Hello, Miley, I am here to review this work. I am going to give my honest opinion on this, so I am sorry if I end up offending you.
Now, one of the first things I noticed when reading this, that it was done in chat speak. Now, for some, that makes it hard to read. I am wondering if there is a reason for that. A possibility I have thought of is that that narrator is sending texts to someone. The caps could be fits of rage when the person on the other line is not responding.
However, why use chat speak anyway? The character would look far more educated if chat speak was not in this at all. The fits of capslock can be in italics and it will seem that if the character is whispering the words in a fit of anger, making this seem far more emotional. (Of course, the feeling of texting would be gone. If that what the narrator is aiming for, then I have some suggestions in the latter part of this
Who is your character even talking to? To whom is this letter addressed? The use of you don't tell us much. The person on the other end can be male or female. They could be one or many? That leaves a question to the reader, something that makes us think for a few minutes. That is something you want the reader to do when reading works, so I applaud you.
I'm nt gonna b piss(ed)
I have a question about the use of the parenthesis. What does that do for the work? I see that this is a rhyming poem, however "wish" and "piss" (and "piss(ed)") don't rhyme. So, neither would help the flow of this poem.
(As I mentioned earlier, I am going to go into the texting part of the review.) If this is text, as I assume, then perhaps something like this could happen. Me: Drag me to hell To give a more chatty feel.
(Also, I'm not sure if you know this, but this is put in the Script section. I'm not sure if you meant that.)
Keep on writing!
~Rae,
Points: 0
Reviews: 324
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