Everything is calm and very quiet, she steps out and looks around through the mist, she could see only the deceased bodies covering the earth, the earth that they had been trying to defend.
Her heart starts to pound as the mist starts to clear, and she can't find him.
“Don't worry who could kill this?” he gestured to himself, those had been his last words before he kissed her good bye to run out and defend her land, to take it all back for her.
Everyone starts to look the same blood stained everything, she searches for his bright blue tunic, she freezes staring at what looks like his blue tunic and him lying on someone.
She swallows hard and walks forward she pulls him back and sees that it is him her love, she collapses next to him hot tears start to stream down her flustered cheeks.
She turns him over and holds him in her lap and starts to rock him, He had always been there for her, she was here now for him and too late,she hugs him close to her never wanting to let him go again.
She starts to cry harder her body starting to shake as she let's her tears come down onto his dried tunic.
“Why?” She cries knowing that know one could hear, “Why him?” she buried her head in his blood stained tunic.
She feels the presents of someone she looks up and sees him staring down at her, she shamefully and slowly looks back down at her love's face.
The man looks at both of them and glares, “I told you so.” those words pierced her heart she jerked up but he had disappeared, she looked around at everyone that had risked their lives all of their lives for her, and she knew that it was all her fault for every death.
She closed her eyes and again lowered her head sobbing alone, all alone...again.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Wow I think its great. leaves me wanting to know more about what lead up to this
thanks! I'll figure it out~ I got it from music~ love listening to music!
i love the idea for this. its short and filled with emotion. you gave a just of the setting but more would have been better. what did that world look like before everything was dead. small things smell, the wind, ect. i love this so much.
who could kill this? HAHAHA *tear.
keep up the good work
thanks and I will, yeah I have another story that I am totally putting in Descriptoins! I'm learning more and practicing! so soon you might see another one, with more there
Great job first stories are always hard. I'm gonna get serious now. I was totally confused through the entire thing. The description isn't that great either. You need to up the description and try writing in first person it's easier. The first person perspective is easier it'll make writing more fun too.
Hello, yeah I know I will use more descriptons! this was something I came up with while listening to a song, and well I didn't really self edit it, but I will have more soon I think or hope, although I didn't write it in first person becuase I like third person and it's a bigger story with more people.
Hello darling, my name is Jay!
jk.
)
Well let's begin this review shall we!
Ha! Okay Well first Let me begin by saying YEAH YOU WROTE YOUR FIST STORY! WOOOO! CONGRATS!!! WOOOO! YEAH, UNICORNS AND STUFF.... WOOO!
Okay let me put my serious face on now.
So in the reviews/comments above, you probably already know what is and can be fixed. I loved this story. Thought is was a good situation, a fantastic way of getting the idea's of the topic across. However... don't kill me now, but I feel like description and detail could of been added into the scenery and into the emotions of the character(s). Especially the character's detail in emotion and body language in the situations and environment. What I mean is like sweat, tension, and distress in the soul that is captivated in the main character's body when she looks out upon all of the slaughtered bodies of the people that once tried to protect her, whomever she is. B/c I mean come on she had to be someone with a lot of power to have that many guards, like the Kardashian's!
Next I have to point out there are some grammatical errors but everyone else already explained that to you, so I won't waste my typing breath. Deal with it. jk.
Lastly, who is she? Who are these men? What else besides what you've written already can I come up with to give me a generalization to who they are, black hair, brown haired? Blue eyes, green eyes? muscular, rigid, or plump and toned? What is the environment like? Rocky ground that pierces her defined feet as she walks upon the unstable earth? Silky wind which swirls her hair in fistfuls and grazes her spine with it's feathery touch? or hot? (Sorry couldn't think of anything descriptive for that one.
I loved the idea of this story though, thought it was good, and I thought that you did an amazing job for your very 1st story. So good job, I expect great things for you, and if you do so I will issue an acceptance letter from Hogwarts school of Wizardry and Magic to you, jk I don't have that power... I'm still waiting for my letter so... *bites nails*
Amazing job. Love it. Keep Writing.
Kk BYE!
-Jay.xx.
Hey! and thanks for everything you said, I have taken in all the reviews! I really didn't have the time because well no excuse, Well one thing I'm not done with it, and it was my first draft now I know I'll wait a week before presenting it! and I will definitely use more descreption I knew I was missing a lot! so thanks!
Fantastic love!
I can't wait until it is finished!
Kk ByE!
Smile, it keeps the banana ninjas and the demons away.
-Jay.xoxo.
Banana ryhms with my name~
Here's a bit of a review for you!
Okay, first off! Woot, woot! Good job getting your writing out to the world, this showed the scene perfectly, the feeling of it all! Lovely wording and emotion!
But you have problems, I'm sad to say. (Remember, I'm a reviewer, don't take ANY of this seriously or personally! I'm just trying to help!)
First off: You should really put the first introduction paragraph in bold.
Second: It's advisable not to write in first person like this, it's better to use I. Really.
Grammar:
I'm Kidding! Not I'mKidding! Big N on 'no'. Space after the period before 'But'.
Space between 'only' and 'the'. 'Could' changes tense and should be 'can'.
You should use 'begins' instead of 'start's' (Twould sound better). Get rid of that 'and' and replace that comma with a semi-colon.
Exclamation point after 'worry' and large 'w' on 'who'. Large 'h' on 'he'.
He kissed her goodbye to run out? Needs different words!
Comma/period after 'same'. Period after 'tunic'. 'him lying on another corpse' maybe?
Comma or semicolon after 'forward'. Maybe period!
A colon after first 'him' and a period instead of a comma after 'love'. Large 's' on 'she'. I'm not sure 'flustered' is the right word here. Some description on his body might be appropriate here, little things like 'pallid face' and 'stiff body' help a lot!
Small 'h' here. But I think it would be better to just replace the comma with a period.
Some kind of punctuation is needed after the first 'him'. Period and space after 'late'. Comma after 'her'.
Comma after 'harder'.
Comma after 'cries'.
'buried' should be 'buries'. It changes tense. You also are using 'tunic' too much. Use 'bosom' or 'chest' or something!
I'm pretty sure you mean 'presence'.
These two words should be switched around.
Change of tense again. Should have used 'pierce'. Comma after 'heart' and 'jerks' instead of 'jerked'.
'looks' instead of 'looked'. Probably, 'all those' would be better even.
No need for this.
Or this!
'closes' and 'lowers' here! I think you should just change tenses. Your brain wants to for sure!
Okay, so that's your grammar, totally covered! Not much more to add!
As for the idea! There's not much to say so early on! But it seems interesting for sure, I'd read on if there was more!
Good work (Really, I'm not saying it to make you feel good! Good work!)
Keep it up! (Really, do keep it up!)
~Black~
HOLY COW! You're like my sister, every single thing talked about.
I like you, and by the way I wrote really fast and I was flustured myself in writing it, What I need to do is let it sit for a week, this is my first draft. Thanks for liking it, I'll try to make up more!
You should be more descriptive emotion wise. "palms sweaty" "eyes teary" etc
Thanks, and also this was my first draft so. thanks for the Addvice!
I think that this kind of story would sound better in pas tens instead of present.
How would they have ALL risked there lives for her is she a princes or something.
Nice spelling and grammar and spelling for a first time try to you know i have a brother who is just like you he would never let anyone read his book.
Keep writing and good luck I hope you had a good Easter.
~Jon~
Hey I had a very good Easter thank you. Suck up, just kidding~
This was my first draft, I will most likely next time to wait a week, and then send it in. Is your brother on this site?