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Pan's Story. Forgotten Daughters Book.

by deleted17


When you're seven, you usually had done a lot of things. Learn to ride your bike. Learn some more about math. For me? I met a goddess. Nothing to celebrate. What? Why are you staring at me like that. [ OW! I know, geez, just trying to have a conservation..] Sorry I just got kicked by-well you'll meet them later... Any way I need to back track a little bit. HHMM... [Don't you dare kick me!] It was a normal day, or normal for me any way. I saw people come out of streams and trees. Bloody TREES! Do you know how confused I was? My life sucked [OW! WHAT DID I SAY EARLIER?] Right, I was home from school and, finding my mom taking a booze snooze, was outside. Going to my favorite house. Nobody lived there, but I loved it nonetheless. The backyard was overgrown, but today I found it filled with different flowers, fruits and herbs. I stared at it in wonder. Who did this? I thought. Millions of others followed. I placed my hands on the fence, finding it had new wood and coat of paint? creak. I jumped at the sound of the back door opening. I turn to see a young woman leaving her house with couple of books under her arms. "Why hello dear. Do you like my garden?" She gestures with her free arm. I nod. She smiles. She's really pretty. Is my first though about her. But it was true. She had warm brown eyes and a natural tan. She wore a white dress with a necklace.

" Would you like to come in?" I jumped when she said that. I was looking at her books. The Great Gatsby, To Kill A Mockingbird and... The Iliad? The strange thing was they were all classics'

" Um.. No thanks." I replied nervously. " In my garden, not my house!" She laughed. It was the type of laugh that made everything all right. I smiled.I shrugged and she unlocked the gate. I held out my hand." I'm Ivy, by the way." She puts her books down and shakes my hand. " I'm Ms. H, It's nice to meet you, Ivy." She says with a sunny smile on her face. Her long black hair is tied in a pony tail. We talk and I tell her about the people coming out of trees and rivers. She tell me about how she grew up with Greek myths. I look at her necklace as she tell the tale of Odysseus.

Why does she have a necklace with a lightning bolt on it?

" I like your necklace," I say after she finishes the story. Ms. H looked down at her necklace surprised that she still had it. " Oh this? This was a gift from my... siblings." I nod, like I understand, which of course I didn't. " It's made out of thunder eggs, so it's really special to me." She says coming out of her thoughts. I shrug. "Why'd they give it to you?" I ask. [ No I don't have ADHD!] She doesn't answer right away " To remind me I guess..." She doesn't look at me in the eye. " Remind you of what?" I ask warily.

" Of my place."

My life only got weirder from then on.

Please note: NO this is NOT a fanfiction book For Percy Jackson. Reviews are welcomed of course, BUT I need some help with writing so go ahead and hate on me, it's just creative critism. I do like Percy Jackson and stuff but there were some flaws that I couldn't deal. There is a camp, Hunters and monsters, but things will change as we progress....


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189 Reviews


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Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:22 pm
manisha wrote a review...



Hey there Reader!


I'm a fan of Greek mythology so I really liked this.

Its a well detailed piece which is written very well, however I find your first paragraph a bit odd. Its confusing and doesn't very well pull in the reader. This has nothing to do with the content. The content is good, but it is in the way it is put.

When you're seven, you haveusually had done a lot of things. Learn to ride your bike, learn some more about math. For me? I met a goddess. Nothing to celebrate. What? Why are you staring at me like that. [ OW! I know, geez, just trying to have a conservation..] Sorry I just got kicked by-well, you'll meet them later... Any wayAnyway I need to back track a little bit. HHMMHmmm... [Don't you dare kick me!] It was a normal day, or normal for me any way. I saw people come out of streams and trees. Bloody TREES! Do you know how confused I was? My life sucked (What is the significance of this sentence? It looks out of place)[OW! WHAT DID I SAY EARLIER?] Right, I was home from school and, findingfound my mom taking a booze snooze, was outside. Going to my favorite houseYou seem to have shifted from the tense you were following before. Maybe you could put it as - I made my way to my favorite house. Nobody lived there, but I loved it nonetheless. The backyard was overgrown, but today I found it filled with different flowers, fruits and herbs. I stared at it in wonder. Who did this? I thought. Millions of others followed. I placed my hands on the fence, finding it had new wood and coat of paint?. Creak. I jumped at the sound of the back door opening. I turn to see a young woman leaving her house with couple of books under her arms. "Why hello, dear. Do you like my garden?" She gestures with her free arm. I nod. She smiles. She's really pretty. Is my first though about her. But it was true. She had warm brown eyes and a natural tan. She wore a white dress with a necklace.


The later part of the story is interesting, with the necklace and all. I see a lot of potential in your writing.
Word of advice- Stick to one tense.

Hope I helped.

-manisha :)




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Mon Jul 22, 2013 11:01 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya wholesome! Here to review~

So what I liked about this was the idea behind it. I admit, I can't really see the mythological elements coming through, but I'm sure I'll see them in the next parts. I like the idea of the narrator talking directly to someone (there are a few issues with that, I'll mention them later), and you've used some good descriptions, so well done!

For improvements, I'll start with the thing about talking directly to the reader. I think this is a cool technique however when it's used in this I feel it slows down the story a bit and distracts from what is actually going on. I think it's important with these sorts of things that they need to be executed properly. Firstly, I don't think you need the stage direction type brackets, and the over-use of capital letters got very distracting. Also, I didn't quite understand why he was constantly saying 'ow', I think you should either get rid of that part or just explain it a bit more. I think that after the first seven lines it starts improving with this and becomes more like a story rather than the MC talking directly to someone. So, it's really up to you whether you want to keep this or not. I personally think it's a bit of a distraction from the actual story, but if it's done well then who's to say you can't use it!

Also, I got a bit confused, because it says that nobody lives in the house then all of a sudden the woman just pops out? How did he not notice this before? You do explain the flowers and the fact there's a lot of nature, so is that what draws him to the house? And yeah, if he didn't know all this time that she lived there, I'd expect more than a jump on his behalf when he finds out there's a woman who lives there. Maybe also you could describe her beauty in a bit more detail. To me it seems she's going to be an important part of this story, I could be wrong there, but if she is I'd like to see more of a description of her. Although, what you have so far is pretty good too.

Often I found that you kept on switching from past to present tense. I'm assuming that you want this piece to be in the past tense because that's what it starts off with. If so, remember that most past-tense verbs will end in 'ed' and not 's'. If you feel you're having particular trouble with tenses, please PM me and I'd be happy to help! :)

Lastly, a few nitpicks I spotted:

When you're seven, you usually had done a lot of things.

I think this should be When you're seven, you've usually done a lot of things.

Any way I need to back track a little bit.

Here, 'anyway' is one word.

Right, I was home from school and, finding my mom taking a booze snooze, was outside.

This sentence was a bit confusing for, was it the mother that was outside?

Overall, this was an intriguing story and it leaves me wanting to read more. I'm not a huge fan of mythology, however I quite liked this. Some issues I found was the first paragraph and the whole using parenthesis' got a bit distracting from the whole story, and sometimes I found this weren't properly explained. Hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.

Keep writing!
-Arc x




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Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:56 pm
deleted17 says...



Jombo!
I have a character that is going to be in this book, and plays a major part in this. She is a child of Aries, but I don't know what to call her. Please please please please help. This is important.




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Fri Jul 19, 2013 2:07 pm
PatrickGibb wrote a review...



This story has the chance to be great.
It is intriguing, and as a fan of mythology, want to see what the outcomes of this meeting is.
However, the writing is very cramped so it is quite easy to get lost or confused, especially if this is meant to be for a younger audience.
Also, the tense jumps randomly from past to present randomly.
'I held out my hand' is in past tense.
'She puts her books down and shakes my hand' is in present tense, the correct way of saying it would be 'She put her books down and shook my hand'.
Other than that, as a fan of Percy Jackson myself, I would like tor read more, inform me if you want me to review it also.




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Thu Jul 18, 2013 1:28 am
KatyyMayy says...



I really like the idea of this story! Its alittle short, but I can't wait for a update. I questioned the begenging with it being so squashed up together. Anyways, over all it was very interesting




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Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:03 pm
ShadowHunter wrote a review...



I really like the Greek myths, so the fact that you chose to do an non-Percy Jackson story really made me happy. I found it interesting that you started out at the end of your story and moved on to there, adding in a few conversation notes from someone your talking to, I'm just worried that it feels a bit Rick Riordan-ish, and that is why you have to put the note at the bottom. If you distinguish your own writing style throughout the story, then i think that the need for the note at the bottom will disappear. The only other problem I had with it was the length of the chapter, if you could make it just a tad bit longer that would be fantastic. Readers need time to sink into your story, and it's hard to do that with such a short chapter. I think this story has great potential and I can't wait to read more.






I know that the chapter was a bit short, but the next one is already a work in progress.( I just need more points!) Could you do a favor and tell your friends about this? I want more opinions on this particular work.




Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)