The Dragons Reward 2

by davidechoe13

Published April 16, 2013

E - Everyone

In Dragon Trilogy

Chapter II

Preston woke up before sunrise and got dressed, he donned his polished armor and sharpened his sword till morning came. When the sun at long last finally rose up into the sky Preston packed up all his gear and loaded Turtle up for the trip. There was only one more thing he had to do before he was sent off to slay a dragon. The king wanted to bid them all farewell, and at the same time make it fair so that everyone left at the same time. Preston grabbed Turtle's reins and led his trusty horse towards the courtyard, when he got there Madain was waiting there for him. They shook hands in a final strong grip.

“Good luck!” Preston said “May your blade be swift and your shield strong” He said trying to be as polite as possible. Madain gave him a solemn nod of appreciation.

“I appreciate your consideration, I wish you luck as well my friend.”

Soon the courtyard went from just a few early risers to the whole assembly. Preston was on high alert about everything, the wait was absolutely nerve wracking, he kept his face calm, just like everyone else but he knew that everyone else was in his same position. Ready to go.

“Good Morning!” King Faust said with a smile on his face, but this time everyone was serious, there was no applause, just silence. “I would like to thank you a final time to come and help my kingdom!” The king looked like he had a speech planned for all the knights gathered below the balcony but decided not to give them the practiced speech.

“I would like to say that you are doing a great service fighting this dragon” The king said honestly “ I can tell you are eager to be off, So Go! And Slay a dragon for me!” Now this roused up a loud “Hoorah!” From the men. Preston was suddenly caught in a rush to get out of the castle, there was no sight of his two friends rowan or Madain, their faces lost in the crowd of eager soldiers after the glory of killing a dragon and the hand of a fair princess. At long last the hunt was on! Preston got out of the city and into the open pastures. Last night at the banquet the kings advisers had quickly told them that Scar's lair was at the top of Roggrendum The tallest mountain on the range, and that's where Preston headed.

“Yah!” He yelled to Turtle who at his command rushed forward and together they headed for the mountain. Preston rode through the pastures as he had done the night before. As he came over the rolling hills he noticed that there was something about the continuous rain of snow, but as he rode he looked down at his arm he found that it wasn't snow, but ash. Preston rode forward for a few hours crossing the valley. That's when he saw it. An outlying town several miles from Castle Faust, burning, the town had fresh flames billowing all through houses and buildings. He raced toward the burning town hoping that there was no one their, he stopped at the edge and jumped off of Turtle and ran through the streets, he couldn't find anyone, it was a cloud of smoke and ash, he couldn't see anything, maybe that was a good thing. Preston came across a few other knights who were trying to help out the best they could, bu there was no hope the town was gone, and so were the people that lived there.

RAWR!

Preston stopped dead, he didn't breathe, he didn't move, he didn't do anything. Suddenly he heard a knight scream, and the awful sound of teeth crunching bones.

“It's here!” He whispered to himself, all of a sudden through the thick smoke cloud a pillar of fire shot through the streets burning everything in it's path.

“Whoa!” Preston yelped out of surprise, he reacted quickly diving to the ground. It was a stupid move though, his armor clanked loudly when he landed. Then everything went deathly quiet, except for the sounds of more and more knights sweeping through the abandoned town. If Preston could just last a little longer he would have some backup and possibly not die. If he was lucky.

“Hey are you alright?” Preston jerked around, he heard the voice and turned to it seeing a man standing there wrapped in cloth.

“Duck!” Preston yelled knowing exactly what would be headed their way.

FWOOSH!

The fireball blew up the house behind them just as Preston tackled the newcomer.

“Get out of here!” He yelled. He turned to make his final stand against the beast, expecting a large dragon dragon to be right behind him, but there was nothing there. In the distance sounds of battle and knights attacking reached Preston's ears. The last thing Preston wanted to do was run over and face the dragon, but he ran as fast as he could toward the sounds of battle but was knocked backwards into a pile of rubble by an invisible force.

“Wake UP!” Preston heard a voice yelling in his head but it didn't register. “Get up now!” He opened his eyes to see a man standing above him, his hair on fire, his armor singed and his short brown beard with sparks in it, and the man's face was black with soot. Preston rolled out of the pile of burning wood.

“If you value your life WE MUST LEAVE NOW!” The man screamed.

RAWR!!

“Now!” The man pleaded then turned and ran off. Preston followed, he was NOT going to die right then or right there because he had a chance, and he was going to take it.

The remains of the town practically exploded, sending debris and all kinds of shrapnel raining down on their heads. Horses without riders raced around the pastures trying to escape the flames and thickening smoke. Seeing the horses made Preston think of Turtle, he didn't know if the horse was alive or dead, most likely dead, however there was no time for being sad he had to get out of there as fast as possible.

RAWR!!!

There was a final shriek and the dragon rose up into the air, Preston watched as the massive beast rose out of the smoke, from what he could see he noticed that the dragon was pitch black and about 60 feet long.

The man that had saved Preston, stopped to catch his breath.

“They invited us over here to kill that?” He asked “That beast is straight from the Phoenix King's dark dungeons!” Preston nodded his agreement.

“Thanks back there!” He said “You saved my life!” The other knight walked over and held out his hand which Preston shook.

“My names Carson you?” Said the man.

“Preston” He replied “Preston Darren” Carson started pacing around trying to think of a plan.

“What are we to do?!” Carson shouted this whole quest now had a seriousness to it that no one had realized the night before.

“We stick together” Preston said a plan forming “We'll never make it to fight the “I like that plan.” he said said simply “I can work with that. Let's go and see who we can help out in the town.” So they had run out of the burning town just to run back in. That also made Preston sick at his stomach, knights were men of courage and never left someone behind, but Preston had run out of there with out a single thought as to the men he was leaving there. Carson saw the look in his eyes and tried to be reassuring.

“We can't help anyone by dying we did what we had to do.” Preston nodded in agreement but he was still disgusted at himself.

“Fifty men?” The King roared “The best men in the land and half of them are killed the first day!?” The king was furious, nothing was working out as he had planned. The beast was just to strong for the warriors. Along with the dead bodies were a few of the men who had quit, who had given the quest up as futile.

“We have twenty three men left out there.” Gerard said checking the list, it was hours after the first attack, it was past noon and the bodies had been counted and identified.

“Gah!” King Faust shouted “Will we ever be rid of this beast?!”

“We will, my king.” Gerard said flatly and confidently.

“What makes you say that?” The king asked questioningly.

“Because there is someone out there in that group of people that is determined to kill the beast, and it won't be for the glory, the riches or even your daughter.” King Mennin paced back and forth, he didn't remember seeing anyone like that in the crowd, but Gerard was old and wise, and the king trusted his counsel.

“My king!” The door guard shouted from down the hall “The Queen requests your presence immediately!” The king ran towards the door.

“Well let her in!” He cried as Queen Alicia Faust stumbled through the doors crying, the king held her in his arms.

“She's gone!” The queen sobbed “Amelia's gone! She just left!”

Comments & reviews · 3
dragonfphoenix wrote a review Review · Dec 29, 2013

Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:

"Preston woke up before sunrise and got dressed, he donned his polished armor and sharpened his sword till morning came."

This is a comma splice. There should be a semi-colon where the comma is, but I would recommend breaking this into two sentences. Also, on a realism level, he donned his armor first and then started sharpening his sword? So he sharpened his sword all night in plate armor. That stuff's heavy.

"Preston grabbed Turtle's reins and led his trusty horse towards the courtyard, when he got there Madain was waiting there for him."

Another comma splice.

Warning: you have a lot of "tell" in this paragraph. Now, I know the purpose of this paragraph is just to get to where this is going, but you could use a little more show. This article explains the difference between "show" and "tell."

"Preston said “May your blade be swift and your shield strong” He said trying to be"

This is missing some punctuation. After the first "said" there needs to be a period, after "strong" it needs a comma (or a period if that's your style), and there should probably be (highly recommended) a comma after that second "said."

"“I appreciate your consideration, I wish you luck as well my friend.”"

This sounds really canned. Try speaking this out loud and see if it sounds like something a real person would say. Also, this is a comma splice (although some find comma splices in dialogue acceptable, I would recommend changing this to a period.)

"Preston was on high alert about everything, the wait was absolutely nerve wracking, he kept his face calm, just like everyone else but he knew that everyone else was in his same position."

There are so many comma splices I'm tempted to call this a major run-on. But it's not. Most of these commas need to be periods. Also, watch out for those long sentences. Even if you switched all the appropriate commas to semi-colons, this would still be a really, really long sentence.

"King Faust said with a smile on his face, but this time everyone was serious, there was no applause, just silence."

Same issue as before. I would advise you to read up on proper comma usage, then go back through this and attack those comma splices. Let's make this better!

"“I would like to thank you a final time to come and help my kingdom!”"

"to come..." You make it sound like he's still asking for help. I think you meant "for coming and helping my kingdom."

Also, a note on the dragon. You never say why this dragon is such a big threat. Only that it is. We dragons tire of our negative portrayal in the media, and the wanton destruction of our species. (Said slightly as a joke, mind you, but still...why is this dragon such a problem. At the very least, the king would have said something like "removing this threat, which has done such and such destruction to our kingdom." Even if it's well-known, politicians like to reiterate things.)

Well, that should give you enough to start on with the revision process. Hope this helps!

User avatar
manisha
Review
manisha wrote a review Review · Dec 29, 2013

Hi there!
I'll review as I read.

As I haven't read the before chapters the review will be based only on the content of this chapter.

“Good luck!” Preston said “May your blade be swift and your shield strong” He said trying to be as polite as possible. Madain gave him a solemn nod of appreciation.

You are missing few punctuations.

“Good luck!” Preston said. “May your blade be swift and your shield strong”. He said trying to be as polite as possible.

“I appreciate your consideration, I wish you luck as well, my friend.”

Preston was on high alert about everything, the wait was absolutely nerve wracking, he kept his face calm, just like everyone else but he knew that everyone else was in his same position. Ready to go.
This sentence is too long and a run on. Break it up so that each sentence maintains a separate meaning.

Preston was on high alert about everything, the wait was absolutely nerve wracking. He kept his face calm, just like everyone else .....in his same position.

“I would like to say that you are doing a great service fighting this dragon” The king said honestly “ I can tell you are eager to be off, So Go! And Slay a dragon for me!”
Your dialogue punctuation in places are kinda messed.
You probably know them already but I'll you through them anyway.

"Hey there," said Kate. <- The comma is inside the quotes.
"Hey there," said Kate, "I was waiting for you." When the dialogue tag is in the middle.
"Hey there," Said Kate. "I was waiting for you." <- this works too.
"Hey there!" Said Kate.

“ I can tell you are eager to be off, So Go! And Slay a dragon for me!”
Why is So, Go, Slay capitalized? It isn't necessary.

sight of his two friends rowan or Madain, their faces lost in the crowd of eager soldiers after the glory of killing a dragon and the hand of a fair princess.

Rowan should be capitalized. Minor typo.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but they haven't yet killed any dragon right? So what is the glory about?

. Last night at the banquet the kings advisers had quickly told them that Scar's lair was at the top of Roggrendum The tallest mountain on the range, and that's where Preston headed.

kings is king's
A comma after Roggrendum is required. And there is no need to capitalize The.

He raced toward the burning town hoping that there was no one their, he stopped at the edge and jumped off of Turtle and ran through the streets, he couldn't find anyone, it was a cloud of smoke and ash, he couldn't see anything, maybe that was a good thing.

Now try reading this sentence in one go. See what I mean? Its easy to get carried away with run on sentences. You have really good wordings but it is jarred with long sentences. Break it up. Make use of periods. They won't bite you. ;)
I'll leave you with a helpful link.
Click here
“Hey are you alright?”
Comma after Hey.

The man that had saved Preston, stopped to catch his breath.
No need for the comma after Preston.

RAWR!!!
Rawr sounds like a noise a cat would make, not a dragon. Maybe you wanted "Roar"? This is just me XD

“We stick together” Preston said a plan forming “We'll never make it to fight the “I like that plan.” he said said simply “I can work with that. Let's go and see who we can help out in the town.”
Take a look at this sentence. It doesn't make sense.

“Fifty men?” The[b] King]/b] roared “The best men in the land and half of them are killed the first day!?” The [b]king [b]was furious

You have capitalized king here, and not done the same in other places. Stay consistent.

“Gah!” King Faust shouted
Would a king really say 'Gah'?


Overall-
Though I do not know what is happening in the story, I enjoyed this chapter. You have a good writing style and the flow is good. However, there are a lot o grammatical mistakes, mostly to do with punctuations. And yes, the run on sentences. Give it a read, read out the sentences aloud and you will know what is wrong.

Your description is very well done. It paints a clear picture and I find myself there in the scene. Preston sounds like a nice character, some who is smart and thinks on his feet.

Good ending! Best way to hook a reader is to give them a cliffhanger end.

If you have any questions shoot me a PM. Will be happy to help!

Keep writing.
Hope I helped!

SushiSashimi333 wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2013

The pacing of this story was done nicely and evenly, not too fast or too slow which makes the readers want to read on. "May your blade be swift and your shield strong" needs punctuation at the end of it, but I do like the little saying there; it makes the reader feel like they're there. The other line I had a problem with is "expecting a large dragon dragon", whatever way you look at this it makes no sense. Maybe you didn't realize you wrote the word twice, I understand, I've done that before a million times. When you use the word pleaded it didn't seem to fit very well within the sentence, to me I imagined what the soldier said as more of a command than a plead. Also the word shrapnel is not used correctly. A shrapnel is a scrap of a bomb shell or the like after an explosion, I don't believe the knights brought any cannons with them. “We'll never make it to fight the “I like that plan.” this was pretty confusing, I had no idea who was speaking and what they were speaking about. "The beast was just to strong for the warriors." in this sentence to is supposed to be too to show something is over what they are capable of. I think that maybe before you post you should read it over so not to confuse the reader, otherwise I still like the plot a ton and the cliffhanger was pretty good. Nice work!



Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant