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by imyourdensity


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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:23 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Okay! Well, I'd say this is not really fit for a poem format. I think making this a prose essay would work really well. It's a powerful, intense subject, and you attacked it with enthusiasm (out of your anger), so I think it deserves some good consideration and essay-ify-ing. haha.

What I think it needs most is a little association to context. Writing about some creepy guy (I assume) trying to follow you isn't something everyone's experienced, so to really get that emotion across, you've got to branch out and bring in comparisons to things that might be more common for us to know or feel. What did it feel LIKE for you to see his face? I want to know and understand and feel that too, for this writing's sake, but you're vague. You say the look was shrewd. How? What on his face made it that? You say it turned your stomach, and that's a good visceral reaction, but give me more. What did your body feel like to have your stomach turn?

I especially want to know more about the fact that he did this three times in a row. Again, there's a difference between a guy offering a ride and pulling away, but he's being obviously creepy by trying over and over again.

Did you think about calling your dad? Did you have a phone? Could you have called him then? Do you think the phone would have scared this guy? Jolted him back to a reality where other people can judge the situation and call him out?

Give it some time, let it simmer, and then go at it again.
PM me if you have any questions about my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:23 pm
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dogs wrote a review...

Hello there Density! Dogs here with your review today. Ok, before I even start on the content of this piece, this poem was incredibly difficult to read because of the formatting. Your lines are far too long and it makes your piece difficult to get through. This seems more like a short story because of the long lines. Most of your lines are paragraphs in length, we really need to shorten those down. So let's take another look at the third stanza:

"You’ve ruined it.
A day at the cinema, on my own of course.
Because I hate it when my friends talk
during the best scenes.
It wasn’t even that great of a film,
nothing I’d remember forever,
but it’s ruined forever now because of you."

This is still rather rough spacing, but I think you can do a better job than I can. Basically you need to create smoother and shorter lines instead of long paragraphs and sentences. It makes your poem lose its smooth writing. I'm not going to correct the rest of your poem in terms of the spacing, because I know someone as talented as you can do that easily.

Ok, now that we've established that, let's move on to the content. When I read this piece, it just really sounds like a fourteen year old girl being a complete drama queen and complaining about nothing that should really "ruin her day." Make it clearer what the guy in the car really wants from you, I'm assuming that he particularly wants sex, but that wasn't really clear for the reader. Clarify that or whatever he wants from the narrator.

Try to find more of a purpose to this poem instead of just someone ranting about how her day sucks. You have some excellent and smooth writing in here, but try to clarify your meaning and shorten this piece up. I hope my comments were helpful, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury