Young Writers Society

Hello. jordin here with a review fro you being my mentee I need to do a review on as much of your work as I can.

First I have no idea what the stuff at the beginning is, I mean I am not sure what it is...

Next Something that I would advise is to make each paragraph four lines long.

Also coppying what other writers wrote well it is not quite right on YWS.

Try harder and you will do better, not saying this is bad.

Keep writing and good job.

~Jon~

Well, let's try again shall we?

I liked the meaning behind this poem. I can see how it strongly connects with your essay. I can even recognize some phrases! But this doesn't really fit into a poem for me. I wouldn't comment on the layout as Speakerskat has already done that. I agree with the choppiness a bit. But I'm going to focus on the more poetry type of aspect.

It kind of lacked emotion :/ (sorry I'm being strict again. It's probably just today) I didn't really feel like I could lose myself in this poem. I felt distant and kind of stale, like I was just reading this simple piece. It needs more imagination. When you say "writing is so much more than pencil to paper", it is a simple line, but from that you can take on so much more. You kind of leave that line there, but I would put more.

Writing is so much more than pencil to paper,
It is like you inking your heart onto a sheet,
Or losing yourself into a spiral of letters,
Until it all gathers and forms a new creation.

To me that sounds much more beautiful, and meaningful. And that only comes from one of your lines! Look into this poem and see what you can do with someone of the great line openers you have there. If you have a good idea going on in a sentence, don't leave it there, continue it! Your story needs to be told!

Lastly I will badger you about the word choice. You reuse words too much. Like how I saw "wise", "writing" and "inspiration" too much. Maybe if you apply my first suggestion, about line openers, you will see that these words don't repeat so much. If they do, it seriously doesn't hurt to use a thesaurus, or even an online one. Synonyms are awesome! Same meaning, written differently. All a writer could ask for

This is where I stop tearing apart your work. Don't get me wrong, it was good. But I see potential there to be even better! If you're into poetry, I also advise you to visit here. It's all about poetry and there are many people who are willing to help you out. I think you might like it

That's it for now. Keep aspiring for those dreams and keep writing all the while. Practice will never make perfect, but it can make you pretty close!

Deanie x

Hi there again Secrete,

I liked the meaning behind this again. I can see how it connects strongly with your essay. I can even recognize some phrases!

Hey there Speakerskat here to review for ya!

Loved the poem!

My review
~Kat

JK! Heres my real review

I really did love this poem. I didnt read all the bold stuff at the top though and I don't like how they devided their sentences like that, it made it sort of short and choppy and detached from the nice meaning and flow of the poem. I do totally love this poem though (sorry for saying that a lot). I mean it's soooooo true that we writer start at the bottom and that it isnt an easy task and takes a very educated and devoted person.

Really lovely
~Kat