The silent man,
against the wall,
his eyes, a dark
and misty gray.
The party writhes
and wriggles
round him,
like a worm,
in rain.
Frantic light plays ‘cross
his rigid form, the music
lashes at his ears.
He does not dance,
or shake, or twist
He’s barely
even
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hi there, Rain!
I liked this. It's simple, but it conveys your point very well. Your use of imagery really spices things up, too.
The things that I'm going to critique are probably going to be small things, as this really doesn't have many problems with it.
Your grammar is one of the first things I noticed about this. In poetry, you still need to have complete sentences (sometimes, but more on that later).
The first stanza is a fragment. Here is how I would suggest writing it to make grammatical sense.
That makes grammatical sense. I took out the comma after eyes because the pause wasn't doing it for me.
There are several things here that need addressing.
1. "round him" doesn't make sense. You need to say "around" or put an apostrophe before round to indicate the omission of the syllable.
2. the comma after worm isn't doing it for me; the pause makes a stop so I think the simile is over, but it's not. omit the comma.
This is a matter of opinion, but I think you should change it to "worms /in rain" because parties seem like multiple things rather than one thing (the really crazy ones, anyway)
Instead of these two lines, you should find something to say that emphasizes the last three lines of the poem. It doesn't quite do that, in my perspective, and I think you could find some imagery that really makes it stronger there. The rest of the poem has such lovely imagery, and this part falls flat.
This is a really nice, simple poem. Good going. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy writing!
Wow. This poem captured the emotions of everyone who has ever felt out of place, like they were invited simply because it was expected and not because they were truly wanted. I feel like this at most of the dances I go to, where it seems like everyone is out there dancing with someone expect me.
My favorite set of lines was easily:
"The party writhes
and wriggles
round him,
like a worm,
in rain."
He's there but he's not, no one bothers to notice.
This was wonderfully written.
Wow. The poem gives the impression that the silent man is an outcast, or a misfit. It's powerful, and many people can connect with his situation.
The party writhes
and wriggles
round him,
like a worm,
in rain.
This stanza was a little confusion to me. The worm simile, is it to show how the party simply goes around the man and are repulsed, or does it hold a deeper meaning, one I fail to grasp?
As free verse, your poem still has some components of patter, and it makes it just as wonderful when read out loud.
Keep Writing!
wildwildcat
The mysterious man with his gray eyes, the comparison of celebration to a 'worm in rain' that completely detaches the focus from the 'party' to the 'man against the wall', no unnecessary details and a gradual, broken ending. I like this.
The effect is amazing. That's the thing about free verse. You know, the line breaks, the freedom of it all, anyways.. Nice work, keep it up.
Wow, I can say for certain that I have really have experienced the same feeling you've got here.
This poem takes me back to a very vivid memory I have of standing in a bar on the coast of North Carolina watching the people sway, drink, and dance around me in a reveling horde. That said, I can sympathize greatly.
The bleakness of one watching a room full of life around him is so perfectly portrayed by "a dark and misty gray."
I like the imagery of the still and silent figure in the midst of a mass of immeasurable movement.