Young Writers Society

Hello.

When I was a child, I always always wanted to be a spy. But now, I still do. I usually watch movies about this not read books. The books about being a spy, I don't know. And the cliche part with the love story. How he has to use the girl to get evidence. I feel like there could've been something better with this. But, really, what else could you make out of a spy love story? Nothing really. The thing is, I liked what you wrote. All that stuff that I wrote above this is true, but your story made it okay and great. I want to read more.

I really want to see what happens in the story. I'm intrigued!

There are no spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes. From my end though, I don't see any.

I really want to read this story, it's biting at my skin. Add more! Keep writing! PM me for anything.

Nike

Ahhhh . . . one of these spy/special agent stories.

They're really great!

Oaky, this really was a great intro, with just the kind of drop off and start that you really need for a good story!

Sadly though I've read stories with the EXACT same start as this one . . .

Make it original, give us a twist, surprise. Really, you want to give someone a good read, make it original! Otherwise the knowledge is just a kill-joy.

Your grammar is . . . perfect, if there are any mistakes, I'll leave it to someone else to nit-pick them out. I try not to be overly specific on grammar.

I'd advise making this a bit bigger and putting more detail in (I know I know, it's probably my stupid style just trying to be bossy, but maybe not!

Mess around with it, see what you can do. But really, details are important, in some stories you need less detail, in some more.

Make sure you provide plenty of back story and details in coming chapters before you hit your twist, otherwise the twist won't give me any 'feel'.

But, good work.
Muchly enjoyed this!

Keep writing!

~Black~

I haven't had the opportunity to look up the rest of this series yet, but I'll give this a shot. Right.

First of all, the first paragraph is slightly awkward - there's a confusing typo ('eyebrown' for 'eyebrow'), which can really throw people off, and the sentence is rather awkwardly phrased overall. Instead of 'raised an eyebrow in [a] show of surprise at the words that came out of my boss's mouth,' how about 'raised an eyebrow in [a] show of surprise at my boss' words'? It seems more direct and to-the-point, which might help the spy-like atmosphere a bit.

Secondly, Magnum Tucker's empire could not be literally infinite by any means - perhaps it could seem infinite, or just be very, very large, but just stating that 'it is infinite' seems oddly objective. Also, there shouldn't be a shift in tense there.

Thirdly... where are they, and what do they look like? I understand that this is a later companion work to your older one, but setting the scene wouldn't hurt - neither would fleshing out the two's appearances, either. Telling us where they are and what they look like, even if only in a few sentences, would help us visualize the scene much more efficiently, especially seeing as people tend to go for the prologue before the first chapter.

Aside from that, the rest of the piece is reasonably solid. There's a decent flow to Derek's narration, though nothing really interesting or riveting - he seems like Generic Spy Guy to me, unless I know nothing about his future character development in the following chapters, in which case I genuinely apologize.

Overall... you're getting there. I'm sure that you'll write much better than this in future, so don't give up at all - just keep on trucking, there's no place to go but up. This piece would already be much better with just a few minor tweaks and additions.

Yay, mixed metaphors!