Young Writers Society

First, Hello there! And Wow.. just wow.. I love mermaids and this was just, well awesome C:

It had a good build up to the end. It left me wanting to read more.

"There's a mythology
if a virgin were to drown,
she'd reborn as mermaid"

Honestly, I had a bit of a laugh at this one, its so good, I love it!

Thanks for making something fun and interesting to read.
Continue the good work!

~ WitnerBites

The entire poem is like a build-up, and then you flash the punchline at the end, giving the reader a quick, but enjoyable, moment of clarity.

I like the structure, and the flow of the words was excellent.



So I guess no one dies a virgin, for life ravages us all.

I'm half delirious from being sick, so this isn't a review. And I'm terrible at reviewing free-verse poetry. I was intrigued by the title, and I don't really know much about mythology at all, so is this a real mythology? About if a virgin drowns, they become a mermaid? Or did you fabricate it? It sounds interesting, either way.

I like the structure. It looks like waves, or tails of mermaids. I also like the last stanza. It differs from the rest of the poem, structure wise and word wise. Good job.

Hi there, Audy.

Oh my lord. Yes. This poem. Yes.

Gosh. It's so-- I could sing its praises for hours. Your descriptions are great, your ending is awesome, and the format is beautiful. You're quite a poet.

But while this poem is wonderful, there is still room for improvement (not much room, mind you, this is darn good).

told to go marry
make babies
but don't tread alone in the dark.

There's a mythology

she'd reborn as mermaid

her body corseted
and her tail an anchor

The war is her body
half fish and human.

Hello there Audy! Tucker here with your review today . I think this piece was just wonderful, I loved your description and writing this poem. I think the topic is brilliant and just has so much potential, which you indeed bring to the fullest. I really do enjoy the formatting you used in this piece, it creates a visually impressive sight, outside of the conventional "line/ line/ line/ line." Although, there are a few lines that bug me a little. Let's dive in now shall we?

I like the start of the piece, certainly you have a great starting line to lead the reader into the piece. Although, at least this was my interpretation, that people don't ever die a virgin anymore because of the disintegrating ethical values of society. If that's the case (correct me if I'm wrong) than you should slightly change the intro to something like: "My women used to fall..." Minor nit picky thing but it was bugging me a tad.

Once you move into the entire bit about the mermaid and that description... spot on, just spot on. I really loved reading that. I also really like the third stanza until you say:

"The war is her body/ half fish and man"

This seems a little out of place, specifically the "man" bit of this line because you have already clearly stated that this is a woman that's made into a mermaid instead of a man. So than, edit this line so that it is insinuating half fish and woman instead of "man." Yes "man" can be used a generalization for the human population, but I think in this case you should keep to the woman side of things.

The fourth stanza is pretty darn good, although you say: "and masticates fish bones,/ pierces a wound..." some of the plurals and tenses of this line is totally taking me for a spin. I think maybe it should be "masticate" instead of "masticates." Also, maybe you should say "piercing a wound" instead of "pierces." That's the only bit where I was a little confused.

All and all just an excellent piece, man oh man, two poems in a row by you that's one a like off of me. Quite a rare occurrence indeed! I love you writing as always Audy, you're an amazing poet and you never cease to amaze. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

The first part of this seems somewhat disconnected from the second part of it. I don't really see how this section about the women being told to go home and raise babies relates to the myth about the drown virgins. The strangest part of that stanza is the first line however.
"My women seem to fall from the sky" suggests to me that the speaker is a male. 'My' indicates a possessiveness from the speaker, and I don't often see that from females to other females. The thought crossed my mind about a lesbian perspective, but it seems that she would include herself in women if that was the case, instead of saying my women. This seems to contradict the gender of the rest of the poem. I don't often hear men saying that women have been told by some mysterious guide to go make babies, keep house, and walk in packs. I hear this frustration about womenhood more commonly from the feminine point of view.

After that first stanza, which should just be cut in my opinion, we get this beautiful myth being retold. Perosnally I think you should dive into this further. Take on the point of view of a drown virgin, or play more of this story out. I don't like the line saying that this is a myth that is told. I think it really undercuts the story's last couplet, of the mermaids being dead. Saying it's a myth is saying that they were never alive. Instead, lead the reader to believe that in this world, mermaids were alive.

How you describe the body of a mermaid is really wonderful. I like the imagery of a metal chastity belt being this new limb that they have gained, however, I am confused about the ideal mermaid. Ideally, she is born toothless? Why do we care if she was born toothless if she can grow them? Why is this feature important to the story when she has to chew fish bones? Where did the wound come from? I really think this stanza starting at Ideally needs some attention. I would love to see you write it out into lots of smaller waves with more details.

The last two lines, the couplet, really are great. I love how it draws us back to reality of these mermaids being virgins who have drown. There are so many reasons why they could be extinct. My favorite is that there are no virgins any longer. Nothing in the world is pure, so there can be no mermaids.