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Untitled Project - Episodic

by Javshanidze

Jimmy meet Bogart at the park entrance. Bogart looks nervous. Jimmy hands him money.

"Here's your five dollars." Jimmy glances at Bogart and looks away.

"Don't be late again kid." Bogart grabbed his five dollars and putt it in the inner pocket of his coat. Jimmy stands still, looking somewhere far away, his eyes go trough park, buildings, passing city limits.

"What's wrong kid?" Bogart grabbs his arm.

"Nothing really... Just another shitty day, after of another shitty yesterday, and so on..." Jimmy isn't looking at the Bogart, just casting glances at empty streets.

"Kid, don't let your past failures haunt you, let them be a lesson for future, and let it go." Bogart turned around and pulled out an old dirty backpack from bushes.

"Well, that ain't easy." Jimmy stretched his arms.

"That's the right way to live, who said it's easy?"

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8 Reviews

Points: 440
Reviews: 8

Sat Mar 02, 2013 12:30 am
Tizpi wrote a review...

I'm totally confused... Is this just a part of something bigger? It seems a little random and bizarre. Well anyways, on to the review.

Your characters seem dull and boring. They seem like they are just dolls being played around with, not real people. They seem, relatively, like the same people. They both talk the same, their emotions are the same, other than one being like a normal bully.

Spell check, spell check, spell check. In the third paragraph you said 'putt' and unless Bogart has some type of accent you said, 'let them be a lesson for future' Should be let them be a lesson for THE future.

One last thing, you seem to be writing in fractured sentences: 'Jimmy meet Bogart at the park entrance. Bogart looks nervous. Jimmy hands him money.' You could probably make that into a sentence or two. :)

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1314 Reviews

Points: 23411
Reviews: 1314

Fri Mar 01, 2013 2:36 pm
Hannah wrote a review...

I don't understand what this is meant to be. I guess in a serious of other scenes with these characters it would make sense, but this doesn't even seem to be a whole scene in itself. There's no full movement. You cut it off half way, maybe 'cause you think it makes it feel artsy or truer, but what it does, at least as I read it, is hollow out these characters and make them seem like empty vessels to carry your words. I want people. I want people meeting at a part and exchanging money and some words they maybe read somewhere. I want real people who say things and then go on to do whatever they have to do together or maybe apart, go eat something and mix ketchup with hot sauce or some specific habit they have that makes them real. I don't want vessels. You wanna talk to me, just say it to me.

Other than that, what you gotta do is proofread your writing. *put, *through in the paragraph that starts "Don't be late".

What's good about this is that you have me wondering. I wanna know about the life beyond this half-scene, beyond these few lines of dialogue. Who are these people and what kind of relationship do they have that one can say to the other, "don't be late", and late for what? So as dissatisfied as I am now, I still want to read good stuff about them.

This was a short piece, so this is a short review. If you have questions or want to talk more about my review, send me a PM. Keep writing. I may wander over to one of the related pieces I see on the sidebar. Lemme know on my wall if you'd like me to check out any specific one. c:

Javshanidze says...

This is just a little episode from a whole big thing you may not like even more ^_^ : Chapter 1 - work.php?id=99153
Chapter 2 - work.php?id=99487

“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken