Pan's Story. Part II

by deleted17

Published July 23, 2013

16+ Violence

In The Forgotten Daughters

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Note to the reader: I had received a package a few days earlier... It was covered in ancient greek runes. It had burns and claw marks on it... and inside was an audio recorder. There was also a note. To whom it may concern: We choose you to write down our fates, as because you would only believe us. I have concluded that the people that gave this to me want information out...Or to warn us. The decision is yours.

Sorry I had to cut off so early, we were being chased by-we'll get to that part later.

Anyway, as I said earlier my life got weirder. I was chased by a dog, but I swear it was as big slug bug. I saw a bum that only had one eye, and once a centaur. You get the idea. I always told Ms. H about the weird things, but she actually believed me. It wasn't until I was twelve Ms. H had disappeared, with a note for my mom. I couldn't get it open, so I gave it to my mom. We were actually invited to New York, Manhattan, to see her! I was so excited, that I didn't ask my mom about what the letter really said, at least, not until later.[ Yeah keep on calling me stupid, it doesn't anything.] When we got there, we did see her, just not as I was expecting.

I was just out walking along the beach,( Long Island, where else would we be?) when I heard a noise. A rustle of leaves, nothing more, but that's how the dog started chasing me. I kept a wary eye on the leaves though, just in case. A few minutes later, a dog came out. The only thing I could do was run. You would to, considering it was as big as an SUV. I ran and heard the dog running besides me, it was only a matter of time before it was in front of me.

When it did get in front of me, I slipped and fell in the dirt. " Nice doggy, nice doggy." I tried to calm it down but it only growled and came closer. Then I heard a whistling sound and from behind me, an arrow stabbed the dog in the chest. With a mournful howl, it dissolved into a pile of dust. I got up and wiped the dirt from my fingers. I turn to leave but I see where the arrow came from.

I saw a girl, no older than eight, with a long bow in her arms. " Halt, demigod." Says a voice behind me. I whip around to see a girl my age approach me. " Put down your bow Brooke, she is unarmed." The girl, Brooke, puts away her bow, but keeps a wary eye on me.

The other girl examines me with her eyes. Despite having jeans on and a hoodie, I feel exposed. "What are you doing in Hunters territory? Unless you come from that camp seeking salvation, I suggest you leave." Hunters? Camp? I think to myself. " Um sure, I leave. Oh and thanks for killing that dog, Brooke." I say. Brooke looks furious. " Dog? Dog?! That was no dog!!" She says in an infuriated voice to me. To the other girl, " She is ignorant my lady, I suggest that we take her in as a Hunter!" Brooke is near shouting.

The other girl considers for a moment." A good suggestion, Brooke, but I think The Fates have something in mind for her. To be able to almost outrun a hellhound is impressive. But not Hunter quality." She answers thoughtfully. " But Artemis-" Brooke starts to argue. " No buts, Brooke." She thinks for a moment."But, we shall escort her to The Camp. Just to make sure she gets there safely." She adds.

Thoughts are racing through my head. Artemis? The goddess from Greek mythology? Why does NONE of this make sense? " C'mon girl." This infuriates me. They're willing to give out their names, but don't bother to learn mine? " It's Ivy, not girl." I say to Brooke. She snorts, " Another nature name, just great. Wait 'til Lily hears about this." She says to herself. She motions with her to get going. We start to run, and I notice that there's more girls with us. They're all wearing the same thing: silver chitins.

We stop in the middle of the forest. Artemis raises her hand. " We found one, and don't pretend that you're not there. It's nearly midnight ." Kids around college age jump from the trees. A girl with white hair comes and meets-no, to nice- confronts us. She raises her head to me. "This her?" She grunts. Artemis nods. "Well, hand her over then!" Artemis gives me a small smile before I'm handed over. " Oh hey, Lily, guess what her name is." Brooke calls out. Lily takes a stab at it. " Ivy?" She answers. Brooke, for her part, looks dejected. "Yes." Artemis sighs impatiently. " Let us go with out starting another war, shall we?" It's more of a command than a request when she says that.

"Hey Ivy," Brooke gets my attention after Lily leaves. I go over to her, making sure to stay on my side. She hands me a six inch dagger." You're going to need it, trust me." With that she runs off with the other Hunters.

I examine the knife closely. The only thing I can tell about it is that it's bronze with a leather hilt. I stuff it in my back pocket, not really sure why Brooke gave it to me.

"Hey, you alright?" I jump and turn around. It's just Lily. I nod. She nods back." Okay then, let's get going." We walk to-whatever where they were going. We walk with a couple of other kids around Lily's age.

I walk with Lily, wishing I could be five and hold her hand and be shy. We get to the edge at dawn. It took five hours to get to this place, and it better be worth it. I was good walker. As we start to exit, I feel as though something was pulling me back. I wanted to go back, but I'm headstrong.[Yeah yeah it also means stubborn]

The kids break into run, leaving me behind to think for a moment. " Ivy! C'mon ya lagger!" Lily calls out to me teasing me. " I'll show you who's a lagger!" I call back. I start to run, passing kids like they're slow. ( Some of them were, but these were college kids, not wanna-be middle schoolers!) I get up to Lily.

We stop, and she laughs and claps me on my shoulder." Ah, I knew that would answer my question!" What is she talking about now? " Huh? What are you talking about, Lily?" I ask, not sure what her answer was going to be. " How you outran the others. They're Hermes kids'!" She says out of breath.

I know that Hermes was the god of travel and merchants, so I wonder if that makes sense. I shrug," I was in track." I say, hoping that my little lie worked.[ yeah, it bit me in the butt later, now you will SHUT UP!?] She motions for me to follow her. The others walk up, looking at me like I was a freak, which eventually they would.

....

We were in a clearing, so it was another five minutes before we got to camp.... except it was something else beside that word. I marveled at what I saw. It was ginormous. To my right was the ocean, which is how they fund their stuff, I guessed. To my left was the rest of the camp.

Lily looks back at me. "Welcome to Camp!" She shouts. I come out of my daze and follow her into Camp. A boy runs up to us. " Lily! What the Hades!? You were supposed to check in an hour-" He stops abruptly, seeing me for the first time." Who's this? I thought that we weren't supposed to have any more for another month!" He says, eyeing me warily.

Lily shoves him." Be nice, Connor. She was dropped off by the Hunters." Connor looks over me. "She doesn't look like Hunter quality. What would they want with her?" He says still being a mean.

Before Lily can react, I punched the guy in the stomach. He really ticked me off. "For your information, I was chased by a hellhound!!" I say, wanting to kick him in every boys weak point. You know what I mean...

" Why would a pipsqueak like you be chased by hellhound? You're nothing special." He retorts. I, in response, punch him a little bit closer to the spot. He is going to get hurt even worse if he doesn't shut up.

Lily puts a hand on my shoulder, and leads me away. " Real nice kids you got here. Real nice." I mutter. "Hey,Connor's tough to every new kid. He wasn't like that to me though." She says soothingly. I snort. "That's because he likes you." Lily falls silent, and I wonder if I have hit a nerve.

She gives me a tour of the place, which is huge. No, I'm tired. She stops at the blacksmith.

"Any weapons, any kind at all, you give them up here." She states. I stare at her... And stare at her. "I'll take that as a no." She shows me to the sleeping area. It's nothing special, just the boys dorm on the left, the girls dorm on the right. I start to yawn, and she shows me to my room with eight other girls, which have left. I fall asleep on my bed, not bothering to change[Yes, forget my statement earlier]

I woke up to whispering voices. " The new girl is an Aries, I just know it!" One girl said. " But, she could be minor, like Nike." Another said. "No no no, she's an Athena, look at her!" Another said. Bad idea. I thought. I got out of bed quietly and was on the other side. " Hey, where did she go?!" I jump up." Boo!" I cry out. They scream and fall out of the bunk. I laugh and get up.

One of the girls gets up and walks over to me." That was rude of you." She states. I smile." Yeah nice ta meet you to." I say. A question pops up in my head. " What exactly where you three talking about? "

The one that talked earlier piped up. " We were talking about which godly parent ya have, since you don't look like anybody." The one on me left speaks up. " You have curly brown hair, brown eyes, and Asian skin. Nobody looks like that." The others nod.

I shake my head. I'm still tired, so I go back to sleep. The next morning Lily checks up on me. " You slept the whole entire day." She says to me. She's eighteen, but she sounds like a mom. I nod. " Missed breakfast, lunch, dinner and campfire... You must be starving." She was right, I was hungry.

" Too bad breakfast doesn't start for another hour." She jokes. My stomach rumbles. I groan. " I'll get you set up with something to do." A girl walks up. "Ah-ha! Here she is. Ivy, meet Heloise, your teacher with the fine art of speaking Ancient Greek." I honestly don't like the looks of Heloise. The one word term for her: Goth. Not saying any more.

She looks at me. I hold out my hand. "Nice to meet you, Heloise." She nods her head. "Follow me," She says. " Oh. Um, about that... I already know how to speak Ancient Greek." She looks at me and shrugs. "Great. Now I can sneak off. You wanna come?" She adds. I shrug. "Sure, could be fun." I follow her through the back ways of camp, avoiding the college kids.

We start heading up a steep trail. We get to the top and what I see... is amazing.

"Wow." I say breathlessly. I sit down next to Heloise and stare at the horizon. Below me is the forest, and a little ways to the right is Camp. But the most stunning thing is the ocean.

Heloise nods. "Yep found this when my teachers ditched me." She digs around in her backpack for a moment. She finds what she's looking for and holds up a bag. "Candy anyone?" She says proudly. "Sweet score!!" I say. We stay up there for what seems like forever, just in our own little word.

Note to the reader: For the love of god, DON'T complain that this is too long.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
StoneHeart
Review
StoneHeart wrote a review Review · Jul 28, 2013

Hey Wholesome, Black here for a REALLY quick review for ya!

Okay, so I'm not going to complain: It was a great size. Not so long as to bore me, but not so short as to be annoying. Good job there. You have a great style, and, in my opinion, you have a lot of prospectivity there. But you do have problems. The two I'd like to mention and talk about are your Grammar (understandable seeing your age -but not excusable), and your Originality (understandable but not excusable!)

The thing about your originality is that this story has already been written. I know where you're coming from here. Percy Jackson and the Olympians, right? Now fan fictions aren't a bad thing, but if you can create something original of your own, then you should do so. Don't follow when you can lead. Give the god's different names and put them on another planet, make your setting be in ANCIENT Greece . . . or in the future. Make it something new. Do that and it'll be appreciated a lot more.

I'll put in a quick comment on your pacing here as well: You really need to try to slow yourself down and use more emotions in your writing. It's usually as simple as that. Just slow down your pace a bit. Try to be emotional -use emotional words. You know everything you need to, just apply it. Don't jump from her being chased to her settling into camp so fast! Slow it down, put in details, tag things out. Describe things. Work on it! Also: I think you'd do well to put in more monologue (thoughts). It makes things easier going, more emotional, and more fun to read.

For your grammar: I'm going to just be giving you a few examples of your problem, quoted from your work, fixing them, and then trying to generalize. Remember here, it's up to you to do the hard work of following up on my reviews and fixing your STYLE! It won't fix itself, ever! You have to work on it!

I have concluded that the people that gave this to me want information out...Or to warn us. The decision is yours.

Sorry I had to cut off so early, we were being chased by-we'll get to that part later.

Anyway, as I said earlier my life got weirder. I was chased by a dog, but I swear it was as big slug bug. I saw a bum that only had one eye, and once a centaur.


Okay, a small thing about ellipses: You don't follow them with a capital letter. They don't work as periods (unless they're at the end of sentences), so that there 'Or' should just be 'or'. Remember that. What do you mean by 'the decision is yours', the decision isn't ours, it's YOURS. This isn't part of the note, is it? What does 'big slug bug' mean . . . as a big as a 'buggy', 'looked like a slug', as big as a slug/ bug'. What'd you mean here?

I was just out walking along the beach,( Long Island, where else would we be?) when I heard a noise. A rustle of leaves, nothing more, but that's how the dog started chasing me.


Again, a parenthesis doesn't work as a period. Your formatting for this sentence should be more like 'walking along the beach, (Long Island, where else would we be?) . . .' -without that space. If there was a rustle of leaves and a dog jumped out at her, then the 'nothing more' would be inappropriate as well.

She gives me a tour of the place, which is huge. No, I'm tired. She stops at the blacksmith.


Never count on your readers knowing where you are (description problem here!), you need to expand on this. Put in the details of this tour. In showing your character around, you are showing your reader around as well. And it really helps us to know where we are. I'm also assuming that this isn't camp half-blood, so you'll need to work through it better than this (I assume that because of the dorm style).

"Wow." I say breathlessly. I sit down next to Heloise and stare at the horizon. Below me is the forest, and a little ways to the right is Camp. But the most stunning thing is the ocean.


You should have an exclamation point after 'wow' or it sounds REALLY REALLY BLAND! Also, if you're going to show the view then try to use imagery in describing it, and do show exactly HOW the ocean is so stunning. If you hint about something the reader doesn't know about then, you're doomed. You need to describe it!

Anyway, that's enough for now! I think that all you really need here is practice. Practice practice practice! And yeah, more practice writing! Don't be put down though, I was at your place once. We all were. You just need to persevere, to work hard, to make your way through the hard times no matter what. Practice. Write shorts, novels, novella's . . . whatever. Just make sure you practice!

So that's enough for this review, I really like the idea you have going here. It has an original twist to an unoriginal idea, and is a lot of fun to read. Just watch your pacing, practice your writing (and grammar), and beware of your originality. And remember: KEEP WRITING -If you keep writing I guarantee that you will improve!

P.s. If you wanna follow up on this review then PM me. Also, if you wanna be really nice then PM me what you thought of this review, rating it on a scale of one to twenty. Please, please, please! :D Thanks!


~Black~

User avatar
ArcticMonkey
Review
ArcticMonkey wrote a review Review · Jul 28, 2013

Hey wholesome! Here to review part 2 of your story on this fine review day 8)

Can I just say, I think this is a massive improvement from part one. It's just so much more better written and makes sense more, although there's always still room for improvement, this was definitely an improvement from last time. I like how there were some new characters introduced and it was entertaining to see how they interacted with each other. I'll now talk about some critiques.

Before Lily can react, I punched the guy in the stomach.

Whoah whoah whoah, what? not only is this really out of character, but the other characters just don't seem to react to it like it's a normal thing to do! I'd either just get rid of it, or later explain in the story that the MC has a trait for being violent/short tempered?

Although it's good that you've got all these new characters, one critique I have is that they weren't really properly introduced and all sort of thrown in the story, so it got a tad confusing. Remember when introducing characters you don't have to be all 'this is Dave. Dave works for talktalk', but just show something that would be memorable of them. Even though this may be used a lot, using a physical appearance description is good because then it actually sticks in the readers mind. I think that this is especially important for this kind of story because it's mythological, and I'm sure the people aren't going to look like every Tom, Dick, and Harry- so explain that.

Now, you might have heard of something called show and not tell. If you haven't it basically means rather than just saying something about-usually a- character, you should show it in their actions, dialogue etc. For example in your story-
She's eighteen, but she sounds like a mom.

Okay sure you can mention that she's only 18, but rather than saying she sounds like a mum, show it! The funny this is here, you already sort of do in the dialogue before this, so this sentence after it just sin't really that necessary :)

Also, something I didn't really like about this chapter is that nothing big really happens. Also, before the evil dog story is told, it's already revealed what happens at the end, and personally I hate spoilers for these sorts of things, I mean I never skip anything in a book but this has sort of forced me to. We know that they stay generally safe from it, so I'suggest not mentioning it before hand and getting straight to the action.

A final point I want to make, and I think I talked about this in the last chapter, is more description of the setting. Again, this is really important because this is a fantasy land, and I know you're probably imagining a beautiful fantasy land in your head as you're writing this so why not share it with us? Really don't be afraid to go into detail, you want to take the readers away from their sofa, away from their bedroom, away from wherever they are and place them in this world you've created!

Overall, this was a good addition to the story, and I learn about new characters, and more about the characters we were previously introduced to. I also thought this was an improvement from last time, so well done! My main critique is not to rush anything, and make sure everything you're writing makes sense. Also remember that with novels, generally something big needs to happen to continue the story and make the reader want to read more, but right now I don't really feel that happening. Anyways, hope this review helped, PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review.

Just keep writing!
-Arc x

I hate details. 'Nuff said.

User avatar
manisha
Review
manisha wrote a review Review · Jul 28, 2013

Hey there!
Happy Review Day!

I read part one and there you said this wasn't a fan fiction of Percy Jackson. But I find so much similarity. not only in the characters but also in the style of writing. The recorder reminds me of Kane Chronicles, and it is by the same writer.

Note to the reader: I had received a package a few days earlier... It was covered in ancient greek runes. It had burns and claw marks on it... and inside was an audio recorder. There was also a note. To whom it may concern: We choose you to write down our fates, as because you would only believe us. I have concluded that the people that gave this to me want information out...Or to warn us. The decision is yours.

For me the start is a very important part of the story. It must he great to pull in the reader. This isn't a start I would favor. There is nothing wrong in, of course, its just not a great beginning.

Yeah keep on calling me stupid, it doesn't anything./quote]
It doesn't say anything.

A girl with white hair comes and meets-no, to nice- confronts us.

to nice must be too nice.

We walk to-whatever where they were going.

whatever where works better as wherever.

The others walk up, looking at me like I was a freak, which eventually they would.

This made no sense to me.
" You slept the whole entire day."

Replace whole entire with only entire.

Wasn't the mother with her? You seemed to have forgotten her throughout the story after the hellhound.

There are some punctuations errors you should take a look at. Nothing a reread cannot correct.

Overall, it was a good read.

Hope I helped.
-manisha

User avatar
deleted17
Comment
deleted17 commented Comment · Jul 23, 2013

I'm sorry to inform those who want to read the rest, but I've decided to discontinue this story... It's simply too hard to get points! From now on I will post the next chapters of this on my blog, seeing as I can't get enough points from reviewing other works. Just click on my name and go to my blog... not right now though, I haven't posted anything knew.
With All Do Respect
Wholesomereader



"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss