench nearest to my balcony and stared at the tree in front of her and said “I will not look at you or move from this place until and unless you agree to my demands. It’s a protest”

“Not affecting me at all angel, continue and have fun” I lied. I knew Satine well. She was stubborn and would do anything, yes anything, to make some one listen to her. I was worried but there were only two options- either agree to her or leave her be for the time being, she would eventually get bored and go. I choose the second option.

I hated saying no to her but I had to finish the hospital paper works as dad said he would be very busy this month and mom, let’s just say the last time she did the paperwork we found papers in the microwave and in our breakfast; Yeah, definitely not going to ask her to do it.

I tried to distract myself from the one and only person, sitting in the garden and tried doing my biology project. It was due 3 weeks later but frankly I had nothing else to do. 3 hours finally passed and I was able to complete only 10 pages of the assignment, yeah she is definitely a good distraction.

“Agh!” She shouted the third time “My Ipad’s battery is dead. Not you too.” She nagged, the first time it was her mobile then her MP3 and now her Ipad. Finally she will be leaving! Unless…

“Jack!” She shouted again “I am not leaving ever and ever. Fine! You want to play this the hard way?” I wonder how the neighbors are tolerating her “Then hard way it is.” I laughed unaware of what was coming next.

IF YOU WERE GAY" My eyes widened, did I mention my parents were still at home? and that the neighbour's daughter was my crush since god knows how long...

"THAT'D BE OKAY.

I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,

I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.

BECAUSE YOU SEE…” I can’t believe she is singing this. OUTSIDE MY BALCONY! This is so embarrassing

IF IT WERE ME,

I WOULD FEEL FREE

TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY

(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)…” her voice grew louder and louder.

“Satine” I screamed “Trying to study here” Please shut your mouth... agh!

IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,

"HEY! GUESS WHAT,

I'M GAY!"

(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

I'M HAPPY

JUST BEING WITH YOU.”

“Satine” I shouted again.

“SO WHAT SHOULD IT

MATTER TO ME

WHAT YOU DO IN BED

WITH GUYS?

That was it.(Please, No offence to anyone) I got up to go to her and planned on picking her up and carrying her to her house when I heard Tom barking. Oh no! Good tommy but knowing Satine, she was one hell of a pussy when it comes to animals. She is scared, like damn scared of animals. And then I heard her scream to confirm my worries. I ran downstairs as fast as I could.

I felt like laughing when I saw Tom running back of Satine, barking as loud as he could. Satine finally climbed the tree nearest to her (I always thought her as a monkey) and sat of on a branch. I could have laughed if I didn't know Satine well. Tears were escaping her eyes and she closed them. I could feel how scared she was. She held her hands together and started praying, Typical Satine.

I ran towards the dog and hushed him. Then I tied his leash tightly to the dog house and ran towards the tree Satine sat on. I shouted her name but she didn't open her eyes and her lips still moved like she was still praying.

I quickly climbed the tree and sat near her and tears were still streaming out of her eyes, I could feel her heart beat when she quickly grabbed me in a hug and felt guilty. She kept on whispering Thank You's and finally I broke of the hug. I wiped her tears and smiled at her "You know, you could have just shouted my name" I whispered getting a little closer to her. My one hand still wrapped around her waist and the other on her cheek.

"Either ways" she whispered "You're here aren't you?" I looked at her with confusion written all over my face. Sometimes she really confused me a lot. We both stared at each other and I felt myself move more closer to her, so did she. For a moment, I swear my heart skipped a beat.

We came closer...

and closer...

and closer...

and then...

The branch broke and we both fell, landing on our bums.

One, two, three...

And we started laughing like maniacs.

"Sir" a faint voice said "Excuse me Sir" the female voice said again. Jack opened his eyes to see the pilot of his private jet standing in front of him.

"Sir, we have reached our destination" she said in a cheerful voice. Jack looked out of the jet and wasn't really surprised to see farms everywhere.

He slowly got up and got to the car he had rented. He had bought no luggage with him because he had no plans at all to stay over at satine's aunt's. He couldn't leave Satine alone no matter what.

The whether was relatively nice and amazing scenery brought a smile to Jack's face. The clod breeze played with his hair and made it a little messier than what they already were. The drive to Satine's Aunt's house wasn't long but for Jack, it seemed to be.

Satine's Aunt lived in a colony. All the houses were same so Jack had to check the number plate thrice to ensure he was in front of the right house. When Jack was sure it was the right house, he entered through the main gate and rang the bell.

After 2-3 rings, the door opened revealing an old man dressed in a brown shirt and black pants. He was comparatively fat and had a big tummy, the typical couch husband type.

"Good afternoon sir, I am Jack Diamonds" Jack introduced himself to the man while he adjusted his brown spectacles and looked at him doubtfully "Satine's friend" Jack continued and the old man's eyes widened "And the doctor who is currently treating her" As soon as Jack completed the sentence, the old man's eyes grew even larger and his face wore an expression of shock.

The old man seemed to be gasping for air and after a few seconds he finally said "Satine is alive?" he asked "It can't be."

----

Ch 5 coming soon


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1634 Reviews


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Thu Oct 17, 2013 7:44 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Umaima!

Sorry I took so long to arrive, but now I'm here to review it! I read it, and I think it was great. The personalities of the characters are so clear. You can tell that Satine is stubborn, sensitive and very dramatic, while Jacob is more of the level headed type. I also really liked the flashback at the beginning of the scene. It was a lovely snippet of romance that I enjoyed reading.

Now, openings are always important, but the opening to this chapter I didn't quite understand.

It was before 15 minutes exactly (Yes, I have been counting) and I was standing on the balcony of my room when I saw Satine jogging over to my house. She stopped right in front of where I stood a floor above.


It was fifteen minutes before what? That was never finished so I had no clue what Jacob meant by this. And don't forget the word order here as well. It should be: it was exactly 15 minutes before [I went to sleep or something].

A technical detail that could use some fixing is your use of dialogue. Not that it's bad, but it's more the punctuation. Whenever a sentence is complete within speech marks it needs either a comma or a full stop. In this chapter, if it wasn't a question or an exclamation it looked like this: "Satine's friend" Jack continued and the old man's eyes widened "And the doctor who is currently treating her" Really, it should look like this: "Satine's friend," Jack continued as the old man's eyes widened. "And the doctor who is currently treating her."

Again with the technical details, sometimes in this chapter there were missing commas. It's a little thing, but it can be handy for the reader if this is fixed. My advice is for you to read the chapter out loud and see where you pause. Wherever you pause, there should either be a comma or a full stop. If you still need some help with this, catch me in chat :)

I'm really curious to see why the old man assumed Satine was dead! I think this is going to make an interesting starter for the next chapter. But I also agree with DarkRaven here, when he says to also have some non-romantic troubles or happenings going on. Wouldn't it be interesting if something so big comes up it disrupts Jacob on healing Satine? And the more distracted he gets from healing his love, the more flashbacks occur?

So, this is basically all I have to say. Don't forget to sprinkle a bit more detail and description everywhere, it really adds magic to writing ;) My favourite scene was when Satine was praying in the tree. It really brought across her character and it made me smile :) Keep me updated! Please keep letting me know whenever the next chapter is up and posted ^^

Deanie x




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Sun Oct 13, 2013 6:21 am
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manisha wrote a review...



Hiya Umaima!
Manisha here to review for you :)

I'll review as I read.

I think you can do much better as to how you started this chapter. How you begin determines the readers interest in the story and starting off with a dialogue as simple as "Jack, please Jack. Just this once” doesn't make it very attention grabbing.

And then… She started talking...

I do not see the necessity of using ellipses here. Ellipses is a piece of punctuation which can be used to indicate a pause or a gap in a piece of text. As you need to do either here they are not needed.

Her appearance was funnier than the situation, I will give her that but it was distracting too in a different way.

What exactly was the funny situation? She just came to speak to him right?

I felt like I was dealing with a five year old… wait, let me correct that… I was dealing with a five year old!

Satin is five?

And also, you have used the phrase "let's just say" more than once. It is kinda jarring so I would suggest you replace the other one with something else.

It was due 3 weeks later but frankly I had nothing else to do. 3 hours finally passed and I was able to complete only 10 pages of the assignment, yeah she is definitely a good distraction.

It is usually good to write numbers in words. 3 as three.

“IF YOU WERE GAY" My eyes widened, did I mention my parents were still at home? and Andthat the neighbour's daughter was my crush since god knows how long...

Haha, this was funny. I would not have thought of this.

I could feel her heart beat when she quickly grabbed me in a hug and felt guilty.

Who is feeling guilty? When I read it sounds like Satine is feeling guilty but it should be Jack right?
He had bought no luggage with him because he had no plans at all to stay over at satine's aunt's.

bought is brought.

The clod breeze played with his hair
clod is cold. Minor typo.

The whether was relatively nice and amazing scenery brought a smile to Jack's face.

It would be great if you described the amazing scenery than just saying it was amazing.

The old man seemed to be gasping for air and after a few seconds he finally said "Satine is alive?" he asked "It can't be.

The ending was very well done!

Overall, it was a good read!
I look forward to the next chapter.
~manisha




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Fri Oct 11, 2013 6:27 am
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D4RKR4VEN wrote a review...



Hi, I've read your work and it's interesting enough. Do note however that I haven't read the previous chapters, and I am not a fan of romance novels, so my critiques may be a bit biased. I will do my best to observe objectively however. I am The Raven, and I will be reviewing your work this time. My review will be divided up into The Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions. Now, let's get down to business...

The Good:
1) Your characters are written well enough for their personality to shine through. That's one way to build up your narrative. Thankfully, it didn't matter how rich your characters are - it's a good thing you steered clear of that, because rich guys are poorly used in Romance novels (I think).

2) The events in the narrative are quite lively and interesting. It serves to drive the narrative in tandem with your characters.

What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) Technical language problems, this time less to do with grammar and more to do with vocabulary and spelling. It's a bigger problem in the second half of the chapter. Perhaps you're getting tired? Anyway, here's a few of them, but there are a few more:

The whether was relatively nice


It should be weather.

The clod breeze played with his hair


Did you mean 'cloud'?

He had bought no luggage with him


I believe you meant 'brought', unless he literally went on a shopping spree to buy everything he brought on the plane. Anyway, there are many more for you to look out for. There are still grammar mistakes though, but not as many as the other kinds of mistakes you made.

2) You won't need a *flashback* tag. You could easily and elegantly show that it is a flashback by the way you write a flashback. You could try phrasing it as a flashback, or make it such that it was the character mentally recalling certain events.

3) I'm sure you could describe everything more. How was the plane like? How was the neighbourhood like? How was the apartment like? These could act as externalised characterisation of the people in your story. Moreover, intimate details like that will be endearing. It will make your novel all the more interesting to read.

4) I might have missed alot in the predecessing chapters, but isn't Satine a little too young at 5 years of age to be engaging in romance? Unless you want to explore the issue of paedophilia, this won't be a problem though. If Satine isn't really 5 years of age, your statement that he IS dealing with a 5 year old was misleading.

5) Despite the romance novel being interesting, I was starting to feel the pangs of boredom paragraphs down the line. You should find a way to appeal to non-romance novel readers. One way to do it is to introduce more devices, other themes, subplots (although you might have already did) that has less to do with romance.

That's all I have for now. Hope this helps! :)





If I had control over the quote generator, I feel like I would put half of YWS in it.
— Kaia