Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Game On Level 1.4
Bal and I sat on the step and talked for a while. He told me of Ourium – his homeworld. From his descriptions, Ourium was a dry and dusty place filled with sand and stone buildings. Castle Ourium was where he lived with Ashi and his mother – or ‘Mama’, as he called her.
“I know all the secret passageways,” he said, with a bright grin. “Grandfather showed me them – if you want I could show you them too.”
“That’d be nice,” I smiled back. “But why me?”
Bal pushed his lips together. “No one wants to see ‘em, whenever I ask they always say they’re too busy.” He scoffed.
We sat in a still silence for a while, but it wasn’t awkward. After a while Bal stood up and went in front of me.
“Hey, what was it like seeing a war take place?” he asked. “I wanted to see it but Ashi said I wasn’t allowed too.”
“It was…frightening…Ashi was right not to let you see it.” My mind quickly flashed towards the dead soldier’s cold eyes staring right at me, I clutched my forehead and winced at the memory. “Little boys and girls should never see a war.”
“Ashi told me something like that once,” he said, facing away from me. “When I’m king, I’ll stop these wars. I’ll never ever let a war happen when I sit on the throne.”
Ugh, so naïve. Little Alison rolled her eyes.
I stood up and went to Bal. “That sounds like a nice ideal…but-”
“No buts,” he cut me off. “I’m next to rule Ourium – and I’ll be the best king ever.”
His admiration stirred something inside me. He was so passionate about his ideals and morals.
“Tell you what,” I spoke up. “When you become king I’ll be right beside you, nagging you about this promise you made.” I extended my hand. “Deal?”
The boy looked up at me and then grabbed my hand. “Deal!”
We smiled and giggled before dropping our hands at our sides. Even though we had just met, I felt as if I had known Bal forever. It may have been a crazy thing to do by making that deal – especially to someone you just met. However, Bal, seemed just like myself. Young, small, meek.
The door whooshed open and Axile marched inside.
“Ah, Bal,” he bowed his head towards the boy. “I see you’ve met one of our guests,” he growled at me.
“Just ignore Axile, he seems big and scary but he’s really just a big softy,” Bal smirked at Axile who, oddly, smiled back at the boy. “Don’t be mean to Alison, Axile.” Bal looked up at me and my face flushed red with embarrassment.
Axile looked towards me, his face softened as he spotted my bashful look. “If you say so,” he got down on one knee and bowed. “Whatever you wish, Prince Bal.” He stood back on his feet, his face back to serious. “Ashi wishes your presence, Alison.”
“What for?” I asked, sensing a strange tone of apprehension in his voice.
“You’ll see when you get there.” He looked down at Bal. “Bal your mother is on the intercom room; she wishes to check up on you.”
Bal started to walk out the room. “I’ll see ya later Alison!” he waved to me and I waved back.
Once Bal was away Axile beckoned for me to following him. I wanted to ask him questioned but I knew I wouldn’t get any. Axile didn’t seem like the person who’d be willing to tell me what was going on. It was torture not knowing. Had something happened to Kern? A deep feeling of terror lodged itself in my gut and refused to leave. The corridors we walked through seemed to last an eternity and an age later we made it to a small bedroom.
I guessed that the room belonged to Ashi. The bed itself looked like it cost more than my house alone. Someone was in the extravagant bed but the velvet covers had wrapped them tightly in their folds.
“Oh good, you came,” Ashi had a cocktail of nervousness and fear on his face.
“What’s happening?” I asked, unable to hide the tremor in my voice.
Ashi rubbed the back of his neck and tried to pull a reassuring smile. “You see, truly testing as to wither or not a person is part of the Three…well…uh.” He stopped and let his hands fall at his sides. “Kern…he…he took a bad reaction.”
Ashi turned his head towards the expensive bed. When I strained my eyes I spotted a small afro poking out at the top of the covers.
“K-Kern,” I said, breathlessly.
I sprang towards the bed but Axile’s hairy arm grabbed my waist making me immobile.
“Let me go,” I exclaimed, struggling against the iron grip Axile held me by.
“You cannot disturb him,” he gently said into my ear.
“I don’t care! Let me go! Kern!” My voice was on the verge of breaking.
Little Alison was also trying to calm me down but her efforts were wasted. My little weak hands clenched into fist and I began beating behind me. Eventually, I hit something and Axile loosened his grip enough for me to escape. I knelt at the bed and hovered my hands just above Kern. Kern’s face was scrunched up in pain; he seemed to be deep within a nightmare.
“You little-” Axile grabbed me from behind. He hoisted me to my feet despite my struggles.
“What’s wrong with him? What have you done to him?” The words rushed out of my mouth as quickly as possible.
“Perhaps we shouldn’t have told her,” Ashi said, completely ignoring me.
“Is he going to be alright?” I stuttered.
Ashi didn’t look at me but instead towards the raspy breathing Kern. “That depends on him…right now he is being tested.”
“Why? We never asked for this!” I screeched.
“Mi’lord, I cannot sustain her for long,” Axile said sternly.
“Do what you must,” Ashi said, not taking his eyes away from the bed.
I waved my arms franticly as Axile reached for something. There was a sharp prickily feeling at my arm and my body began to feel heavy. Axile let me go but my legs were unable to hold the weight of my body. I fell to the ground and the last thing I saw was Ashi’s eyes. Tears were forming inside them. Bitter, salty tears.
End of chapter
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Yo! So, this seems like a pretty interesting piece. If I find time, I'll try to come back to it.
Alison is the narrating character, right? Why is she named with an action?Since I didn't see much that needed nit-picking, I'll just give you some overall comments:
Like 90skids wrote, there is a lot of dialogue. And to fix that, you have a combination of two things you can use: 1. add more action and detail between dialogue, and 2. use some indirect dialogue as well.
On another note, what is this?
Anyways, I'm not sure you include enough visual detail right now, because everything seems to be floating in grey space. You gave a brief description of the room where they're keeping Kern, but it was more told, less shown. I would go into a few colors, and fill in details along the way--little things that affect how people move around the room. (Also, fabrics and textures really give depth to a room in writing, just like they do in real life!)
And lastly, I feel the need to comment on emotion. Honestly, Alison's emotions don't feel strong enough to make an impression, and I think I know why. It's because her inward emotions don't have physical expression to back them up. Like here: You do a wonderful job of explaining how emotions affect Alison mentally, but we see very little of fear's physical side effects. A rapid heart-beat, heightened/diminished senses, and bodily tension are all things that we have physically when feeling fear. And it's the physical effects of emotion that really dramatize a feeling.
Well, I hope this helped! Hopefully I'll catch your other part at some point; the premise seems pretty interesting.
-Bug
After reading this, I've decided that I'm going to have to go back and read the previous few chapters. I love it!
The thing I found with this piece is that there's a lot of dialogue in it. Whilst you don't want to fall into the trap of basically spending three quarters of your novel describing it, you also don't want to just have dialogue; if you want to do that, you'd be better of writing plays. Because your novel is written in first person, there's a lot of potential for adding personal feelings and anecdotes; you should make the most of this. Try putting in a couple of anecdotes every now and again to show why your character is the way they are; it'll make it miles better, I promise.
It's good though. Keep writing!