A/N: Before you start reading, make sure that you check out my friend @JamesHunt. He's a really skilled writer with great advice and amazing knowledge of the English language. He's also pretty helpful. Ok, now you can read. :)
Sapphire and I set off from the castle, up the long pathway, and back towards the town. We didn't speak much, although it was a comfortable silence. We appeared to both be caught up in our thoughts. I wondered whether or not King Blastoise liked having me around.
"Probably not," I thought to myself. "Why else would he have sent me out of the room to talk to Sapphire alone? Then again, he did trust me to be alone with Sapphire. Or did he trust her to be alone with me?"
Alone with Sapphire. My train of thought faltered for a second as I thought of those three words. I looked down at my feet. That thought bothered me, but I could not tell if it was in a good way, or a bad way. It felt as if I were doing something wrong, but also something right. I recalled stories about these feelings. You could always tell that the character experiencing these feelings was in love, even though they didn't realize it themselves until halfway through the story. Wait... was I in love? I snickered out loud at the thought.
"How ridiculous! I only just met her an hour ago!" I thought to myself, chuckling as I walked.
Sapphire must have heard me, because I glanced to my left, and she was looking at me as if to say;
"Are you feeling alright?"
I felt my face grow hot and looked at the ground again. However, I continued to laugh quietly, as the thought was unbearably funny.
Eventually, we reached the town again.
"Well, I guess if I'm going to show you around, this would be the place to start." Sapphire said. "You probably know this by now, but this is what we call the Town Square. I know what you're thinking, it looks like a human-made village, doesn't it? That's because it was built by humans. Don't worry though, they're all gone now."
I looked at Sapphire curiously, silently asking for a history lesson.
"You see, hundreds of years ago, this land was teeming with life and natural resources, as it is in the areas outside the town today. It was a place in which a civilization could thrive. In secret, if they had to. The humans took notice of this and decided to capitalize on the opportunity. They built the buildings in this square, and the castle along with it's path." They even built the large fire pit over there, for dark evenings."
At this, Sapphire indicated, with a wave of her arm, the large pit in front of the Pokémon Hospital.
"How did I not notice that before?" I asked myself.
Sapphire continued her story.
"Yes, it was probably one of the greatest places on Earth for a species to live and enjoy life, free from danger. Unfortunately for the humans, they didn't know that there was a side-effect to all their construction. They were chopping down trees and decimating the forest, killing off it's natural resources. They were also destroying the homes of thousands of Pokémon. If nothing was done, the humans would have destroyed the whole forest, and made the Pokémon living there homeless."
"So what did the Pokémon do?" I asked.
"They mounted a counter-offensive." Sapphire said, looking off into space. "They did not want to endanger their own lives to stop the humans, but it got to a point where something needed to be done. Therefore, the forest's Pokémon gathered together. Rivals became friends, all the types united, and blood feuds were put on hold to stop the crisis. As one, the Pokémon planned and executed an attack on the town. Many lives were lost, both of Pokémon and human. Eventually, though, the humans were driven out of the forest, and because the forest was so thick, they never found their way back. Victorious, the Pokémon seized control of the town, with the intention of destroying it. However, it was not possible. They could not set fire to the town, as they'd burn down the entire forest, and they couldn't destroy the buildings with brute force, either, as rubble in the forest would stop the flow of nature. Therefore, the Pokémon made a compromise, and destroyed as many buildings as they could, where natural vegetation could grow over the rubble. Today, all that remains of that large town is this Town Square, and the castle, along with it's pathway."
"Wow..." I murmured.
Sapphire laughed.
"Mesmerized, are we?" she asked, teasing me.
"Yeah, that's so cool! So, wait, what do you use these buildings for?"
"Well, Pokémon are Pokémon, and even with these buildings here, we continue to live in our natural environments, however, we did find a great use for these buildings."
We began to walk up the line of buildings, Sapphire pointing out each building along the way.
"This is the Pokémon Hospital, where Chancey treats injured Pokémon. That's the Shop, where the extremely creative Pokémon around here have taken to creating human inspired things, like chocolate and home appliances. The electric types have even figured out how home electricity works, so we've got our own supply of ever-lasting electricity, which fills every building with light!"
"What happened to the whole "living naturally" thing?" I asked sarcastically.
"Pokémon, like people, are innovative. We have the abilities and 'Monpower to build and create things to make life easier for us. Some Pokémon have actually given into the whole civilization thing, and have taken up residence in the buildings. Dad, myself, and the castle caretakers are among them. We live up at the castle."
"So, if your dad lets me stay, I'll be staying in one of these buildings, right? I asked.
"No, all these buildings are full. You'd be staying with us, up at the castle for three days. Maybe longer, if we still don't have something figured out for you."
I nodded. This all seemed so amazing. Pokémon with the capability to learn and develop from what humans began. I knew we were smart, but this was beyond belief. Sapphire showed me some more buildings - most of them being houses - until we reached the outskirts of the town, and stood in front of a tall, black gate. The gate read "Meadow" in big, gray letters.
"Here's where things delve back into the natural part of the kingdom." Sapphire said. "You may have noticed these gates around town."
In fact, I hadn't.
"The Pokémon here, while creative and innovative, are not like humans in the sense that we understood long ago that everything is great in certain limitations. We realized that if we did not find a way to connect our natural roots with the town, we would be just as bad as the humans that came in the first place. Therefore, we decided to build these gates, as points of reference as to when you're leaving the town and going into a more natural setting. They also stand as reminders to not become too modernized, or we will no longer be Pokémon, but people. There are many gates around town, each leading to a different habitat, where Pokémon live in the wild. Each area is designated for certain types. This area, the Meadow, is used mostly by Normal and Grass type Pokémon."
Sapphire walked through the gate and beckoned me to follow. We stepped into a large flat grassland where herds of Tauros could be seen grazing and Bunnelby were visible hopping through the grass. Sapphire inhaled a deep breath of fresh air.
"I love it here." she said, exhaling the air. "The meadow is a great place to come if you just want to get some fresh air or relax. Plus, the Pokémon here are friendly, so there's no real danger in coming here no matter what type you are."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked. "There are Pokémon that won't let you into these habitats depending on what type you are?"
"Well, the habitats are supposed to be areas where any Pokémon of the kingdom can visit and enjoy nature, but they have really become areas to prevent the blood feuds among Pokémon from erupting into chaos." she replied. "It's become an unofficial rule that types will stay in their own habitats, or converge in the Town Square, as certain types - especially type opposites - are considered unwelcome among each of the habitats."
"Can't you do anything about it?" I asked, feeling suddenly like being here was a bad idea.
"My father has been trying to stop the Pokémon from fighting with each other for years. We've seen some improvements. For example; the Meadow here has become a friendly area for all types to visit. But don't worry about being seen outside your designated type area. As long as you're with me, you can go anywhere."
"Do they have a designated Fire type habitat?"
"Of course. They have one for all eighteen types."
We walked for a couple minutes, taking in the sights of the Pokémon and the meadow itself. I glanced over at Sapphire at one point and saw her grinning deviously, as if she were planning something. I was about to ask her what it was, when she reached over to me, tapped my shoulder, and ran off yelling;
"Tag! You're it!"
I stood frozen in place for a split-second. I was surprised at the sudden move, but if she wanted to play a game, I'd give her a game. I took off after her. Sapphire ran as fast as she could to get away from me, but even with the head start she had, I was faster. I sprinted after her as quickly as my legs could carry me, feeling the wind rushing against my face. It was such a liberating feeling. I looked over to my right and saw four Tauros running in a group some way off.
"I guess that's why they love it here." I said to myself.
I came up behind Sapphire and tagged her, never slowing down.
"Not fair! You're faster than me!" she yelled, panting to get breath and trying to catch up."
Over my shoulder I yelled back;
"Then take off your shell! It's weighing you down!"
"If I took off my shell, I'd be naked!" she yelled back.
"That's not my problem!" I shouted, and continued running.
Sapphire and I eventually came back to the town. We were both sweaty, smiling, and laughing. That had been a great run. Sapphire looked up at the sky and took note of the sun's position.
"Looks like the day is only half over. We can hit one more habitat today if you want." she said to me.
Still energetic from the run, I looked over, smiled, and said;
"Sure! Let's do it!"
Sapphire looked back at me and we both laughed. Whether it was by fate or chance, I'd stumbled across this magnificent kingdom, and I didn't want to continue my search for somewhere to stay. I'd found a place that could easily become a home, and a Pokémon that could easily become my best friend.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Back again! What a coincidence.
Now then... where should I start?
There are a few spots where several sentences, all in a row, begin with the exact same word. I know this is just something that happens in first-person, but I'm sure there is a way to fix it. (Also, the nice thing about not repeating first words is that you can then do it on purpose to give emphasis.)
I think you could use a booster on poetic device. (Hunter is like the king of poetic device and metaphors and everything, so ask him about that. Not me.) Also, you may want to spice up your verb choices. Hunter has picked out interesting verbs in my own writing, and most of them occur in places where you wouldn't think the verb has anything to do with the words around it, but makes perfect sense in context. I know you have a very straight forward style, but I think some dramatic effect would do you some good.
Going on...
I'm going to say straight out that I love how whimsical this piece is. You could have made this story much darker, and I know that it may get there, but I'm a huge sucker for sweetness and fun and everything nice. The fact that you've kept it light-hearted will provide a lot of contrast when and if things do get serious.
Second, I'm glad that you make your characters' emotions obvious. I've gotten complaints before on my roundabout way of doing things, so there must be something to learn from here.
Ta ta for now!
-Buggie
I'll definitely be looking to expand my verb usage in the future. I'm constantly checking them now to be sure I have contrast. As for poetic device, that's a brilliant idea! I'll search for opportunities to make metaphors in my future writing. Thanks!
Hello, and sorry I've taken so long! Now allow me to skip the excuses and get with the review, shall I?
Oh dear, your story, this world you've created is absolutely amazing! I've read this over twice now, and I can still say I've nothing to be disappoint in! I enjoy in particular how you've developed the relationship between Char (His name was Char, right? I've forgotten...) and Sapphire in such an appropriate manner. Quick and sweet, because they're children! It's perfect, and I applaud you for executing that so well! I also like how you gave this world of yours a backstory that was clear and easy to follow. No more must I wonder what happened to those filthy humans.
I shall skip the nitpicking because I can see that @AstralHunter already hit you with their magnificent reviewing skills, so I shall save the repeat.
Finally, I think I'll end by saying that it's very clear that you put 200% care into this story, a lot more than I did when I first began mine. I know it'll get even better. I guess I'll find out soon, because I won't sleep until I catch up. Again, sorry for the delay.
~The dark one
Haha! Great to see you again Dark. Actually, I have a proposition for you. I'll be posting something on your wall, so be sure to check it out.
Salutations, my friend.
Before I start, thank you for that recommedation in the author's note - I really do appreciate it. I shall return the favour some day soon...
Anyway, I see I can still give you a Green Room Review - yay! I am quite excited about this novel, and the sooner I can review it, the happier I am. I use different formats in my reviews for different people, but I shall continue employing the one I have used in your previous chapters, so as not to inconvenience you.
My legend:
red - correction
orange - suggestion
green - addition
blue - removal
I am uncertain about the commas, but they don't seem to interrupt the flow of the sentence and they have been used correctly, as far as I can tell, so I really cannot see anything wrong with this sentence. A good opening.
I understood perfectly what you had meant when you wrote "a comfortable silence" but I believe using the suggested adjective communicates the nature of the silence better.
Yesterday, I did some extensive research on circumlotion, since I tend to be long-winded, and it has given me considerable insight. You see, we often employ more words in our speech and writing than we have to, but this is to our disadvantage; while shortened sentences still convey the same message as their original version, they are far more effective and powerful. In light of that, I think your sentence should undergo some revision.
If somebody appears to be caught up in their thoughts, they normally are, so why bother adding it? By removing that one unnecessary word, the whole sentence structure changes and you lose the infinitive as well, which shortens the sentence even further. Here is what the new sentence would look like:
You see? The sentence is now much more powerful, not only because it is shorter, but also because the presence of "appears" gives an atmosphere of uncertainty to the sentence. Are they caught up in their thoughts, or are they not? By saying they "were" caught up in their thoughts, the sentence immediately becomes more definite and you say that's the way it is, no discussion.
This is a mistake I have made an innumerable amount of times. After discussing circumlotion, Graham King provided a list of common examples and their shortened counterparts - "whether or not" was one of those, and it makes perfect sense. Read the above-mentioned sentence again, but without the "or not". See how the same meaning is still communicated? Other common examples of circumlotion are "inside of" and "in between" - the words not in italics are enough. And speaking of enough, "sufficient" and "enough" mean exactly the same thing, so please don't commit the sin of saying "sufficient enough"; it is "enough" to make my skin crawl.
The reason you placed the quoted text in italics is to indicate it is a thought. Why then do you have to add "I thought to myself"? It's not like you can think something to someone else (unless you are a Psychic type, but don't digress), so why say "to myself"? Actually, why add that entire part at all? The italics already tell us that it's a thought, so you don't have to as well. Moreover, we traditionally do not place thoughts in inverted commas.
Once again, circumlotion. You have already established the reader's attention on "Alone with Sapphire" by repeating it outside of the thought, so you do not have to reference it again.
You should try to keep your writing as uniform as possible.
Like I said earlier, you have already established the reader's attention on the concerned thought, so it is not necessary to do so again.
I think by now you know why I would advise removing something. And remember, no inverted commas for thoughts.
She wasn't actually saying it, so it doesn't need to be in a parahraph of its own.
"Blah, blab, blah," he asked/she said/they called are always preceded by commas - we use full stops only if the text outside the dialogue does not directly refer to the dialogue, e.g. "It was nothing." He turned around and winked. "Or was it?"
It was quitte intrigued when I first discovered this: Pokémon can construct buildings on their own. Specifically certain Fighting types. Pokémon such as Timburr and its Stage 1, Gurdurr, can often be seen aiding humans at construction sites, and its Stage 2, Conkeldurr, is thought to have taught humans how to mix concrete thousands of years ago.
Spoiler
There also other Pokémon who help with construction, such as Machop (and Machoke + Machamp), who helps to carry around building materials, and Drilbur's Stage 1, Excadrill, along with Bunnelby and Diggersby who would help with the excavation and clearing of construction sites. So, if the Pokémon really wanted to expand their settlement, or if some of the buildings require repairs, they would be more than able to do so. However, there is nothing wrong with the Pokémon living in a manmade settlement.
I don't always have to comment, do I?
While the Pokémon Center is a hospital, it is not called one.
Certain Grass type Pokémon, such as Shiftry and Trevenant, are well known for being guardians of the forest, so I assume they would rally the other Pokémon and then return to their homes deep in the forest after they have dealt with the matter.
Perhaps you could modify this part to include something about the Pokémon I had mentioned in my previous comment? Instead of using the forest's size as a reason for humans no longer plaguing the forest, you could say Shiftry and Trevenants prevent the humans from entering the forest again.
Well, that is one aspect of the franchise the creators have avoided exploring thus far: reproduction. We know there are male and female Pokémon, and we know they come from eggs, but do you ever see the Pokémon interacting in such a way to bring forth the Pokémon? I don't think so. And besides, Pokémon don't even wear clothing, so they are always naked.
The story is progressing excellently! However, there are still a couple of matters I would like to discuss. Firstly, the habitats. Sapphire has said there is one for every type, but not all Pokémon of the same type live at the same place. For example, certain water type Pokémon would prefer to live in fresh water ponds or lakes, whereas others would prefer living in the ocean. However, it is not always as simple as that. If you take the grasslands, for example, the problem becomes much more complicated. Not only do Grass and Normal types live in grasslands, but many Flying, Fire, Poison and Electric Types do as well. That brings me to the second matter.
What do the Pokémon eat? On the cards and in the Pokédexes they mention the word "prey" quite a lot, which indicates Pokémon often eat each other. I shall continue with the grasslands to explain. You see, Pokémon such as Luxray use thermal vision to track and hunt down prey. A Luxray's prey would probably be something like a Sawsbuck or a Gogoat, so if those Grass types are in a separate habitat, what is Luxray, as well as the countless other predators, supposed to eat? In the anime, Pokémon are mostly shown eating pellets which resemble dog food. The animals are all Pokémon, but obviously not all plants are Pokémon. If that is the case, do your Pokémon mostly grow crops and then eat that? That would satisfy most Pokémon, but not the hunters, so unless you have an appropriate substitute, you may have a slight problem.
So, those are all of the issues of which I am aware. You are taking the time to explain in detail how the story's setting came to be, and that is admirable. Many other writers come up with the stories simply for the fun of it, but these stories are often well thought out. As a result, your novel/la is the first Pokémon fanfiction I have encountered which has a predetermined setting and plot, and therefore actually has structure. I can truthfully say your fanfiction is the best I have ever read, not only because of the above-mentioned aspects, but also because I can see you want to improve your work and you want your talent to grow. You are the first who has the potential to rise above the status of amateur author, and if you continue like this, you will achieve the recognition you deserve.
I hope to read your next chapter soon, but when you tag me in future, do it on your wall - it won't register if you do it in your work. Anyway, until next time!
Wow. What an amazing review. You don't know how much it means to me to hear - or read - those words. Because of the YWS' weird tendency to erase long replies, expect a message detailing everything I want to say sometime in the near future.
I shall do so, but if it helps, you can always copy your text before you post it, and if the comment does not appear, then you simply paste it and try again. (Or you can post the comment in sections.)
I know but every time I tell myself to do that, I end up forgetting and regretting!
Hi. I like your story idea but there are a few things I want to address.
At first I was kind of confused because he kept saying Pokémon. This would make me and others think it was a human speaking, not a fellow Pokémon. In real live we don't present other people by saying humans. Just something to think about.
Another thing is the way you focus on the "love". I don't think this should be mainly based on love. There can be many other conflicts that can make this story better. One last thing, why did she tag him? That seemed a little unnecessary in the story. Your spelling is good just make sure you don't have any typos.
The over all story is fantastic. Your spelling is good just make sure you don't have any typos.
That's odd. I looked through it and never saw any typos. Secondly, the love aspect of it is, as you said, not a very prevalent feature in the story, but that's because when stories are strictly about love, they tend to be boring, so I'm adding an intricate storyline. Also, Sapphire tagged Char because she's a very spontaneous Pokemon and the Meadow is the place to be to run. Lastly, I use the term Pokemon a lot to differentiate, so readers know when I'm talking about people or Pokemon. Plus, using "we" a lot is not very fluent. Thanks for your review!
Your welcome. Thanks for clearing things up.
Of course! Your opinion is much appreciated!