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Undisclosed

by Rainn


(I took some advice and edited this)

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Arduous, broken soul.

Arduous, pleasant smile.

Hold fast between bouts of the addled mind.

Keep strong as the deriding comes.


Peerless, flowing words.

Peerless, lambent eyes.

Do not show them your darkness.

Don't give them abhorrence.


Broken, beat-up heart.

Broken, callous mind.

Hide in the crack of the pleasantries.

Stay beneath the artificial benevolence.


You, who are real.

 


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532 Reviews


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Fri Jul 05, 2013 5:52 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi Rain! Here to review as requested, sorry for the delay.

Right, I'm going to get straight onto the things I liked about this poem. I quite liked the simplicity of it- that mainly coming from the length and the structure. Usually I think four lines in a stanza is a bit boring, but I think here it was super effective and really works with this poem. I especially likes the last line, it really stands out- not just because it's on it's own- but it just looks really cool!

Now, I have a couple of things I'd like to pick up on as improvements. Firstly, I wasn't too fond of the language use. This may be partially due to the fact that my vocabulary is absolutely shocking and I had to look up some of these words (whoops), but I think it was all just a bit too much! I think it's fab that you've got this really good vocabulary, but it almost seems you've just used a thesaurus loads. Not saying you did, but to me this is what it seems.

Instead, I'd like to see some more descriptions as some of the other reviewers have mentioned. Imagery is key for this kind of poetry- and I think it would really suit your poem. You do have some already, which is great- but I think right now it's half there but not fully there. As in, I can see some stuff, but not quite everything- so going into a bit more detail would be great!

Overall, this was pretty good :). In all honesty, it was quite hard to say what could be better, but the thing's I mentioned were the things that I noticed- it'll be different for everyone. Your message was really cool, but I'd like to see some more imagery. I hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.

Keep writing!
-Arc x




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Wed Jul 03, 2013 1:38 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hey Rainn! Black here for your requested review!

Okay, so first thing's first, I really liked the poem. And you know what? For once in a very long time I was finally able to find your theme. And I liked what I found . . . you did a good job with it. I have a few fixes for you, and a suggestion on how you should present the theme, but your flow and wording are both really nice and vivid!

So, let's just start with those fixes. I'll be giving you an example problem, then I'll fix it for you, then I'll wind up this section by trying to explain to you exactly what was wrong and give you a prescription for solving it in your style!

Managable, broken soul.


Okay, now though I really do love these short, super-emotional sentences, you spell 'managable' 'manageable' . . .

Managable, pleasent smile.


If thought of properly your repeating of words like you're doing here has a great effect . . . however 'pleasent' isn't a word. 'Pleasant' is.

Do not show them your darkness.
Don't  give them abhorrence.


Lovely work with these lines. Your use of 'don't' instead of 'do not' in the second line shows a lot of great variance!

Broken, beat-up heart.


Read your poetry aloud to yourself before you post it! Proof-read! 'beat-up' would sound SOOOO much better as 'beaten'.

Hide in the crack of the pleasentries.
Stay beneath the artifical benevolence.


Though this isn't the exact type someone like me 'who is real' would do, 'pleasantries', like 'pleasant' is spelled with an 'a' not an 'e'. Also 'artificial' is a word, 'artifical' is not.

Overall I think you did a great job with your wording and grammar! My only advise to you is that you try to sit down and proof-read your work before you post it. When you write, use a grammar/ spell checker. Those two things combined should be all you need to solve your spelling problem! Now for my advise on presentation!

Read this poem to yourself. It's well written and shows your point really well. However it's very abstract . . . I advise you to try to deal with it on a more personal level. Maybe telling a story? An example. Personally I'd use a short story, but you're doing VERY well using a poem! Remember: This is just a suggestion! Ignore if you wish!

Okay, so, yeah, nice work! I love your theme, I enjoyed the way you showed it, I advise you to get a spell/ grammar checker, I advise you to read aloud, I advise you to present more personally, and I really hope you write more! Yeah that's it! So! Remember the golden rule: KEEP WRITING! You WILL improve if you do! I guarantee it!

(Want another review . . . want to follow up on this one? PM me!).


~Black~




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Mon Jul 01, 2013 12:35 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, Rainn. Sorry you had to wait all review-day long to post this. I'm glad you happened upon inspiration, though. It's not always at hand, right?

So, I like the repetition here, because you have perfect rhythm paired with it. And it doesn't get to be too much because it's just repeated twice and then changed to a different word in the next stanza. So it doesn't get overbearing.

I also like the meaning of this poem. I like that you deal with the mask we present to society. I like that you mention the pleasant smile and flowing words, but I ESPECIALLY LOVE the fact that you affirm this character as being REAL. When poems deal with this topic, they often focus on the fakeness. "You who are fake." would probably end their poems. But you give validity to the person behind these actions and habits, and I think this poem is valuable just because of that last line!

What I'd like to see more of is imagery. Some vivid imagery would bring this poem alive and into a physical world that we can relate to better. Right now, everything's airy and kind of vague. We see a face with only a smile and it fades back into the general background really quickly when it's not pinned to skin or teeth or cheeks or anything real and textural we can imagine.

Now, please be careful of your spelling. There are a couple of very glaring misspelled words that jolt me out of experiencing the poem, so I can't be on your side. Note: shining and pleasantries.

And that's about all I have for you for now!
Please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Good luck and keep writing!




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Mon Jul 01, 2013 12:33 am
Audy wrote a review...



Hey Rainn,

This is a simple, little poem. When I think of undisclosed, I think of a speaker who is shut into himself/herself, so someone who is guarded and trying to refrain from letting secrets out. I am not too much of a fan of the repetition in some of the words: simple, perfect, broken, etc. but I do appreciate how you are experimenting with form and trying different things out, apart from the tired rhyme schemes, which probably wouldn't have worked so well for this piece. I think I do like the tone of the piece, it does have a dark nature and lend itself to a broken/sort of guarded type speaker, as there's not much here that is being said and we don't really get much.

Whether all of that was intentional or not, I don't really find this poem as interesting as it perhaps could be. Now, don't get me wrong -- I love the concept of this, and I think it can be a really interesting idea. But part of poetry is all about trying to find the best words and put them in the best order, and I think more vivid, more interesting words could have been chosen than a lot of these adjectives that are used. Try for vivid nouns and verbs instead!

I would also suggest implementing sensory imagery and steering away from cliche imagery. There are millions upon millions of poems that use the same words like broken, pleasant, shining, etc. and how is this poem going to be able to distinguish itself from those thousands of other poems? What makes what you have to say unique and original and worth reading?

See about revising this and trying to paint a scene or a picture, and let me know how that goes. I'm more than happy to chat this one up with you. I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

I hope this helps.





The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
— Charlotte Bronte