Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
This is my probably really awful attempt at punk-poetry. For those of you who don't know, it's not really your ordinary poetry. I was trying to write something in the style of John Copper Clarke. You can watch this if you want, although WARNING CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE.
I'm probably going to regret posting this, alas ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Promiscuity:
The posh may call it promiscuous
Others could deem you harsher words
-
The bittersweet attention
That you never fail to mention even
though I hear you crave it
I doubt you'd ever save it
For the people at home who know
You're not what you seem
to the people outside, online
You're the girl of your own dreams.
-
Playing around with your sexuality
But we know that in reality
You can't stand the absurd idea
Of doing the dirty with Sophia
-
I can't hear you through your fake tan
Or the fake tattoos that lay upon your hand
Nothing left but an expensive taste
And that barely even buys your mates
Am I mistaken, is that a t shirt, not a dress,
Is it for the boys you always try to impress?
Or is it for those followers who adore you so greatly
The confident demeanour you show so blatantly.
-
You've got that 'I don't care' attitude
So I feel obliged to show you gratitude
The other girls are jealous
That you seem to get all the fellas
-
The post may call it promiscuous
But I'd just say you're a--
.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...
I know why I like this so much! This reminds me of an essay but in poetry! That is really awesome! *hi fives Arctic* You should put this poem in some sort of specific category, not just general, general, something else! It only takes a couple minutes. XD You did pretty good with your rhyming scheme. Overall, great job! Have a nice review week! Keep calm and keep writing!
I'm here for the poetry exchange thingy and I must say I'm glad to be reading such a wonderful piece of poetry. I think that you did a great job with punk poetry(I've never tried it but I can clearly see that this a great poem). One thing that bothers me is how the 4th stanza is so large, I could totally see it split up into two stanzas to keep the organization move better. That little ending that you have right there is amazing! I loved it is a really good way to end a punk poem(you made it sound really punky, if that is even a word). All these things that you mention here are so true. Like the girls in my classes are so revealing in every way that they can(even though we have a small dress code). This is a really unique style of poetry though, you ideas throughout this are just 0-0. I just figured something out!
Hello!
I like your style and I find the subject interesting, if not a reprise of many other poems covering the same topics and ideas.
Some of your lines are a bit awkward, even for a poem as stylish as this one. You establish a rhythm of sorts that I feel gets disrupted every once in a while for reasons that are not necessary and easily repairable. For example,
You seem to force this line like it's square peg into a round hole. You could smooth those angles by rephrasing it. "I'm not mistaken, that's a t-shirt, not a dress," is one variation. The iambic pentameter in this line is more consistent with those around it. No need to use my suggestion, just think about editing the line a bit.
These two lines do not sound right to me. You almost abandon your poetic voice for a more conversational tone and I really don't like it as it is inconsistent and rather a chore to read. Perhaps you could reconsider this?
I understand the ideas you are conveying in this poem and I like most of the stylistic choices you make. However, I feel some measure of superficiality in this poem as it demonstrates an opinion on a girl that's solely based on speculation and appearances. The lack of depth is something that I am struggling to accept because your poem is about lack of depth...why shouldn't your poem literally lack depth. This would only support your message, after all.
In all, perhaps reconsider some structural aspects of this poem. Otherwise, I thought it was overall well done.
Thanks,
Dmytra
Hey Tammy! Here's the second review you never got for Secret Santa. I'm sorry about the delay, busy few weeks.
Anyways, I've read the other two reviews and I agree about the rhyme scheme. While this poem was well written and used beautiful words to produce images, I felt the rhymes were forced out of you. I was also searching for the next rhyme, and I had to reread the poem to actually focus on the content itself. So I suggest you work on that, find rhymes that flow better, or just make it a free form poem, ee cummings style!
As I said above, you used some really nice words in here, despite the forced rhyming. I felt the emotion in your words and the images it brought up, so keep on doing that! I also liked the way you had your verses set up, and the lines were crisp and short. Easy to read.
It was also a really nice poem, so good job and keep on writing!
Btw, your poem has earned me my fourth star! Whooo!
~ Iggy.
Hi there.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
The subject of your poem is relatable. I, too, have written poetry about my peers and how disgusting they are at one point or another.
The rhyme scheme overtook the whole poem and made it very difficult to enjoy. It felt like everything had to rhyme, and instead of reading it for the meaning, my brain wanted to see where you took the rhyme next. Which probably wasn't your intent.
I'm not particularly familiar with the punk poetry genre, though I would think that most of it has a bit more meaning than this. This poem is more of a rant than it is a poem, about the disgust of someone online creating a different persona.
Another thing, if you are going to imply a swear word, just write it. Poetry was not built with censorship in mind, especially punk poetry. Don't imply, just put it out there. It makes the poem seem like it was written by someone trying to be someone they aren't. Does that sound familiar?
This poem seems rather narrow minded. Nearly everyone edits their online selves to make themselves look better; why not? I want to be someone else sometimes. It's escapism. Everyone escapes reality in their own way, and everyone needs to. You might have your own opinion about sleeping around and sexuality, but don't criticize those who feel differently than you. Also, do you know that this girl isn't bisexual? Or even bicurious? Take people's word. You don't know how they're feeling, and there is no way for you to ever know.
I understand that this is supposed to be denouncing vapid people, but it comes off as bullying. It feels like it targets one person. If that person read this, they would be hurt. Think about what you're writing, and how it comes off.
I do like the line "the posh may call it promiscuous." It's a good way to start.
Altogether, work on your rhyme scheme and your tone. You use good vocabulary, and you have a sense of rhythm, which is nice. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Keep writing!
IT'S REVIEW TIME, COME ON AND GRAB YOUR FRIENDS!
Okay, the first thing I want to bring up is your obvious hatred of modern teenagers, which seems unjust, you never give an excuse for your hatred. Unless this is specifically targeted at someone particular, which I feel you may be doing by the mentioning of a first name, "Sophia".
Also, it's a very angry poem, which I personally disliked. Then again, it fits your subject. I felt you could have made your poem more reliable for the reader, because it just looks like a personal rant.
I did like your descriptive language. I love how well you described your subject and made your hatred understandable.
To be honest, I didn't really like your poem, but you used good writing techniques, which I did enjoy.