Wow I think its great. leaves me wanting to know more about what lead up to this
Okay this is my first story that I have ever let anyone see outside my home, and it's not my best because I'm super nervous, so don't judge me ;) I'mKidding, review All you want! no loose ends.But don't kill me...
Everything is calm and very quiet, she steps out and looks around through the mist, she could see onlythe deceased bodies covering the earth, the earth that they had been trying to defend.
Her heart starts to pound as the mist starts to clear, and she can't find him.
“Don't worry who could kill this?” he gestured to himself, those had been his last words before he kissed her good bye to run out and defend her land, to take it all back for her.
Everyone starts to look the same blood stained everything, she searches for his bright blue tunic, she freezes staring at what looks like his blue tunic and him lying on someone.
She swallows hard and walks forward she pulls him back and sees that it is him her love, she collapses next to him hot tears start to stream down her flustered cheeks.
She turns him over and holds him in her lap and starts to rock him, He had always been there for her, she was here now for him and too late,she hugs him close to her never wanting to let him go again.
She starts to cry harder her body starting to shake as she let's her tears come down onto his dried tunic.
“Why?” She cries knowing that know one could hear, “Why him?” she buried her head in his blood stained tunic.
She feels the presents of someone she looks up and sees him staring down at her, she shamefully and slowly looks back down at her love's face.
The man looks at both of them and glares, “I told you so.” those words pierced her heart she jerked up but he had disappeared, she looked around at everyone that had risked their lives all of their lives for her, and she knew that it was all her fault for every death.
She closed her eyes and again lowered her head sobbing alone, all alone...again.
Wow I think its great. leaves me wanting to know more about what lead up to this
i love the idea for this. its short and filled with emotion. you gave a just of the setting but more would have been better. what did that world look like before everything was dead. small things smell, the wind, ect. i love this so much.
who could kill this? HAHAHA *tear.
keep up the good work
Great job first stories are always hard. I'm gonna get serious now. I was totally confused through the entire thing. The description isn't that great either. You need to up the description and try writing in first person it's easier. The first person perspective is easier it'll make writing more fun too.
Hello darling, my name is Jay! 
Well let's begin this review shall we!
Ha! Okay Well first Let me begin by saying YEAH YOU WROTE YOUR FIST STORY! WOOOO! CONGRATS!!! WOOOO! YEAH, UNICORNS AND STUFF.... WOOO! 
Okay let me put my serious face on now.
So in the reviews/comments above, you probably already know what is and can be fixed. I loved this story. Thought is was a good situation, a fantastic way of getting the idea's of the topic across. However... don't kill me now, but I feel like description and detail could of been added into the scenery and into the emotions of the character(s). Especially the character's detail in emotion and body language in the situations and environment. What I mean is like sweat, tension, and distress in the soul that is captivated in the main character's body when she looks out upon all of the slaughtered bodies of the people that once tried to protect her, whomever she is. B/c I mean come on she had to be someone with a lot of power to have that many guards, like the Kardashian's! jk.
Next I have to point out there are some grammatical errors but everyone else already explained that to you, so I won't waste my typing breath. Deal with it. jk.
Lastly, who is she? Who are these men? What else besides what you've written already can I come up with to give me a generalization to who they are, black hair, brown haired? Blue eyes, green eyes? muscular, rigid, or plump and toned? What is the environment like? Rocky ground that pierces her defined feet as she walks upon the unstable earth? Silky wind which swirls her hair in fistfuls and grazes her spine with it's feathery touch? or hot? (Sorry couldn't think of anything descriptive for that one. )
I loved the idea of this story though, thought it was good, and I thought that you did an amazing job for your very 1st story. So good job, I expect great things for you, and if you do so I will issue an acceptance letter from Hogwarts school of Wizardry and Magic to you, jk I don't have that power... I'm still waiting for my letter so... *bites nails*
Amazing job. Love it. Keep Writing.
Kk BYE!
-Jay.xx.
Here's a bit of a review for you!
Okay, first off! Woot, woot! Good job getting your writing out to the world, this showed the scene perfectly, the feeling of it all! Lovely wording and emotion!
But you have problems, I'm sad to say. (Remember, I'm a reviewer, don't take ANY of this seriously or personally! I'm just trying to help!)
First off: You should really put the first introduction paragraph in bold.
Second: It's advisable not to write in first person like this, it's better to use I. Really.
Grammar:
, review All you want! no loose ends.But don't kill me...
she could see onlythe deceased bodies
Her heart starts to pound as the mist starts to clear, and she can't find him.
“Don't worry who could kill this?” he gestured to himself, those had been his last words before he kissed her good bye to run out
Everyone starts to look the same blood stained everything, she searches for his bright blue tunic, she freezes staring at what looks like his blue tunic and him lying on someone.
walks forward she pulls him back
it is him her love, she collapses next to him hot tears start to stream down her flustered cheeks
him, He had always
him and too late,she hugs him close to her never
harder her body starting
She cries knowing
she buried her
the presents of someone
shamefully and slowly
pierced her heart she jerked
she looked around
all of their lives
for every death.
She closed her eyes and again lowered her head
I think that this kind of story would sound better in pas tens instead of present.
How would they have ALL risked there lives for her is she a princes or something.
Nice spelling and grammar and spelling for a first time try to you know i have a brother who is just like you he would never let anyone read his book.
Keep writing and good luck I hope you had a good Easter.
~Jon~
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