River rushed forward, his jacket billowing in the wind. Today was the day they would tell him everything. All would be clear. This thought kept him moving forward against the wind, and the negative thought that came to his mind. River climbed over the last ridge and arrived at the springs. The hot, bubbling water told him the spirits were awake and ready to share what they knew. He knelt down to the smallest one and stated simply,
"I am here."
The hot spring bubbled more prominently for a moment and whispered in the language of their kind,
"Tell us who you are."
River sighed. He went through this every time. But not willing to take any chances by insulting the spirits, he whispered,
"River Bide, Elemental, age 35."
Immediately, the spring whispered back,
"Which element do you posses?"
"Water. I can talk to you can't I?"
"Yes, but there have been others. You may go."
River got up and headed now towards the largest spring, which still wasn't very big, and again knelt down. He was holding in his excitement quite well as he said solemnly to the spring,
"You can tell me now."
The spring bubbled furiously for a moment, seemingly angry, then calmed down and whispered in a smooth tone,
"It is not your time yet."
"What?" sputtered River "You said yourself, in twelve years we will tell you what we know."
"That does not account for everything."
"What you know is everything." River tried to reason
"That may be true, but what we know and what you must know are two different things."
It took all of River's willpower not to say that he must know, he deserved to know, for he knew that would not win him any favors. This was a strategic game. Risky, if you didn't play it right.
"So," said River, balling up his fists "what you're trying to tell me is that I've spent twelve years waiting for knowledge you won't give to me?"
"Knowledge is not everything, young one."
"I don't care what knowledge is!" growled River, furious now "All I want to know is what the prophecy meant and who my son has become!"
"You must wait, River. Everything comes with time."
"I've done my waiting, spirit." spat River "You cant expect me to forgive you for lying to me."
Remember the prophecy. You are part of it now. And you will carry the burden no one else would. Respect us in the future, River Bide"
River turned white, and his mouth opened and closed without him uttering a sound. He turned on his heel and walked back in the direction he had come. He was upset. With the spirits and with himself. But despite what had just happened, he wore a half smile in the fading sunlight. He knew now the knowledge he had come for.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
I love the elemtns
And also the way you have incorporate them in to your story here.
This is a very cool idea and thihk it will make for ane xcellent novel if you take the time to develop it.
It's a shame that so far you have only written the prologue, cos I would definitely like to see mor eof this work.
Hey Cheetah,
First off excellent work with pacing. The way you mete out details is driving, I literally could read fast enough and execution was flawless so I was to go through it very quickly. I feel the sense of burning curiosity in River Biles. It's infectious in this passage and it leaves the reader wanting to know more. The only criticism I have is that in this small piece it would be nice know a little more about the world, spirits, elements, and elementals etc. If we're to relate to your world we have to see how it differs from our own. I really hope that this isn't the end as you have a very good opening here for something amazing. I would love to go over the story with you if this is mean to be a longer work in the future.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Best Regards
Thanks Meddle!
Wow, that was really interesting and easy to follow. I felt like its simplicity and smooth flow really kept me connected. I love the dialogue and the thoughts of the character. I wouldn't give any corrections on any major things. The only thing I caught was right at the end here,
"You cant expect me to forgive you for lying to me." Can't*
Remember the prophecy. You are part of it now. And you will carry the burden no one else would. Respect us in the future, River Biles" There should be a set of quotation marks at the beginning, it was pretty confusing until I realized that that was missing.
Other than that, I really liked it and I will for sure read any follow ups on this you might have!!
Thanks so much!
Hi there
Here to review your work for Review Day. I'm also writing a novel based on Elemental's so I'm always interested in reading another persons take on the subject! I will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense to both me and you. I tend to ramble on a bit otherwise.
oo - I already like that you made it so the Element's can communicate with their subjects. This is different and something that I haven't come across before.
I also really like the name River Bide - I'm a little obsessed with getting the names of my characters just right and I approve of yours
The only part that I become confused with is where you write, "“This was a strategic game. Risky, if you didn't play it right.” - yet River then goes on to lose his temper and will power pretty quickly after this statement. Maybe you could have stretched this particular strategic plan of his out a little longer before he loses it?
I really like your concept. It's really different and had me interested from the start. I would have like a little more clarity in terms of why River was so happy with the information he received. I know there's merit in having a little mystery in your prologue but you've left me completely out of the loop here! I need a little hint as to what on earth is going on inside River's head.
Good luck! I hope this helped. Feel free to check out my Elemental story and also swing by @SushiSashimi333 who also likes to dabble in all things Elemental.
Olive <3
Hmm... This seems like a story in the making--a rough draft.
You do quite well explaining the emotions of River, but you need to work on the description of the setting. We have no idea where he is. A forest? A field? A jungle?
Also, the spirits: what are they? Everybody has their own idea of what spirits are, how their made, what they look like... you need to explain your idea about them. Are they like ghosts? Are they visible at all? Details can really help!
Also, the ending was confusing: why is he smiling? The river seemed to have turned him away, and told him he didn't need to know the prophecy. Yet, you say he knows the knowledge. How did that happen?
It's a good idea. If you edit it and reread it a few time, I think it'll turn into a really great story!
Good writing,
Sylvia.
I think this story has an interesting premise, but lacks on description. I want to be able to picture the springs. Is there greenery around them or is it just solid rock? Can he see the spirits, and if so, what do they look like? I also don't know anything about River other than his name and age and that he has a son. I'd like for you to describe some more of his feelings and thoughts. Also,why was he satisfied with the information? I get that the water spirits could have dropped a hint or said something that clued him in to what he needed to know, but it'd be nice if he'd mention why he's happy again at the end. If the anger was faked, tell us that! Cryptic isn't cool.
This was very good, and very well written. The only thing that I don't understand is why he was smiling at the end...he didn't seem to get what he was looking for. So that part didn't make any sense to me. Also is his name "Bide"? Or "Biles"? Because he said his name in the beginning to be Bide, then the Spirits called him Biles. So that part was also confusing. But other than that you did an amazing job. And I would love to see more of this!
Okay....
This was pretty interesting, though I don't know if it makes entire sense.
He's mad, but satisfied with the info he got.. I don't see that making sense.
The word Biles is sort of similar to bile. Maybe change that? River Wash or something more...
Anyways, I don't see any spelling, grammar errors, so good job there. And we already know he is upset in the end, we don't need to know again, maybe know what he was upset about, but keep it brief. And maybe fix it up some.
It really wants to make you read more..
Thanks,
pegasusgirl2
Jumbo!
I'm here to say that, you did a good job writing this, that I got so involved that I almost didn't notice one mistake, which you could fix very easily, I think. I think you made the character very sly and that says a lot about him either way... especially the last sentence. I liked it I hope to see more in the future.
With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader
Hey Cheetah,
Wow. You sooooo got my interest in this story. Okay, before I give tips or negative comments I want to say great job! I loved it! Alright, so story wise I didn't notice any huge mistakes. I think the story flowed wonderfully, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Also, there were a few mistakes, little nit-picky things that arianaSarroyo mentioned. Thanks for writing such an interesting tale! Good luck with the story, and keep writing!
-FCS
This story was very interesting, and I want to read more of it. You are a very good writer, however I spotted some mistakes, not a lot. "..you cant expect..." that sentence caught my eye because there needs to be an apostrophe. Anyways, that's all I've noticed, you're story is very good, and I look forward to reading more of your story.
I really enjoyed this! It reminded me of a story my sister told me she was working on. I do have a few errors to correct, but that's it. So, here goes: first off, I don't quite get what you mean by "negative thought". I would clarify that a bit. There's also a slight inconsistency in your character's name. He starts out as River Bide, but in the end is called River Biles. I would suggest you stick with Bide, because bile is a real thing, which Wikipedia describes here:
"Bile or gall is a bitter-tasting, dark green to yellowish brown fluid, produced by the liver of most vertebrates, that aids the digestion of lipids in the small intestine. In many species, bile is stored in the gallbladder and, when the organism eats, is discharged into the duodenum. Bile is 85% water, 10% bile salts, 3% mucus and pigments, 1% fats, and 0.7% inorganic salts." I would like to add that bile is also discharged with vomit. Also, you are missing periods and/or commas in paragraphs five, fifteen, seventeen, twenty, twenty-two, twenty-four, and twenty-five. other than that, good job and keep writing!
Thanks for the graphic description- I think I'll stay with Bide.
Overall this was good but there were a few minor errors.
"River tried to reason" (Where is the punctuation?)
"So," said River, balling up his fists "what you're trying to tell me is that I've spent twelve years waiting for knowledge you won't give to me?"
There should be a comma or otherwise indicator of a pause.
"I don't care what knowledge is!" growled River, furious now "All I want to know is what the prophecy meant and who my son has become!"
I think it would sound cleaner if you said,
"I don't care what knowledge is!" growled River, NOW furious,
"All I want to know is what the prophecy meant and who my son has become!"
Also, when you say "I've done my waiting spirit", who is spirit? Is spirit a spirit or a person? If it is a person, then it should be capitalized.
Other than that, I think this was well written. You used a variety of vocabulary and managed to brew some suspense.