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Young Writers Society



Asenath:Tears on the Sand Chapter 30

by Aravis10


XXX

She pushed her palms forcefully into the sticky dough. She poured out all her frustration onto the dough, kneading it with intensity.

Six months! He will hardly talk to me. And he set that guard by Simeon’s cell. It’s like we are walking in opposite directions.

She glanced at her sons drawing on the dirt floor of the kitchen with sticks.

And they are stuck right in the middle.

She refused to let the tears come. Salt would ruin the precious bread.

The cook caught the previous batch of loaves as they peeled off the sides of the rounded oven. The warm, inviting smell of newly baked bread filled the room. Manasseh and Ephraim were at the cook’s side in an instant.

“Can I have one?” Manasseh asked.

“No,” the cook scowled.

Ephraim reached for one of the loaves. “Ow!” he yelled, pulling his hand back.

“That is why you should listen to your elders,” Asenath said. “When you disobey, you get hurt. Let me see it.”

He held out his pointer finger and thumb. Little red blotches were on both of them.

“Run your fingers under cold water. That should do it, dear.”

Msrah suddenly barged in. “My lord says to kill the calf and prepare a feast. He is having important foreign company for lunch at noon.”

Asenath squinted into the sun. “Noon? Not much time to prepare a feast.”

Msrah shrugged. “Master’s orders.” He left as quickly as he had come.

The cook grabbed her favorite towel for whacking the kitchen girls. “You heard the man! A feast in only a few hours. I’ll finish the bread. The rest of you-get to work!”

Foreign company? He didn’t tell me of any company. Of course, he doesn’t tell me anything anymore.

“Cook?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Make sure to have the calf roasted with cumin and two lambs and two ducks, if you have any. Don’t spare on the wine, leeks, or melons, but don’t serve the goats. And be careful with the honey. The supply is running low.”

“Yes, my lady. Hear that! Cumin with the beef,” she yelled.

“Thank you. Boys, let’s go see who our guests are.” They jumped up and followed her to the upper portico.

“Who do you think it will be?” Manasseh asked.

“Wild men from across the Great Sea with long spears and red faces!” Ephraim exclaimed pretending to smear paint on his face.

“Or merchants from Punt with lion skins!” Manasseh cried.

Asenath smile at their game. “Or princesses from…” She stopped as she pulled back the thick curtains from the portico.

They’re back!

Joseph’s brother anxiously gazed about the dry courtyard. They seemed to have more flesh on their bones this time, but their faces were gaunt with worry. Levi, the brother closest to Simeon in age, glared angry at the guards who closed the gate behind them. Their slaves unloaded boxes and jars from their camels under the commanding gaze of Judah. Msrah opened the containers one by one. Honey, pistachios, almonds, myrrh, balm!

What a risk to bring all those over the desert! Must really want to get Joseph’s favor.

One of the burlier brothers helped a teenager who Asenath had not seen before off a camel. Though Joseph’s brothers had the build and simple clothing of shepherds, this one had neither. His features were delicate, and his skin was fair. He wore a long royal blue and deep green striped robe, fit for a shepherd king.

She gasped as he turned his face towards her. Other than his weak frame, he was the exact image of a younger Joseph!

This must be Benjamin.

Benjamin was Joseph’s only full brother and also his father’s treasure by the way his half-brothers treated him-very carefully.

Her sons peeked out from behind her legs. “Where are they from?” Manasseh asked.

“That one kinda looks like poppa,” Ephraim said.

She closed the curtains and gently pushed them away from the opening. “No one important. Just shepherds.”

Manasseh wrinkled his nose. “Ew! Shepherds!”

“Grandfather was a shepherd,” Ephraim noted.

“But he lives far away. Now, run along and play in your room with Reziya until I fetch you.”

“But I want to have lunch with the shepherds,” Ephraim whined.

“No, they are your father’s business, not ours. You need to obey.”

“I’d rather have lunch in our room than with dirt old shepherds. Come on,” Manasseh said, heading down the hall. Ephraim gave his uncles one last wistful look then followed his brother.

Asenath watched Benjamin walk among his brothers with an annoying swagger.

Doesn’t he know that he is the youngest? She imagined him as Joseph, boasting about his dreams. No wonder they hated him. And he became the servant of many. Now he’s the master of all. Why would he invite them to a feast?

Suddenly, they were all smiling and laughing. Her eyes followed theirs to the object of the joy. Msrah had brought Simeon out! She ducked behind the curtains, hoping he hadn’t seen her.

This is ridiculous. I’m hiding from my brother-in-law!

Msrah unchained Simeon, who ran first to Levi and embraced him with tears.

Could be twins.

The smell of spicy cooking beef wafted on the hot wind. She spotted Joseph pulling up in his chariot at the back gate. He smiled joyfully, a bit mischievously, as he whispered to Msrah.

The feast! He’s not going to invite me.

With that realization, she angrily stormed away from the scene. The door to the prison cells stood open on her right. The gaping darkness sent a tingling shot of adrenaline up her spine. She had gotten around him once, she could do it again! When she reached her room, she opened a small trunk hidden behind some of her other chests. It contained a pair of Oni’s old clothes from their first move to Joseph’s home, a strapless tunic, a cheap dark brown wig, a blue cloth headband, and a dull metal necklace of a slave that had been cut off Oni when she was freed. She dressed in the disguise and jotted a note to Joseph, “My lord Zaphenath-paneah, I am having lunch with the Queen Mother Khenemetferhedjet. I will be back before the evening meal.”

Lies, lies, all lies. When did lying become so easy? She pushed the thoughts to the back of her mind. He’s lying to his brothers! This is just stealth.

After latching the heavy collar around her neck, she stole back to the kitchen.

The cook glanced up from her work at the oven when she entered. “Who are you?” she asked. “You’re not a kitchen girl.” She squinted her eyes, scrutinizing Asenath’s face. “Do I know you?”

Asenath bowed her head as she had seen the other slaves do before a superior. “I’m Eliora, one of Lady Asenath’s maid servants. She sent me to help prepare and serve the feast.”

Lies, lies.

The cook rolled her eyes. “A maid servant! You’ll probably be useless. No matter. If Lady Asenath sent you, I’ll have to use you. What can you do?”

“I…I…can knead bread.”

“I knew it. Useless. Even the Lady can do that! I know, peel those leeks. Then put them in a pot to boil.” She pointed to a stack of leeks as tall as Ephraim beside the kitchen steps.

“All of those?” Asenath asked in astonishment.

The cook answered by grabbing her towel menacingly. “Yes, all of them! Get to work!”

Asenath sat on the steps by the huge pile of leeks.

Should have come later when most of the work was done.

She grabbed a leek and dug her nails into the slimy and fleshy green skin that smelled of onions. The skin peeled back revealing a smooth white ball.

Do they do this every day?

She tried to help in the kitchen sometimes, but if she did all the work, the servants would have no reason to get paid.

Peel and drop. Peel and drop. Peel and drop for an hour.

Just when she was about to complete her task, the cook called. “Girl! Eliora! You must get that horrid smell out of your fingernails if you are to help serve. You could repulse guests from miles away.”

Asenath did not answer that the guests were only across the house, and they didn’t seem to be running yet. Instead, she found a basin of water and scrubbed her hands strenuously. She presented her hands to the cook, who sniffed them with her fat nose.

“You still smell like you live in a leek patch. Roll your hands with one of the cinnamon sticks then grab the things you need for the feast.”

#*#*#*#*#*#

“Go in,” Msrah motioned.

As the brothers entered the main room, the aroma of myrrh and merry songs of musicians filled the air. Asenath pressed herself between the wall and a column. She held a goose feather fan close to her face, trying not to be seen. That was the benefit of being a servant. Always seeing, but hardly ever noticed.

The men huddled together and stared in awe at the large table in the middle of the room. It was covered in delicacies-the calf slathered in spices, not to mention three ducks, and platters stacked high with dates and melons and cheese and bread. It was very little compared to the banquets during the years of plenty, but for these men, who had only eaten bread and water for the past few years, it seemed like a bounty from heaven. Their gifts even looked puny beside this table.

Joseph then entered and stood in front of his chair above them on the raised platform at the end of the long room. His skin and eyes glowed in the noon day sun, and his shadow fell onto his brothers.

They bowed to the ground. One brother stood with his mouth gaping open for a moment before the others pulled him down.

Joseph smiled, his bright teeth flashing. “Honored guests! How is it with you?”

Judah answered. “We are well, thanks to your generosity, my lord.”

“And your father? Is he well and alive?”

She saw that he was trying to mask his earnestness to hear of his father.

“Your servant our father is alive and well.”

Joseph’s eyes smiled, scanning the faces of his brothers, and locking his gaze on Benjamin. “And…” He pointed to his full brother, so much bigger than when he had seen him last, now almost a full grown man. “Is this the youngest brother you spoke to me of?”

“Yes, my lord.”

She could almost feel the emotion welling up within her husband.

It has been so long.

“God…God be gracious to you my son.”

The brothers’ eyes widened in astonishment.

Any bigger they might pop out. She smiled to herself.

Joseph rushed out, his eyes moistened with tears. She flattened herself against the wall as he walked by her. Hopefully he didn’t see.

The brothers didn’t dare move from their bowed position, but Benjamin stole a glance at the foreign vizier who took such an interest in him.

He loves them. But he lied to them. I know he loves me. But he is shutting me out.

The musicians died down, wandering if they should continue or not. The room was tense. Moments later, Joseph came back in. He looked into each person in the room’s eyes, quickly assuring them that he was still in command of the situation. Asenath stared at the floor, hoping he would miss her.

No, please, no.

But she felt his gaze pause on her with recognition.

No.

He stretched out his arms. “Serve the food.”

And the feast began! Joseph slipped out to eat in his private dining room with a few of his key Egyptian friends. The music started up again, and the servant girls began to laugh and dance, throwing lily wreaths around the necks of the brothers.

Stop worrying about it and get to work.

She grabbed a lily wreath and pranced in time to Simeon. He stepped back as she approached.

“El…Eliora?”

She laughed and shook her head “yes”. She tossed the lily wreath onto his burly shoulders to welcome him to the feast. “Come with me!” She grabbed his hands and spun him around. Simeon stared for a moment then threw his head back and laughed. They skipped and twirled all the way to Simeon’s designated spot at the table. Reuben sat on his left, and Levi sat in his right. Simeon and all the other brothers looked at each other, totally amazed.

Their birth order. Clever Joseph.

“Wine?” she inquired, holding out a large pitcher.

He held out his blue glass cup, one of the houses best, next to Joseph’s silver goblet and a few others that also sat as the table.

They have no idea the privilege they are receiving.

Once Asenath filled Simeon’s plate with portions of the best meat from Joseph’s table, she stood back to study the brothers.

The men ate and drank like, well, men, stuffing themselves then taking another gulp of wine. Reuben sat back at first, eating only a small bit. He looked down at his food revealing wrinkles around his eyes and a balding spot in his reddish hair. As the meal went on, he joined the merriment. Next was Simeon. He ate and ate then pounded the table for more food, until he saw her and was reminded of the cell not too far away. Levi sat beside him, almost his twin except for his brown beard grew long to his chest, and his eyes sparkled a hazel-tinted brown in the sun. He moved slower, thinking more about his actions but still doing about the same things as Simeon. Then there was Judah. He sat back, brooding, with his arms crossed. He ate some rare beef and drank a glass or two of deep red wine-that was it. Dan seemed a bit controlling for a middle child; Naphtali was strikingly handsome with long jet black locks that hung down to his shoulders. Gad’s eyes darted back and forth throughout the room. He laughed nervously and always wrung his hands. Asher smiled the whole party, telling jokes and making the other loosen up. Issachar was a giant of a man squeezed into an uncomfortably small seat. Zebulun ate only leeks, bread, and fruit. Asenath could tell it was his average meal for he was wiry with shrewd, beady eyes.

Then lastly, at the end of the table, with a plate stacked high with the best meats and foods was Benjamin. He ate with the ferocity of a growing teenager. When he was done eating, he silently drank in all the sights and sounds. Here and there he would throw in a sarcastic comment to the conversation. This was often met with silence or just ignored. He took another gulp of wine though it made his lips pucker.

Trying to prove himself.

“More wine!” Simeon demanded. She rushed to fill his glass again. He stared at her, eyes glazed over. He said something and pointed to the two chairs on the platform.

He remembers me up there.

She backed away as her heart pounded loudly. “No, my lord. I don’t know what you are talking about. I have to go.” She rushed out.

He shrugged and continued drinking.

Getting too close.

She went to the kitchen and set down her jar of wine.

“Refill?” the cook asked.

“No, I must get back to my mistress.”

The cook guffawed. “Just like I was thinking. Come for the fun, leave before all the hard work really starts, cleaning up. Guess it can’t be avoided. Get on then.”

She unlatched the collar from around her neck and let out a breath. “Made it.”

I can only hope Joseph didn’t notice me. Or if he did, he won’t care. Just a little harmless fun.

She knew she was lying to herself.


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Sun Oct 12, 2014 10:05 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

OK, I didn't expect that at all. The Asenath that I had known before, when she hadn't fallen in love with Joseph might have done something like this, and dressed like a slave and so forth, but the Asenath of right now... no, it just doesn't sound like her, AT ALL. One thing though... what kind of clothing do the slaves usually wear? Now I understand Joseph's rules in modesty obviously, but with his thing as appearing as a typical Egyptian family... what kind of clothing do the slaves usually wear? I know that she was wearing a slave collar, but that's about it really. Was she scantily clad at all? I don't think she would go out there dressed like that, unless she just was really mad, but then again... maybe she would? I don't honestly know. I'm just mainly concerned about the overall setting and picture for now. I didn't have a good picture of her at all. Just a face really, and maybe a slight feel of what Simeon and her must have looked like dancing around. xD So yeah... more of a picture of what she is wearing.

Now I'm really curious if Joseph actually saw her or not. It kinda seems like he did, but the way you portrayed it... you're dragging it out a little, and I did like that. Suspense is good, as long as it's kept in moderation. Too much gives everything away, and too little bores the reader to death. I think for the most part you have the perfect amount. Keep it up!


Little red blotches were on both of them.


Nope, this wouldn't happen. Bread touching his fingers wouldn't burn him. Not really even when it comes out the oven. But that would really depend on how long he had touched it for. Reading this I would think that he had barely touched it. Only for barely a second, if that. Maybe you could just have it to where it hurts? Or he actually touches something that would be a bit hotter than bread normally? :D

Theymust really want to get Joseph’s favor.


It would sound better as a complete sentence here. xD

Is he well and alive?”


Switch around the two adjectives here. Is he alive and well is how it should be, I think.

Asenath watched Benjamin walk among his brothers with an annoying swagger.


Hold onnn... I always thought that Joseph wasn't annoying and neither was Benjamin, but that the brothers were just jealous of the attention that they both got. And that was resulting from the fact that they were born of Rachael and not the other wife (name has escaped me). At least that's what I thought it's how it went... Let me know how that's supposed to be, as that is not how I envisioned Benjamin. I thought he'd be like how I'd envisioned Joseph when he was younger. Not arrogant, and just a generally nice kid. xD

The men ate and drank like, well, men, stuffing themselves then taking another gulp of wine. Reuben sat back at first, eating only a small bit. He looked down at his food revealing wrinkles around his eyes and a balding spot in his reddish hair. As the meal went on, he joined the merriment. Next was Simeon. He ate and ate then pounded the table for more food, until he saw her and was reminded of the cell not too far away. Levi sat beside him, almost his twin except for his brown beard grew long to his chest, and his eyes sparkled a hazel-tinted brown in the sun. He moved slower, thinking more about his actions but still doing about the same things as Simeon. Then there was Judah. He sat back, brooding, with his arms crossed. He ate some rare beef and drank a glass or two of deep red wine-that was it. Dan seemed a bit controlling for a middle child; Naphtali was strikingly handsome with long jet black locks that hung down to his shoulders. Gad’s eyes darted back and forth throughout the room. He laughed nervously and always wrung his hands. Asher smiled the whole party, telling jokes and making the other loosen up. Issachar was a giant of a man squeezed into an uncomfortably small seat. Zebulun ate only leeks, bread, and fruit. Asenath could tell it was his average meal for he was wiry with shrewd, beady eyes.


Omigosh! I'm so sorry for cutting so much out, but I thought it was necessary here. Why the enormous length right here? Why, why, why? To be honest, I was having a very hard time reading it. I had to read and reread over and over again just to get the main gist of it. Also, it was a bit different from your usual style. It kinda stuck out, like a lot. Why not cut it up a bit? Remember... one idea=one paragraph. Here you have several ideas. Run through it all, and try and determine which are different ideas, and which go together. Would be a highly good idea to do that as like a writing exercise or something. Just an idea. :D

The cook guffawed. “Just like I was thinking. Come for the fun, leave before all the hard work really starts, cleaning up. Guess it can’t be avoided. Get on then.”

She unlatched the collar from around her neck and let out a breath. “Made it.”


As I've mentioned before, here you split the scene without any real warning. When running through, and doing the rewrite, this might be a good idea to also add in some description of what it felt like to be dressed in slaves clothing. Like she sheds the clothing off and she starts to understand what it's like to be dressed like a servant. Just so that she see's things from a different perspective that is. My opinion on it, I guess. Just an ideaaa. :D

OK, and that's it from me! I'm almost done! (woot!)

Keep writing!

~Cricket




Aravis10 says...


I suppose that was pretty long. I probably should break up the description throughout the chapter instead of just one block.



Aravis10 says...


I suppose that was pretty long. I probably should break up the description throughout the chapter instead of just one block.



Aravis10 says...


I suppose that was pretty long. I probably should break up the description throughout the chapter instead of just one block.



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Sat Sep 13, 2014 2:44 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Hi Aravis! The weekend has arrived, and so has Knight Wolfie.

She pushed her palms forcefully into the sticky dough. She poured out all her frustration onto the dough, kneading it with intensity.

Again, you could have written this a lot better. For one thing, "she" isn't specific enough; using Asenath's name would be best. Also, you are using the same sentence structure throughout a lot of this chapter. For example, the second sentence that I have highlighted could be changed to this: "Kneading it with intensity, she poured out all her frustration into the dough." See how simple yet wonderful that sounds? All I did was switch the positions of the two nouns. Varying your sentence structure like this can really help your writing sound better.

Six months!

Are you sure that that time period is appropriate, unless there is some historical fact? Six months is a looonnngg time for a kind and forgiving man like Joseph to hold a grudge against his wife.

“That one kinda looks like poppa,” Ephraim said.

Since Ephraim is using "poppa" as his father's name, it must be capitalized.

“I’d rather have lunch in our room than with dirt old shepherds.

Dirty old shepherds!

She knew she was lying to herself.

Excellent ending!

I really liked how you described each of the brothers. You didn't over do it with any of them, even though that paragraph was huge.

This was a really interesting chapter. I predict that Asenath's lies will lead to misfortune, and that is a wonderful theme that you have set up. Like I said, the ending was perfect. You sure know how to end your chapters well!

I was a little confused when Joseph said, “God…God be gracious to you my son.” My son... What does he mean? Benjamin is his brother, not son...

I'm so excited to see how Joseph will reveal himself to his brothers! Keep up the amazing writing and editing!

And yes, r4p17, you can smile with your eyes. ;)

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Aravis10 says...


Yeah, the "my son" thing does sound a little weird, but it's in the Bible that he calls him that. I think it's like a term of affection of an older man to a younger one. I suppose I am better at ending chapters than beginning them. I got six months from the fact that the brothers would have to go home, eat all the grain they had gotten, and then come back. You are the best parent EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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Sat Sep 06, 2014 7:29 pm
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r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight Rudy here to review this work, Aravis! I've finally caught up. :P I hope this helps you!!!

Six months!
I am not sure if I have said this before or not, but it seems like you skip a whole lot of time. I would kind of like to see what is going on in between those gaps some of the item instead of just breezing over them.

“No,” the cook scowled.
You can't produce dialogue by scowling, so I suggest that you change that to, the cook said scowling.

The rest of you-get to work!”
There shouldn't be a hyphen between the you and get in this sentence. I assume you just made a typo right?

Must really want to get Joseph’s favor.
You forgot to put a pronoun here.

I think it is interesting that Ephraim and Mannasah don't know who Joseph's brothers are. :P

“My lord Zaphenath-paneah, I am having lunch with the Queen Mother Khenemetferhedjet. I will be back before the evening meal.”[/qoute] You need to start a new paragraph for dialogue. Oh, and I also feel like saying, "uh oh". ;)

Joseph’s eyes smiled, scanning the faces of his brothers...
I'm sorry if this sounds a little nit picky, but your eyes can't smile.

wandering if they should continue or not.
I think you meant to say "wondering"...

I liked this chapter for the most part except for one or two things, both revolving around Benjamin. First you portray him as sort of arrogant and almost rude. However, I don't believe that is necessarily accurate. I know you are trying to give them all personalities, but still, I think you are being a little to liberal. Also you didn't mention that he had a double portion.

Finally I think that you might want to include Amnon in this. I mean what did he think of the separation of Asenath and Joseph and what did he think of Joesph's brothers. That's all. Happy writing!!! :D

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Aravis10 says...


I picture Benjamin as an average junior high boy. But, each to his own imagination. I believe that eyes do smile. For example, maybe I'm not smiling with my face, but you can tell that I am still smiling inwardly because of my eyes. But thank you for this review! Speaking of Amnon, I want to post my next chapter, but there is a high volume alert. :(




Your presence can give happiness. I hope you remember that.
— Jin, BTS