In my country, there are two levels of English: Home Language and Additional Language. The Home Language course is much more difficult, but students do not get extra credit for doing English at a higher level—indeed, their marks are much lower than Additional Language students and it impacts their university acceptance rates. This poem is about somebody transitioning to Additional Language, addressing their HL teacher.
"You are sarcificing
a good education
for marks," you said,
slicing the forms
across the table—
into my heart—
into my lungs;
my breath forsakes me.
But you are wrong.
Spoon-feeding aside,
my English grades flounder
in the ten-percent-wake
of maths and sciences,
then drag them down—
this unadulterated average,
this immovable mark
of the eleventh hour
is to determine my fate.
Then strike me if,
in my thirst for university—
education—
qualification—
I chafe at the bonds
of miscomprehension
and uncommon sense;
you hold my future
in your hands:
in that mighty blow
you might yet consign it
back to me.
For you are wrong:
I am not the one
sacrificing my education.
And I came back because—
I just wanted to say that
I can explain—
if you
would
just
listen...
Hello dear! I don't think I need to explain why I'm here, but the short of the matter is that Santa can't make it so you've got me instead
I love this line, not just in itself, but how it hits the flow of the other lines. Very beautiful!Specifics
1. The first thing I'm going to say is a bit out there and maybe not what you're looking to hear, but this feels like it should be a story to me. Your poetry is very prosaic and perhaps that's partly what sways me, but it feels like there's too much here which needs to be spun out in dialogue and character representations.
2. I think 'my breath forsakes me' is too over-dramatic and doesn't fit with the practicality of the speaker's voice before that point. It feels like this is a logical approach so I'd rather have seen a solid image - something physical like empty chalk boards or broken pencils.
3. Is there a need for that 'but you are wrong'? It might be stronger to have it implied or to phrase it differently - something uniquely equivalent.
4.
5. Eleventh hour, fate. These images are a little weak for my liking.
6. I like 'uncommon sense', it's a very nice turn of phrase. More of that please.
Overall
I'm not sure about the ending. On the one hand I like that this student is asking the teacher to listen and I like that firm passivity, but I also feel there's a lot of story here which I'm missing out on. Somewhere in the duration, the student goes away and then comes back and I want to see that progression - what do they bring back with them? Wider knowledge? A sense of certainty that they were right? Or do you mean only that the student goes to leave and then turns back?
I'm left feeling a little confused and feeling that the story is incomplete despite its decisive ending. But as I pointed out, there were lines that I liked so I'm torn!
I hope that gives you a few ideas at least and you should expect my next review tomorrow
Heather xx
Bonjour, barefootrunner, June here,
I absolutely adore your way of telling a story here; it's a gradual unfolding, slowly, and then all at once, and I have nothing but love for your choice of style.
Because it's in quotation marks, I can't tell if it's a [sic], a spoken mispronunciation, or if you simply misspelled it; it should say sacrificing in the first line.
I'm not the hugest fan of "my breath forsakes me" at the end of the first stanza; I know what you're trying to say, but it changes the tone of the poem, shifting the poem away from language and closer to cliches, so I would nix it, and replace it with something that better directly fits into the theme of language and studies-- even forgetting your words would work better there.
Though I love your style, I'm not the hugest fan of your dash breaks. In the final stanza they work beautifully, but otherwise, I think commas would work better. I understand what you're trying to achieve, but because we're not changing direction gun-ho, I think commas are a better choice.
Much love for your writing. Never stop,
June
Hello Barefoot runner!!! A pleasant day to you, VRYX here to review your work entitled "Bridging The Barrier"...
I liked the utilization of carefully picked words, well played my friend, well played ^_^
First off, you really did expressed the side of every student that has a thing or two to say
I viewed your message as a direct confession on your part as the emotion of struggle courses through your poem.
"You are sarcificing
a good education
for marks," you said,
slicing the forms
across the table—
into my heart—
into my lungs;
my breath forsakes me.
But you are wrong."
Youve introduced it in a plain typical but striking way
"For you are wrong:
I am not the one
sacrificing my education.
And I came back because—
I just wanted to say that
I can explain—
if you
would
just
listen..."
the way you wrote the conclusion to this poem created an impact
Technically, I loved the way you have written this in this manner
Again, VRYX here. Great work for a concept that has many sides. By the way, i dont have a problem on your title...ahm, all in all, i commend you for writing this.Keep writing my friend
Hi Barefootrunner!
And I liked how in total, in real life, there was only one things said by the teacher, and only one thing said by the speaker, but emotion filled in everything else. I also really like how what the speaker says is "I can explain", which are such clichéd words. But because of the poem we can understand everything behind it. I know you don't put this in speech marks so it's almost as if she isn't saying it. But maybe you should consider that.
All I can say is write more!
Nice poem you got there. I'm not sure if this was personal story, or you just trying to bring this message across. But it has a good meaning and thank you for explaining it!
I'm with Demtry, I don't really like the ellipsis much either. But I liked how the lines were a little bit choppy, but full at the same time. You worked with the layout wonderfully, and I never felt like I was missing something. This is all looks pretty good to me
And the "if you would just listen" should remain outside the speech marks, because it sounds like it's own silent frustration. Really good poem here
Deanie x
Thanks, Deanie
I agree about the elipsis -- it detracts from the power of the statement! Anyway, I really appreciate the review.
Heya! Demtry here to review you
First off, I really enjoyed reading your poem - your imagery is great and I love your word choices.
The only thing I'm unsure about is the ellipsis after "listen" in the last line. In my opinion, removing it (and even thinking about replacing it with a hyphen) and creating a more abrupt ending leaves the reader with a more powerful feeling.
But besides for that, fantastic poem - really great! I particularly loved your lines "I chafe at the bonds/of miscomprehension."
Thanks, Demtry
I really appreciate it!