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Shadow of The Shadow

by Rurouni


He stands in a nice grassy clearing,
those large wings unfolded,
his black hair down as it twirls in the wind.

He looks down at his shadow,
the shadow of The Shadow.

The shadow of a hero.

A hero never ment to be.

With sorrows and memories.
Raw lust and power,
the scars upon his body never to leave.

His immortal life he must lead everyday.
The never ending nightmares that crash in his head at night.

A wife to love.
A child as well.
A dead child also.
An older brother to care for him.
An old love to support him.
A dead friend to haunt him.

He sighs patiently,
his wings twitching,
his breath hardening,
his eyes widening.

His wings pumping,
his mind racing,
the sound of lifting.

And upon the ground, you race against his shadow.
Upon a black horse you race him.
He smiles down at you, swooping close,
your horse scares, and runs faster challenging The Shadow.
He laughs at you, speeding ahead.

Later you and the Shadow relax.
Eating grass in a meadow,
the sweet grass of Rubi.
The edible grass.
That everyone and thing can eat.

The Shadow talks to you.
Shares his sorrows to you.

You then understand Shadow.
And his name is nothing but a game.

You look at his shadow, the shadow of Shadow, The Shadow.
You sing him to sleep.
You rest your head upon his chest.

Watching his
shadow
the shadow
of
Shadow
The Shadow


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Mon Jul 22, 2013 10:39 am
Lyconius wrote a review...



What a beautiful poem! I enjoyed the shortness along with the elegance of the descriptive words. The re-use of the word Shadow added a bit of a rhythm bump in there that was quite nice. The mental imagery in this is excellent as well. I must say I am thouroughly impressed. Excellent job and I hope to be reading more of your work soon so please, Keep posting! Hopefully you will stop by and read some of my work (when I get to it) and enjoy it as well! Happy Writing!!!!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:06 am
hockeyfan87 wrote a review...



A hero never ment(meant) to be.

With sorrows and memories.
Raw lust and power,(maybe add commas between them, I don't know)


That everyone and thing can eat.(may sound better as That everyone and everything can eat?)


And his name is nothing but a game. (maybe change and to that?)

Overall: I really liked this it was well written and although Fantasy isn't usually my thing I did enjoy it! Good job and keep writing! :)
-Hockeyfan87/Jenn




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:52 am
Epicdonkalous wrote a review...



Hey there!

Well, I like that you wrote a poem on your character - it helps development. I'll be completely honest and say I didn't even finish this, so maybe I don't deserve to review it? It just didn't keep my attention, and seemed....basic, no real depth. But I shall try to finish it while reviewing parts out of respect for you! Now, the opening line " He stands in a nice grassy clearing", doesn't do too much for me. Using the adjective "nice" doesn't add to the visual of the clearing, as it doesn't really explain what is considered "nice", or why it was "nice", just that it was. More telling over showing, that was. "those large wings unfolded,
his black hair down as it twirls in the wind." I guess this was okay, I mean it gave me an image, not necessarily a very vivid one, as it's lacking in adjectives and specifics. What kind of wings? What did they look like? "He looks down at his shadow,
the shadow of The Shadow." Um... okay? I'm not quite sure what you were aiming for here, you merely stated what his was doing, again, telling over showing. How was he looking at it? Was it a glance or a glare or was he smirking ? The next two stanzas are alright.
"A wife to love.
A child as well.
A dead child also.
An older brother to care for him.
An old love to support him.
A dead friend to haunt him."

I actually liked how you listed this. Although, the two lines about a child don't flow very well, as your use of "as well" followed by "also" seemed slightly forced. I'm also curious as to why his love is supporting him while he has a wife. Now, I /loved/ the last line, and I would like to see some elaboration on the matter.

"his breath hardening," hm. This just doesn't fit right.

"And upon the ground, you race against his shadow.
Upon a black horse you race him.
He smiles down at you, swooping close,
your horse scares, and runs faster challenging The Shadow.
He laughs at you, speeding ahead.
"
Again, telling over showing. I wouldn't use "upon" right after using it once, you could possibly combine those two lines. What's his smile look like? Is it a smirk, is it mean ? Why was the horse scared?

"Later you and the Shadow relax.
Eating grass in a meadow,
the sweet grass of Rubi.
The edible grass.
That everyone and thing can eat."

To me, calling him "The Shadow" seems a bit awkward, as you've yet to address /why/ he's referred to as that. You then repeat the exact thing four times; no need for redundancy.

"The Shadow talks to you.
Shares his sorrows to you.

You then understand Shadow.
And his name is nothing but a game.

You look at his shadow, the shadow of Shadow, The Shadow.
You sing him to sleep.
You rest your head upon his chest.

Watching his
shadow
the shadow
of
Shadow
The Shadow"

What are his sorrows? What is the point of "the shadow of the shadow?" Why is his name a game? I feel the last stanza serves no purpose.

Overall, I do really like the concept, but you should work on showing over telling!

~Epic




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:44 am
Dhendon wrote a review...



Wow. Let me start with the fact that this was very interesting. It definitely had an intriguing aspect to it, so that's very good.

I like that you had a personal connection to this poem, as written in your summary of the poem. This is your favorite character, so you clearly understand what you are writing about, and you have successfully transferred that knowledge to the reader.

I feel that the reuse of the word shadow throughout the entire poem was an excellent thing, and I liked how that was also an overlap between the name of the character and the word itself. I enjoy the way this was written, and I have no major complaints. I see this being very productive, and I am excited to read more of your literary writings.

Good job, and keep going. You've gained one more follower!




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35 Reviews


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:44 am
Dhendon says...



Oops... Didn't mean to submit this one... Sorry...




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:36 am
Hannah wrote a review...



haha, oh my gosh, there are a lot of Shadows in this poem, aren't there?

So, I am really intrigued by this idea of taking what is supposed to be a strong and heroic figure and painting him as someone who needs help at support. You mention his power, but you show none of it to us. I mean, we see scars, but we don't know any of the specifics about his battles, so we can't even imagine them and see him in a fighting stance. All we see of him is resting in grass and thinking of family. It's really an odd presentation, and I don't know if it's quite right yet, for me.

Firstly, I'd suggest you look at this poem and pick out the three most important stanzas that you wouldn't want to lose no matter what changes you made. Go ahead. Rank them in terms of what you think is important. It'd just be an exercise. Then I'd make the poem of only those three stanzas, and work carefully to repair the damage that is done by taking the excess away. It might not be as much as you think, and you could end up with a shorter, more vivid and punchy poem.

If I were doing this on the poem, I'd pick these stanzas:

1.

He looks down at his shadow,
the shadow of The Shadow.

2.
3.
Later you and the Shadow relax.
Eating grass in a meadow,
the sweet grass of Rubi.
The edible grass.
That everyone and thing can eat.


Haha, you might have noticed I left the second one blank. What I'd want there would be a description of one of his battles, or a show of his strength. Not just scars, which are there even when he's at rest, but a SHOW in ACTION of what he can do, or what he could do. The race on the horses almost fulfills that want, but the poem describes the participants as smiling and laughing, which makes me picture a jolly jaunt across the lovely meadows, not an exhilarating race of skill.

I hope this review is helpful to you. I know he's your own character, and you're probably thinking a lot about his soft side. Maybe you never let any of this out before, and he's really tough and manly in your piece! I don't know! But if you have any questions or comments about this review, please feel free to PM me.

And keep writing!





Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour