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Being "That Kid": How NOT to be a Massive D-Bag

by DannieInkblotHanson

NOTE: I forgot to mention I wrote this in class when I was mad at that kid. If I sound insensitive please know that it's just an irritated teenage girl being an irritated teenage girl. Please don't take it too seriously, it's mostly for humor's sake. Thank you!

Being "That Kid": A Guide on How NOT to be a Massive Douchebag

I present to you, sir, a guide I ask, no, beg you to study. Please. Do it for all that is good in this world. With close examination and following, these words should serve as a preventative measure, or in your case, a cure, for those few that everyone else in society knows as "those annoying douchebag kids." I thank you for your consideration, and I hope for your sake that your present case of Chronic Douchebaggery clears up soon. I do pray for your family. They must struggle.
1. Take your sunglasses off.
Seriously. You are indoors. It isn't that bright, I promise you. Your eyes will be fine, and if you really do have a medical condition by which your eyeballs will burst to flame if exposed to any light, please wear a sign declaring it, because if you don't everyone will refer to the neon one above your head reading "I am a douche; roll your eyes and carry on."
2. Nobody cares that you can play guitar.
It's the easiest instrument seconded only by the kazoo. Put it away. Nobody else brings their instrument to school and certainly nobody takes it out and plays it during class. It isn't as impressive as you think, most of the people in this class play it, too. And if you don't believe me I shall urge all of the band kids to bring their instruments to class and we'll see how well you put up with it. Last time I checked, nobody asked to hear the chords of "Hey, Soul Sister" for 54 minutes. Nobody else shoves their talent in YOUR face, do they? As if you can call playing a repeated G chord a talent...
3. As much as we want to hear about how great you are...
You can stop. Conversations usually have multiple sides, and not all of those sides have a stamp with your name on it. Please, for the sake of my bleeding ears, shut up. I think we all get the concept of how fantastic you are.
4. Don't do that and then get mad when I laugh.
You're wearing your hat backwards and shielding your eyes from the sun and complaining about how bright it is. I'm going to start video taping this.
7. It IS socially acceptable to NOT swear.
Profanity isn't a requirement. Not even in a high school. I sincerely doubt you even know what half those words mean, as you aren't technically using them correctly. And having a grandpa in the navy doesn't actually give you the right to swear in front of the entire period; I actually can't believe you said that out loud. That was so stupid that everyone who heard it is now stupider for having heard it.
8. Don't diss the smart kids.
Dude, she's doing eight college classes this summer. You have never gotten an A in your life. Do you know how to apply logic to this situation? Or you could stop being a bully in general. I'm beginning to give up.
By following these simple steps, you will find yourself on the path to being a socially acceptable human. I'm sure there are plenty of other steps you could take, but I find myself getting depressed with the state of humanity by listing them off. There are cases that are hopeless, and if you suspect you are one of them, become a monk. Society won't miss you.
Thank you and best of luck!

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11 Reviews

Points: 259
Reviews: 11

Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:37 pm
tacimaci wrote a review...

Hahahahahaha oh my god, I absolutely adored this. It doesn't apply specifically to the douchebags in my school, but it was very clear. I doubt that anyone could mistake this for a serious, pointed hatred, but there are some people who aren't fluent in sarcasm. I agree, this seems like an American douchebag thing. You may want to expand into a Coasts/US thing, or States, or N/S/E/W thing. I think it'd be interesting to compare a California douchebag (of which I am very experienced in) to a Connecticut or Kentucky douchebag. It seems like an interesting collab.

But back to the story/guide in hand, I agree the "society won't miss you" is a bit harsh, but again, this is a piece meant for you to express your emotions.

Better luck with the next d-bag! :)

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532 Reviews

Points: 27927
Reviews: 532

Sun Jun 30, 2013 9:25 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...

Hiya Dannie, here to review you on this fine review day!

Okay, so this was really clever and rather hilarious really. It did seem very American to me, which I'm not saying is a good or bad thing, but just the style. And me coming from that small island of the united kingdom, didn't quite fully understand everything. However, I thought that this really quick, snappy, and to the point! So well done.

As for improvements, I'd like to mention a few things. Firstly, I didn't really like how harsh it was. It seemed more like a hate to just one person you know, rather than all 'D-bags'. I mean, I think you need to make the message broader. Not all of these kind of people do these things that you have mentioned. Here:

2. Nobody cares that you can play guitar.
It's the easiest instrument seconded only by the kazoo

I'm not quite sure I agree with this, this might be a bit biased because I play guitar too but this I don't think is really true. I totally get where you are coming from, but it could do with maybe being phrased better? I do get where you're coming from though with the whole showing -off thing, so maybe you could talk more about showing off than making it so specific.

There are cases that are hopeless, and if you suspect you are one of them, become a monk. Society won't miss you.

Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Again, it seemed rather harsh, I know that you were probably going for a harsh tone but I think that this is just a bit too much.

Overall, i thought this was quite funny and the type of thing I'd imagine seeing in a teen novel. It was very amusing to read, and I do agree with most of the points up there! I hope this review helped, PM me if you'd ever like another review.

Keep Writing!
-Arc x

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1315 Reviews

Points: 23536
Reviews: 1315

Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:44 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Oh, Dannie. The fire in this piece is very, very, very clear. I like that you wrote about something for which you had so much emotion, because it definitely showed up in your sharp sentences!

Now, some things that could use improvement:

a cure, for those few that everyone else in society knows as "those annoying douchebag kids."

This was an odd sentence for me, because it sounded like you said it was a cure for people. Later you kind of name the disease as "chronic douchebaggery" (ugh now I have to wash my mouth out for typing that...), but here the sentence doesn't really make sense.

Unless you are blind. If you are blind I am very sorry.

This was also kind of lame. If you know this kid, then you know he's not blind. And also, telling someone they're very sorry BECAUSE they are blind is really heartless. That's just the situation in which they live, the person that they are, and you're kind of saying you're sorry they're alive. Eep. Avoid that, yeah? Haha

Now, as for the rest of this piece, you really need to consider reorganizing. I'd try to find a way to flow from one point to the other. Because you have such a conversational tone, we want to read right through your diatribe, but when your points jump from one place to the next, your spice dries out and we're left reading a regular ol' list article.

And lastly, hold off on those ellipses. They stand out really badly from the rest of your well-punctuated piece. They make your voice WAY weak, like you weren't confident enough to actually finish your sentence. Commas do just fine if you need them.

So! Please PM me if you have any questions about my review, okay? (:
I'd love to see a reorganized second draft and follow your flow along, so lemme know if you end up posting a second version.
Good luck and keep writing!

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39 Reviews

Points: 1014
Reviews: 39

Sat Jun 29, 2013 5:31 am
Smilykid wrote a review...

Haha! This is hilarious, mostly because it's true! If you go to high school you find these people ALL the time. They are absolutely obnoxious and no one wants to be around them. I see you have found a great way to vent your frustration and I commend you for it. Honestly, I feel no need to critique this or tell you to change anything because I think this should just be taken for what it is. Funny. Excellent job!

I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
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