Chapter IV
Bandits swarmed the small campsite like an army of ants attacking a fallen grasshopper. Unsheathing their weapons, the three victims drew their swords, with the two knights guarding their mysterious friend.
“There are too many!” Carson yelled out as the enemies came within range, Carson attacked the bandit first by lashing out with his big two handed sword, the bandit was wounded and fell to the ground. Preston looked at Turtle who was still tied to the tree, Preston did not want his horse to be hurt, but he also couldn't just leave Carson unguarded.
“Let's make our way towards the horses, we have to get out of here!” Preston yelled, he was attacked by two bandits at once, he slashed the first one across the chest and quickly stabbed the other before either had a chance to do more than scream.
Now they were almost completely surrounded, both knights were slowly getting worn down and having to guard the girl was not helping much.
“Carson! Get the girl to the horses! I will cover you!” Without waiting for a reply Preston lashed out widely with his sword, halting the advance of several bandits.
There were many of them now trying to get in on the action which caused there ranks to be squished in together making it hard for any of the bandits to make a move. Preston used this to his advantage, he lunged forward making three of his foes dodge out of the way, which in turn started a domino effect. Carson carved his way with his big broadsword to the horses, they were right there when-
Thunk!
Preston glanced briefly at the source of pain and found that an arrow had hit him in the leg, he quickly broke off the shaft so it didn't get in his way, but he did not pull the arrow out for fear of it being next to an artery.
“Got them!” Carson yelled he quickly helped their mysterious friend onto his horse and then began to dash back towards Preston but, the knight was now wounded and completely surrounded. Another whistle of wind and Preston fell to his knees in pain as another arrow embedded itself in his left shoulder. The brave knight fell to the ground and his vision went black.
“Preston!” Carson screamed he started to charge into the fray after his friend when the mystery girl blocked his path with the horse.
“He's gone!” She yelled “We have to leave!” With one last glance Carson knew the situation was hopeless, Preston was dead and they would be too if they did not get out of there. Racing towards Turtle, Carson cut the rope holding the horse to the tree, and with the girl behind him, they galloped off through the fields outrunning what little amount of bandits attempted to chase after them.
Carson took several looks back with remorse, it went against every grain in his body to leave his friend there under the rule of thieves and plunderers, but he had to get the girl out of there before they were both dead.
After several hours of riding, Carson and the girl came to stop, near the edge of the forest where, they built a small hill of rocks in memorial. Carson stepped back and looked at the pile of stones.
“I promise you Preston” he said with a bitter sound in his voice “I will slay the dragon.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Okay, for a small passage such as this you sure did have a huge impact. It would seem that you killed off what many would have thought was the main character, or maybe you didn't? Now I really want the next chapter to be out, as for the commas they still need some work but you did a really good job at structuring this plot. Just when people think everything will end a little too soon something else comes up and new things happen. Well done, now I just need the next chapter, do notify me when it comes out please.
Alrighty will do! Thanks so much!
Crazy here with reviews for CreativiTea~!
“There are too many!” Carson yelled out as the enemies came within range, Carson attacked the bandit first by lashing out with his big two handed sword, the bandit was wounded and fell to the ground
- This sentence is way too long. The poor thing is awkward and wobbling around on the number of coma marks you used. Take a step back and split the sentence in two.
Preston looked at Turtle who was still tied to the tree, Preston did not want his horse to be hurt, but he also couldn't just leave Carson unguarded.
- This sentence is dying. There is no way around it. You don't have to squash as much information into one sentence; it is not going away anytime soon.
There were many of them now trying to get in on the action which caused there ranks to be squished in together making it hard for any of the bandits to make a move.
- Run-on sentence. These are annoying and make me want to strangle something. Nothing against you, its just that these little suckers ruin your writing like a mosquito bite that just gave you malaria.
Carson yelled he quickly helped their mysterious friend onto his horse and then began to dash back towards Preston but, the knight was now wounded and completely surrounded.
- ANOTHER ONE. Run-on sentences are going to kill you one day.
“I promise you Preston” he said with a bitter sound in his voice “I will slay the dragon.”
- You need to finish these with periods. After Preston and voice should be one.
You are a great writer. You used diction, which I love more than I should probably admit. In my opinion, diction or as I call it 'Glitter Wording' is one of the most important parts of writing a story. No one wants to have to force themselves to read. As soon as you get rid of those pesky and infectious run on sentences and slow down, you will become an utterly AWESOME writer.
Thank you so much for the review!