Young Writers Society

Thank you all for reviewing my work! I've spent the past four or five hours trying to polish it up based on what you have said. I think the latest in a long line of iterations is definitely my best. I hope you enjoy reading it, as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Hi there, TheSoundOfRain.

At first, I was thinking that this poem wasn't going to work because I felt that the image of the dragonfly would best be used as a metaphor in a larger poem-- but it worked. I liked that you took it and made it a whole poem, and gave it meaning at the end.

There are a few things that I'd like to address in this poem.
The first thing I'd like to talk about is the rhythm. It's very choppy. I didn't feel like I was reading a whole poem, but bits and pieces that came together to make a rather chunky stew.
It would help if you used less fragments in the beginning (fragments have their place in poetry, but not near the beginning or the end). Also, you start the last two stanzas with "and," which you shouldn't do (except in special circumstances). If you use longer sentences with more free modifiers, you could create a more seamless poem. Try to connect everything.

Another thing that you might try is to condense the poem. Instead of keeping a narrative, like you're doing right now, you might push all the images together to create a denser poem.

the knives that cut,
the belts that spun

The wild press fell silent, and
all eyes upturned,

Hello TheSoundOfRain! ‘Tis the Yubster here for a review.
I’ll have to say, I was expecting something a bit more cliché, like a dragonfly humming through the grass. I was not expecting this, but it was a great surprise.
This poem just seems natural. It starts at the beginning of the story, explaining what the dragonfly looks like and moving on to what it does, finishing with what everyone’s reaction was. This gave it an airy, dreamy, and wistful characteristic.
I love your brief use of punctuation in this poem. It adds just the right amount of originality to the poem. I especially love what you did between the first and second stanza’s, ending the first with a period, but seemingly continuing the sentence in the second.
“with emerald scales, and
amber eyes.


Darted deep into
the smoky depths,”

The way you aligned the poem at the end gave a feeling of wishful thinking, exactly what it needed.

“and vanished--
out of sight.


And when he did
their work resumed


And every worker
that caught the eye
of the graceful dragon-fly
dreamt, that day
of having


wings.”

I enjoyed the third stanza because of the way you worded it. It has a sense that multiple things are happening and it’s a busy place to be standing and there are a lot of moving parts on the machinery.
“He skimmed above the
oiled steel,
the knives that cut,
the belts that spun”

Congratulations on writing a beautiful original work of art! Keep Writing!
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21

Oh, this is lovely. I bet if I were you and I saw that dragonfly get inside among those big machines, I'd want to write poetry about it, too. I love that you're taking moments from your life and framing them for us, because that's what is really great about writing: we get to live your life for just a little bit, something we can't do in reality.

Now, the first thing I would suggest looking at to change would be the rhythm. You have to be very careful about it, because otherwise it gets messy and doesn't work at all. For example, the first stanza does a pretty good example of keeping on it. I wonder why you chose to put the and on the upper line instead of down with the lower one, but it doesn't really mess up the flow too much. I keep reading. This stanza, however:

Through blades
that cut the
holes into what
seemed
infinity.

Hey Sound of Rain,

I love your concept and subject matter in this. As a kid, I was always inspired by dragonflies, but also terribly feared them xD This is really cute though -- I see it as a story about a dragon fly passing by men with lawn mowers(?), and the men sort of wishing they were able to fly away from the hard labor.

I like how the dragon fly is lifted to the status of symbol. Through the narration and the speaker's tone as well, there's an element of the dragon fly being revered, symbolized as freedom/whatnot. So, all of these elements -- crisp and also gives us enough space to think and mull it over, on that aspect this piece was well done.

I would say that one thing to improve on is your usage of words. Someone once said poetry is about using the best words in the best order, and I think a few of the words used are sort of throwaways here. So that whole phrase in the second stanza: "...into what seemed infinity" / also not a fan of fiery majesty either, but at the same time, appreciating the image of a burnt up dragonfly xD There's an element of humor here in tones.

Overall, a very well thought out and crisp poem. I would love to see more from you ^_^

~ as always, Audy

Hey, I think this is a really good poem and I think the subject of this poem is really unique and creative!

So just a few nit-picks; in the third stanza, I think you meant fresher air, not refresher. Also in the second stanza, I think you meant infinite, not infinity.

I didn't see much in terms of grammer, but then again I'm not much a of a grammer person.

I think this poem is really cool and I loved your use of descriptive words, just one thing I would say though is that, maybe you could change some wordings so that when the reader is reading from line to line that it will flow better. If that makes sense, it is just my opinion though.

All in all, I think this is a really good poem and I hope to read some more by you.