Young Writers Society

Hey there!
I just happened to stumble across this one and it just blew my mind! I'm going through a Game of Thrones phase right now, so I totally got it...but I'm also human, so I like to think that I'd have gotten it even if I wasn't into Game of Thrones. Anyway, let me give you my review.

First, I think that this poem, although dealing with Medieval entities such as kings and lords (which, as you say, was derived from chess), is still very much applicable to contemporary society. I mean everywhere we look there is a war happening nowadays. So I commend you for tackling something that is important to society.

You also have an AMAZING skill with use of imagery. Lines like "Peace like fleeting, winter light" and "tattered souls and corpses rent" are simply beautiful and do much to propel the story and emphasise the theme of war that you have going on here. Even the rhymes work. They're so carefully selected that I didn't even realize that the lines were rhyming until I was reading it the second time round. You have a keen sense of sound; your use of alliteration in the line: "Prepares the sword, the spear, the sling" is great and adds much musicality to the poem. The poem is very melodious, despite being about a heavy subject and this contrast brought a sort of "coolness" to the poem.

Overall, I thought this was simply wonderful. Please keep writing. This was awesome

Hey there SoundofRain!

I liked your poem, the chess references were especially enjoyable. What wasn't quite as enjoyable was the bold text. You don't have to bold the entire poem, because it makes it read like someone is shouting in your head. At least, that's the case for me. Other people just think it's mildly annoying.

Alrighty! So, this review is going to be stanza by stanza. I'll talk about what I liked, what needs work, and my overall feeling of the stanza. At the end, I'll sum up my thoughts. Here goes!

Stanza One

Nice introduction. There's not really much I can critique on it. But just to say something, you might want to try some bolder imagery to catch the reader's eye from the start.

Stanza Two

The lords are shielded, by the pawns,

I don't suggest that you break this line up with the comma. I feel like it flow better without it, and the comma doesn't add anything to the sentence structure. Other than that, this stanza is great! I can see the soldiers in my head, readying their weapons.

Stanza Three

And Peace like fleeting, winter light,

This is another instance where you commas are used awkwardly.

This stanza is very vivid. I love the way these words all sound together. When I looked up 'sate', I was very pleased to see you use it. It fits the stanza perfectly.

Stanza Four

Not much to comment on stanza four. Another well written stanza.

Stanza Five

and peace returns, to stay, at last,

Here your commas are put to good use. I like the restful pause they create at the end of the line.

There's not much else to say on Stanza Five.

Stanza Six

Again, I'm digging deep, but it's hard to find anything too wrong.

Stanza Seven

Nice conclusion! The poem sort of ends in a stale mate. I like that.

All in all, your use of chess metaphors is sort of overdone, but you bring freshness to it. I like the philosophy in the poem. I do think it could do for something to spice it up, maybe some more senses, like the acidic taste of blood, or rancid stench of death, or something poetic like that. It's hard for me to find anything to critique, I really had to dig deep. Nicely done! Keep up the good work!

i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.

This is a piece I really enjoyed...
I appreciate the altogether order and cadence as well as the intensity it brings forth in each of the stanzas.
I agree with Nargles about the forcing of rhyme in some areas, but for the most part, it was all very natural. I do love the way it authentically depicts war and peace.

"A conflict born of dueling minds...
..."
This is my favorite stanza besides the last, because for me, it paints a picture of history and human behavior.

Such a great poem!

Here's my review:

Its a beautiful poem. I really loved all the metaphors used to represent the game of chess.

Chess is a beautiful game, and you've done a pretty good job depicting that

I guess I really didnt get the theme at first when I read it. But thats just me.

Its really well written and let me say, the last stanza gave me goosebumps! That last stanza is just beautiful!
" Both thrones bound, by check and mate"- Wow, that is my favorite line in this poem..
I absolutely love it!

Coming to rhyming scheme, at some times I felt you were trying too hard to bring out the rhyme. So you might want to check on that.

Other than that, the style of writing you've used is gorgeous.

This is a job well done!

Kudos to you!

Hey,
Nargles here to have a crack at reviewing this for you.
I rather enjoyed this, though I don't play chess and have very little understanding of it so I probably wasn't able to appreciate as much.
But you have still done a good job, the way you used the extended metaphor of a game of chess to represent political conflict etc, was very clever.
I actually don't have a lot to criticise as you have done a really good job.
Except just maybe watch out for flow. While you have done an excellent job overall there are just tiny parts where it feels as if you are forcing the rhyme, so just watch out for that.
Great job and keep writing!
Nargles xxxx