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16+ Language

Love and Lies: Prologue

by CharlotteGrace


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

DEREK POV

"We need you to go undercover." I raised my eyebrown in show of surprise at the words that came out of my boss's mouth. I hadn't been undercover and was surprised that a more experienced agent was passed over for me.

"Why?"

"Magnum Tucker has been meeting with some real dirty criminals and there's talk of something big happening within the month." This wasn't a surprise. Magnum Tucker was one of the richest men in the country and his empire is infinite. There was no evidence in his criminal activity, but the fact that he was meeting with crime lords and mob bosses in recent years warranted the attention of the FBI.

"How? As you very well know, he's practically untouchable."

Agent Reynolds pointed his finger at me. "That's where we have him." He picked up a piece of paper and gave it to me. "This is Kesley America Tucker, his niece." I looked down at the picture and was struck silent. Her beauty was evident and her body was any man's wet dream. In the picture, she was walking down the street in a pretty spring dress. The pale blue complimented her creamy colored skin. Her dark hair was just below her shoulders and bangs touched her gorgeous green eyes. She was smiling and it looked genuine.

Then a thought struck me. "You want me to use her to get to her uncle." My gut twisted inside. It didn't sit right with me to use her like that.

"Yes," Reynolds must have seen the apprehension on my face. "Derek, listen. If you can pull this off and get the evidence to take down Tucker, you could have that promotion." Damn. He got me there. I'd been itching for the promotion to head agent for a while, and Reynolds knew that. I took another look at the picture of Miss Kelsey Tucker. The heart inside me knew this was wrong, but the brain knew that this could be a significant career boost.

In the end the brain won. "I'll do it."


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265 Reviews


Points: 106
Reviews: 265

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Mon Mar 11, 2013 5:30 pm
Nike wrote a review...



Hello.

When I was a child, I always always wanted to be a spy. But now, I still do. I usually watch movies about this not read books. The books about being a spy, I don't know. And the cliche part with the love story. How he has to use the girl to get evidence. I feel like there could've been something better with this. But, really, what else could you make out of a spy love story? Nothing really. The thing is, I liked what you wrote. All that stuff that I wrote above this is true, but your story made it okay and great. I want to read more.

I really want to see what happens in the story. I'm intrigued!

There are no spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes. From my end though, I don't see any.

I really want to read this story, it's biting at my skin. Add more! Keep writing! PM me for anything.

Nike :)




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303 Reviews


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Mon Mar 11, 2013 3:39 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Ahhhh . . . one of these spy/special agent stories.

They're really great!

Oaky, this really was a great intro, with just the kind of drop off and start that you really need for a good story!

Sadly though I've read stories with the EXACT same start as this one . . . :(

Make it original, give us a twist, surprise. Really, you want to give someone a good read, make it original! Otherwise the knowledge is just a kill-joy.

Your grammar is . . . perfect, if there are any mistakes, I'll leave it to someone else to nit-pick them out. I try not to be overly specific on grammar.

I'd advise making this a bit bigger and putting more detail in (I know I know, it's probably my stupid style just trying to be bossy, but maybe not!

Mess around with it, see what you can do. But really, details are important, in some stories you need less detail, in some more.

Make sure you provide plenty of back story and details in coming chapters before you hit your twist, otherwise the twist won't give me any 'feel'.

But, good work.
Muchly enjoyed this!

Keep writing!

~Black~




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Points: 790
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Mon Mar 11, 2013 7:44 am
troydenite wrote a review...



I haven't had the opportunity to look up the rest of this series yet, but I'll give this a shot. Right.

First of all, the first paragraph is slightly awkward - there's a confusing typo ('eyebrown' for 'eyebrow'), which can really throw people off, and the sentence is rather awkwardly phrased overall. Instead of 'raised an eyebrow in [a] show of surprise at the words that came out of my boss's mouth,' how about 'raised an eyebrow in [a] show of surprise at my boss' words'? It seems more direct and to-the-point, which might help the spy-like atmosphere a bit.

Secondly, Magnum Tucker's empire could not be literally infinite by any means - perhaps it could seem infinite, or just be very, very large, but just stating that 'it is infinite' seems oddly objective. Also, there shouldn't be a shift in tense there.

Thirdly... where are they, and what do they look like? I understand that this is a later companion work to your older one, but setting the scene wouldn't hurt - neither would fleshing out the two's appearances, either. Telling us where they are and what they look like, even if only in a few sentences, would help us visualize the scene much more efficiently, especially seeing as people tend to go for the prologue before the first chapter.

Aside from that, the rest of the piece is reasonably solid. There's a decent flow to Derek's narration, though nothing really interesting or riveting - he seems like Generic Spy Guy to me, unless I know nothing about his future character development in the following chapters, in which case I genuinely apologize.

Overall... you're getting there. I'm sure that you'll write much better than this in future, so don't give up at all - just keep on trucking, there's no place to go but up. This piece would already be much better with just a few minor tweaks and additions.

Yay, mixed metaphors!





A ruler leads by example, not force.
— Sun Tzu