Young Writers Society

Knight Dragon here to give one of the requested reviews from the Knights of the Green Room.
As a major fan of mythology, I liked how you took the Pandora concept and reversed it to where this Pandora is too scared to open the box. Also, instead of the box being readily available like it was for the ancient Pandora, this box is hidden and has to be sought out. And it's also interesting that you have this Pandora wanting treasure, seeking it out, yet being too timid to open her treasure once she finds it.
The biggest thing I liked about this poem was that it felt like the tempo was just right. Not too showy, not off kilter, just there, breathing and being what it is supposed to be. The only line I'd recommend you investigate for possible revision would be "Search for things I know". That "search" just stuck out a little, since I was expecting "searching". But it's entirely up to you.

This piece is amazing. I don't know if the person who is telling it is you or its supposed to be set from anyone's' perspective but I've felt this way a lot.It's a beautiful poem. What I got from it was that people take risks but they don't always turn out good. I like the choice of figurative language you used also. I don't think there's really anything bad about this. Now that I've read this I'm exciting to see what else you will come up with and I will be following you. Again this piece was wonderful. Good job! c:

Hey Sparkle, I figured I'd drop in for a couple of pieces of advice on this piece.

First thing I want to say: THIS PIECE IS AWESOME! The idea is really interesting -really original and intriguing. The way you write it has some things to ask for, and your formatting is a point on your downside -but overall I really really enjoyed reading this! Great, amazing work!

For those few little bits of advice. Your formatting: To create proper stanza breaks just go to the editor and use Shift-Enter instead of just plain enter -that's what I was told to do! Fix the formatting and this piece will become much more cohesive and readable.

For your style. Now, as awesome and spectacular as the idea behind this poem is -and as much as I appreciate it, I really think it would work better if you used rhyme in it. I know, I know; rhyming always seems to turn pieces into nursery rhymes -but that's wrong. Rhyming, in my opinion really helps to improve the flow of a piece.

Try it at least. As is this piece reads really jerkily and messily. It sounds like you wrote a paragraph down and then broke it up into lines . . . that bad, yeah. The idea would come across really well if you used rhyming ^^ Better than it is, anyway.

Anyway, nice work -remember to KEEP WRITING!


~Black~

I'm here for you, Squire Sparkle! I am here with your promised KotGR review and with encouragement to finish up your 10 Green Room Reviews to join us as a Knight and become potentially eligible to win the Scribe badge!

There is definitely a lot I like about this poem. And just 'cause it's my style, I love the moments of ambiguity or association most. For example, these are some of my favorite lines:

Yesterday’s yesterday, I found a box

I was digging for buried treasure.
Seems I do that a lot these days,

But even I know
Elephants can’t really dance
And they always did say
I was a coward.

It was old, or
Seemed so at least,
With a dancing elephant carved
Into the soft light wood
Blackened with dirt.

Knight Teen here to give you one of your requested KOTGR reviews.

And, not only do you get to receive your second Knight review with this review, but you are the receiver of my two-hundredth review! Congratulations to both you and me.

Well, I have always been rather long-winded, but lets get down to business, shall we?

This was a very well-written piece. I love the title, and how you relate the content of the work (a version of Pandora's box) to the title. Grammatically this is quite perfect. The same can be said for your spelling. There really is nothing to overly criticize here.

There are however, a few things that I would like to mention.

That thrice-damned box.

Jonathan here with a review for you from the knights of the green room.

Well this was more of a story than a poem in my opinion.

I think it was good though I would break it up into stanzas like other poems.

"Buried treasure at the heart
Of an enchanted forest
Where young couples walked
Hand in hand
Amidst the screaming children"
Okay a few problem here such as there is no punctuation and what is with "Amidst the screaming children"? It just doesn't make no sense.

Anyway this poem was very nice and very well written by someone who knew what they were doing.

Keep writing sparkle and don't even think of stopping because you are a great poet.

~Jonathan~

Wow.

This is really amazing!

I love this, is gives the feeling of mystery and suspense, it makes the reader, want to clutch the box, and feel the carving, and to peak inside, to its inner depths.

Overall, its a really good poem, it shows how simple words can trick even the smartest minds into wanting to know what is in the box, because, I think we all do.

Overall, once again, I really love it, its such mystery and suspense, I really want to know what's inside.

Thanks,
pegasusgirl2

Sparkle!! I liked one of your previous works and I'm here to review again.

Hey, so, I just need to space this out. Because I usually like to go from stanza to stanza. (You can take my advice from the way I space it out.)

"The day before yesterday, I found a box
Buried in the park,
Under a rose bush." -- I didn't want to originally put this on it's own, but I think it adds to the poetry piece to leave this on it's own. It's a start to the story and shouldn't be bundled up with the rest.

It was old, or
so it seemed at least,
With a dancing elephant carved
Into the soft light wood
Blackened with dirt." -- The last line was really not needed. And neither was the "Yesterday's yesterday". If you feel you want to have the term "Blackened with dirt you can always say something like "with a light layer of dirt" "Blackened with dirt" interrupted the flow of the poem. Anything with "with, or gathered, spread, covered" would make a better transition into that last line.

"I was digging for buried treasure.
Seems I do that a lot these days,
Search for things, I know,
I won’t find." -- And here comes the thunder! This is the part of your writing I love, the truth. Good job here. I just added some commas to make the "I know" stick out a bit more.

"But maybe I did find it,
Somehow.
Buried treasure, at the heart
Of an enchanted forest,
Where young couples walked
Hand in hand, amidst the screaming children,
And the lonely walkers." -- I thought the person did find the treasure? (At first I got confused that the treasure wasn't real ) But anyways, I think that it would start better. "But then I did find it" since, I mean, the person did find it. And the lonely walkers part made me sad, I am not sure why but it made me feel like they were being left out, but I think it was just the way I had read it.

"That thrice-damned box.
It’s sitting on my bedside table now.
I don’t know what to do with it." -- And the box be thrice-damned must mean serious implications. But why? Why is it so serious, nothing you wrote before prepares the reader for such serious implications. Please do prepare the reader.

"If I open it, who knows
What I might find?
Closed, it could be anything.
A secret journal.
A dead man’s skull.
A million dollars,
My ticket out of here." -- So this was simple.

"But even I know
Elephants can’t really dance,
And they always did say
I was a coward." -- I feel like the ending should have been different. For this doesn't really answer the questions in the readers head, which are: Is the box opened? What is within it? Why was the person looking for it? But I guess that was the point from the title of the story. And yet, I feel there should have been more of an ending than there was.

So, overall, I still like your writing it is very mystical and fascinating. That said, this work needs some revision and look over. Especially towards the end. I understand wanting to make writing strange and different, but try to tie it into the rest of the poem a bit more. It seemed kind of strange that the person had said "Elephants can't really dance" I mean, that has nothing to do with the contents of the box and though I understand that part, I still seems a little out of place for me. But anyways, that's my opinion.

Great job!

Keep dreaming!

Hi Sparkle!

I'm here to review for you.

If anything, I'm here to mention what's already been mentioned, but I'll tell you why. Stanzas are important! Stanzas... could decide if you'll live as a poet or not. o.o; They are like windows, and poetry is like a skyscraper; if you don't create stanzas, we can say you've built a skyscraper with no windows. That's no good! That's not even attractive. xD You have to help and tell your reader when to breathe; when to stop and stare. Stanzas help people concentrate because they make it easier to read, and it gives your readers a break to actually stop and think about what you're saying. You want to be heard, don't you? Well, my only suggestion is... make stanzas. You're actually a lovely poet. And I honestly think it would be a shame if someone would open this and then would close it before reading because of the lack of stanzas. So yeah, I think I've made myself clear. Lol.

Keep Writing!

~GeeLyria

Hey there! Sapi to review. I'll just put my comments in with the poem.

" Yesterday’s yesterday, I found a box
Buried in the park
Under a rose bush."

I found the rhythm here to be a bit draggy. "Yesterday's yesterday" may sound cool, but I just couldn't find the flow in the beginning.

"It was old, or
Seemed so at least,
With a dancing elephant carved
Into the soft light wood
Blackened with dirt."

The flow is a lot better after the first three lines; I can start to distinguish it and really hear the poem. Line breaks are also good here. Now it is starts to really intrigue me. With a few changes, I think this would make a better beginning than the first three lines did. All that you need to introduce is the park and the box, which I think is possible to do just adding an extra line to this section. It was a much better "hook" for me, at least.

"I was digging for buried treasure.
Seems I do that a lot these days,
Search for things I know
I won’t find."

The only thing I would change here is take out the "seems" in the second line. It both disrupts the flow slightly, and it's not really something that "seems", it's just something that either is true or it is not, at least to the narrator.

"But maybe I did find it,
Somehow,"

Here again, I don't quite understand the use of "maybe". It seems like the narrator already do find something, an old engraved box, that at least to me would be treasure in itself. Or at least to the narrator, if they are looking for treasure, they would almost assume it being treasure, instead of being uncertain about it. I don't know, that part might just be me....

"Buried treasure at the heart
Of an enchanted forest
Where young couples walked
Hand in hand
Amidst the screaming children
And lonely walkers.
That thrice-damned box."

I really love this part, the way you turn from "enchanted forest" to a description of the park. Great job! I will say that the "thrice-damned box" line took me by a bit of a surprise, but that was probably intentional.

"It’s sitting on my bedside table now.
I don’t know what to do with it.
If I open it, who knows
What I might find?
Closed, it could be anything.
A secret journal.
A dead man’s skull.
A million dollars,
My ticket out of here.
But even I know
Elephants can’t really dance
And they always did say
I was a coward."

The ending intrigues me. I never in a million years thought it would end that way, so I suppose that's a good thing. It's certainly an original ending. There's only one thing that confuses me a bit. If the narrator is a coward, why do they always go looking for buried treasure? That doesn't, to me, seem like a very cowardly thing to do. Because of that, it almost comes as a contradiction that they don't open the box at the end. Maybe one way to fix that problem is to end the poem a tiny bit more mysteriosly, so that you leave what happens at the end up to the reader....just an idea.

Anyways, in all, awesome poem! Took me by surprise, and it certainly left me intrigued. I love the ideas you had to make this happen. Hope I could help!

Happy review day! Peace.

~Sapi

this was an interesting poem I found it strangely intriguing and it was weird but I think you made it into an awesome poem when at first it might have just been a strange array of words anyways good job and I'm not sure if this will help at all but I think if you talked a bit more about the box it might be interesting but its only my opinion so keep up the good work and thank for reading this review

Ok so the first rig I noticed was that there were no stanzas. Tis was a very deep piece that obviously had a deeper meaning. It was very entrancing to read and it had great imager. It was very creative to use a old legend it wrote poetry.





~MindBlown

I think this is beautiful, and the title is really great.
One thing you might not think about, the person was digging in a park under a rose bush. Would the park staff really allow that? Just saying...
anyway, I like the symbolism of the box and the cowardice. There's a lot a little grammar mistakes, but they don't take away from the story. I especially like the part where the narrator is guessing at what's in the box. It adds to the main theme of imagination.
One part that took away from the flow was where you said "screaming children"
all of a sudden I was yanked out of a nice serene park and shoved into a daycare with incompetent staff. I would maybe put laughing children or playing children. The rest of it... I love! I love all the descriptions especially. Good work, keep writing!

Hello there I (Reviewer of the red team) am with a small review for you sorry if it is short and if it does not have that much meat to it.

I sure hope that this review helps you out buddy.

Yesterday’s yesterday, I found a box

or seemed so at least,

This is so interesting!! The description in the description box drew me in and the title is so intriguing. I love the idea of it and way you wrote it. It's really interesting.
"Yesterday’s yesterday, I found a box
Buried in the park
Under a rose bush.
It was old, or
Seemed so at least,
With a dancing elephant carved
Into the soft light wood
Blackened with dirt.
I was digging for buried treasure." This part was the best part of this piece;you truly know how to grab ppl's interest.
"What I might find?
Closed, it could be anything.
A secret journal.
A dead man’s skull.
A million dollars,
My ticket out of here.
But even I know
Elephants can’t really dance
And they always did say
I was a coward."
It was such unique ending to something on Pandora's Box. It's usually about how the people who find it open it and see whats inside, but this didn't have that and I liked it.
I freakin love the ending!
I really enjoyed it keep writing xxx, Claire

This is so interesting!! The description in the description box drew me in and the title is so intriguing. I love the idea of it and way you wrote it. It's really interesting.
"Yesterday’s yesterday, I found a box
Buried in the park
Under a rose bush.
It was old, or
Seemed so at least,
With a dancing elephant carved
Into the soft light wood
Blackened with dirt.
I was digging for buried treasure." This part was the best part of this piece;you truly know how to grab ppl's interest.
"What I might find?
Closed, it could be anything.
A secret journal.
A dead man’s skull.
A million dollars,
My ticket out of here.
But even I know
Elephants can’t really dance
And they always did say
I was a coward."
It was such unique ending to something on Pandora's Box. It's usually about how the people who find it open it and see whats inside, but this didn't have that and I liked it.
I freakin love the ending!
I really enjoyed it keep writing xxx, Claire