Young Writers Society

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That was a twisty and turn poem very much!

Jack here for a review.

Ok I love this, it really sent me on a twist and I was really interested on how this was going, I really felt the emotion in this, and the deep connection the boy and the girl had in this poem, and I thought that you portrayed tis expertly, there isn't really anything I think that you could fix, but I felt that I had to leave my point, because this was a wonderful story.

SO this is a thumbs up from me, for such a great poem/story, and I hope to read more of your works soon, because you have a very good talent!

Jack

Why didn't she call the police? That really bothered me. Also the idea of him standing there texting as he is considering suicide didn't resonate with me. Maybe he could be considering cutting himself or some other form of suicide. Just picturing him on the ledge, phone out texting kind of took the power away from the poem. However, these are just my criticisms, overall I think it's really good

Hello!

FIRST OF ALL, i would like to say that, this poetry is different and wonderful. to be honest, i never have seen such poetry in my life, i don't read poems much and don't write as well (i have tried to do some writing, but, those ended up being a mess! )

And, Danny and Kelly, when i was reading for a moment, i thought D has died! But, huhh! He hasn't! This is a cool one, kinda romantic, i don't mind that, it's good.
I never experienced such thing, if i ever had, probably I'd get a heart attack! Especially when D was freaking silent!

Anyway, I don't think it's a review. it's just review sized comment!

You did a good work. Keep writing! STAY BLESSED

Hello, FancyDragon! I've come to review!

First of all, I really like the time progression you use: it makes it feel like it's happening right at this moment. Also, I really appreciate the subject matter and how you handled it. You didn't romanticize it, you just gave the honest truth.

That being said, I think this could be changed quite dramatically for the better with a few small tweaks.

First of all, the format. On YWS, to make single spaces, you must hold shift when you press enter. When you want to begin a new stanza, you simply press enter. I suggest creating a new stanza before every time that you put.

I don't think the bold is working. Try putting it in italics instead so it doesn't pop out quite as much. Also, perhaps indent it a bit to show that it is different from the rest of the piece. Try omitting the identification before the line as well (i.e. Danny:, D:). See how that looks to you. I think it would look a lot more streamlined and polished. As for the texts of the narrator, you could choose to put them in italics as well and remove the identification. Just indent them more than the other person's texts.

This is quite long, and I suggest you squish it down a bit. Instead of asking rhetorical questions, use an image or metaphor that conveys what the narrator (while this is in second person, I'm counting the girl as the narrator) is feeling at that point. Metaphor and simile convey much more than a rhetorical question.

The exquisiteness of things is sometimes in their omission. What I'm saying is, don't be blunt. Avoid the topic. Don't say some things. That way, the reader will be forced to infer what you're talking about exactly and be more engaged. For example, instead of saying

D: I can’t handle it anymore
D: All I want to do is jump
D: It will be better for everyone.

You start bombard them with reasons why you’ll miss them

Hey, FancyDragon.

So, wow, ummmm.... This made me really sad. It was amazing. Its formatting was very unique. This is the first time I've seen a poem like this actually work out. The passing of time you put (12AM) in-between lines kind of creates a tension. As I read through the poem, I was so afraid to see the ending, because what if D died? That's all I was thinking.

This is really similar to me and my Bf's situation a long time ago. He wanted to suicide, and welllllllllll hahaha, that's where the similarity ends, I guess...? (no comment). So, anyway, I could really relate with this poem, a lot. They seem to care about each other very much, and you did a wonderful job of showing that.

Just ONE thing to point out (I really don't want to ruin this beautiful piece of art). In the middle, you kind of go into plural terms, 'they.'

[Your friend stops reading your texts

They stop replying

That’s when your stomach drops

Thinking the worst

You picture awful things]

If the friend is only one person, wouldn't it be he/she? Just wondering.

Thank you for posting this wonderful work on YWS. I really thank you. When a poem can make somebody feel something, that means it's good (as long as that feeling is not an obligation to yell at the author...), right? It made me feel sad, and something I can't even describe... Wow, so this poem was good. You should be really proud of it.

Keep on writing, Mephis