Love and Lies: Chapter One

This was an interesting read. Unfortunately I can’t say that it was amazing. There are numerous writing and style critics that I have with it, some of which are personal.

First off, the beginning is far too normal and bland. “I sat at my normal sea in the diner.” There is nothing spectacular about that. The way I see it, the first sentence, or even the first couple paragraphs, is what captures the attention of your reader. If the beginning of your novel is boring and ordinary, what make your reader want to continue?

Your second sentence and your third sentence are polar opposites. One minute you’re saying it was a normal Tuesday night and then the next you’re saying it was different. What do you mean by that? Was Tuesday normal up until then? If so, elaborate a little. Not too much, but just enough to give your reader a bit of information. If it’s not relevant to your story, I suggest nixing it out altogether.

“He was gorgeous. He was tall, with pale skin…” I suggest rewording this to something like, “He was gorgeous, tall… etc.” Play with it a little to make it smoother.

“From the side, which is all I have ever seen of him…” So he hasn’t turned around at all? Not even while leaving the diner? And even if he never has turned around, a person it able to see more than just the side of a person.

Your mention of dark chocolate seemed randomly placed. I understand you’re implying that she went to the diner for chocolate, but that’s the only mention of it. You didn’t say anything like, “She went back to her chocolate cake.” Etc… you don’t have to elaborate on the type of chocolate or how it tasted or whatever, but some other mention of it would make your story flow better.

“… at the book I’d been reading, or not reading.” The ending seems unnecessary. You could say something like “the book I had been attempting to read.” It would make it sound more smooth.

Now on to Derek’s chapter…

I like the beginning to this one. It was catching. I like the hint that she needed to feel his presence at much as possible. Puts a mystery to it all.

However, your mention of the ENTIRE reason Derek was even stalking Kelsey is a BIG no-no. By stating his EXACT mission and EXACTLY what Magnum Paul Tucker is up to takes the complete mystery out of the novel. I suggest taking it out completely. Leave the mystery there. You want your readers to be curious enough to continue reading. If you give away your plot right then and there, you have no more mystery or even story to work with.

Other than those flaws, you have a decent story here. Keep writing, and good luck!

I'm baaaaack.

"KELSEY

I sat at my normal seat in the diner. It was just a regular Tuesday night. Except this one felt different. When I turned around I knew why. The man who had come in every night for the last week came in. He was gorgeous. He was tall, with pale skin, not sickly, but elegantly, and dark brown hair. From the side,which is all I have ever seen of him, he has a straight nose and strong cheekbones. His eyes were a dark brown, like dark chocolate, which come to think of it, was the whole reason I was here.

I turned my back to the mysterious man and looked down at the book I'd been reading, or not reading.

DEREK

I knew she watched as I walked in. The Rachel McAdams look-alike was curious. Which was good on my part. Kelsey America Tucker needed to feel my presence as largely as possible. I looked at the diner around me. I had been coming here for a week, hoping to establish some kind of connection with her, but all I got were questioning stares and quick glances.

I had to keep on with my original reason of seeking her out: to take down her uncle. Her uncle, Magnum Paul Tucker, was inviting dangerous crime lords and mob bosses into his home, which drew the attention of the FBI. Tucker was one of the most richest men in the city and we didn't want him to start funding the local crime groups. That would be our worst nightmare. I needed to start networking so it'd look like I was just any regular suitor.

I sat in a booth and the waitress who has been giving me googly eyes for the past week came immediately "Hello, again." She was perky, and persistent. She was a bottle blond, short and thin. What were girls saying these days? Petite, that was it. This girl was petite. She was almost like a pixie, opposed to Kelsey's tall, lean, and curvy body. Just thinking about her made me crazy with want. It was time to make a move.

I put on my most charming smile. "Can I ask you a question?" Her eyes widened and she nodded vigorously. "Who is that?" I pointed to Kelsey's back.

The waitress's face fell, but smoothed back out. Her only show of dis-contempt was a frown. "That's Kelsey Tucker, otherwise known as America, at least that's what Roger calls her. She comes in here every night, orders, talks to Roger, then leaves. It's like she doesn't sleep." The waitress obviously disliked Kelsey. I wondered why she hated her."



Alright, I don't know if the bold words worked or not, but you'll see it that I edited a few words that were cojumbled-up together.

This is a good start. I just don't like the fact he's being a bit creepy with the coming into the diner every night of one week. That's just me. And I want to know why she's there too. Why does the waitress hate her? It could come later in the story, these answers.

I just feel like he's being too creepy.

Keep Writing! PM me anytime!

Nike

Firstly, I noticed you switch back and forth between tenses, and I do this too so don't feel bad. For example, at first you said "the man HAD come in" but then you said "he HAS a straight nose" If you are using past tense switch has to had, if your using present, swich had to has. Seems interesting so far, but it doesn't really suck me in. Maybe if I knew why the waitress disliked Kelsey, or why these people were both there to see each other.

Everynight in the first paragraph should be every night.

Largelyas in the first paragraph after 'DEREK' I'm guessing should be large as???

Most richest in the second paragraph after 'Derek' should be just richest. it is improper to use most and -est together and most rich is not proper.

You need to use a space in between 'cameimmediatly' in the third paragraph after 'DEREK'

ofdis-contemptwas in the last paragraph should be of discontempt was although both discontempt and dis-contempt are not words.

'America,' in the last paragraph should be 'America;'