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Young Writers Society



The Past of the Future - Chapter 1

by ExOmelas


A/N: This novel is a collaboration between myself and Messenger but this chapter is my own work so I'm leaving him out of the by-line. Feel free to contact him as well as me about any suggestions you may have. And stay tuned for his first chapter, coming 'soon'. ;) jk, I trust you...

The last light of Sam's candle was wavering. It had been two hours since his parents had gone to bed and the silent salute of midnight was fast approaching. His room was dim by the light of the meager flame and his bed and desk were visible only by faint outlines. The floorboards were too creaky for him to stand without alerting his family so he edged forward towards the door in a sitting position. He had left his bag at the foot of the bed and all he had left to add to it was the food. He'd be on the road for days if the plan went ahead and running cross country every day was going to require plenty of sustenance.

He hooked a finger around the edge of the door and swung it gently open. The hall was lined with soft carpet that would absorb his footsteps so he raised himself warily to his feet and paced forward. He rounded a corner of the hallway that took him to the kitchen and, fervently hoping that his candle didn't die now, he crept into the kitchen and slung his bag onto the counter.

The kitchen was mostly bare of food - having a four-child family tended to do that to the food supply. There were plenty of basic utensils scattered around the room but Sam didn't see what use a whisk was going to be where he was going. He swung open the door of a high up cabinet above the fridge and emptied the cabinet out until the back of it was fully visible. He had installed a false back weeks ago when he had first been chosen to go on the journey.

He eased the false back out and was met with a wall of tinned soup and instant pasta that the rest of the group had donated to him. Commercial foods had been rare in Lone ever since the split but somehow they had collectively amassed twenty pot noodles, sixteen pasta pots and twelve Cup a' Soups. Nobody would tell him how they had gotten hold of so much so that he couldn't be forced to give up the information.

Sam reinstalled the false back, having nowhere else to put it. If nobody had noticed it by now, they weren't going to. He carefully replaced all the pasta and vegetables as close to how he found them as he could. He opened his bag and hauled out a large sack, into which he tossed all his food supplies. Finally, he produced a pre-written note for his parents explaining that he wasn't telling them where he was going because firstly it was a secret and secondly they wouldn't like it. With a final deep breath and a glance around the only home he'd ever known, he was ready to go. He took one step forward and clattered into a chair near the doorway that he hadn't spotted in the dark. The chair scraped and screeched across the tiled floor. Sam gasped and thrust his hands forward to catch it. Fortunately, it wasn't falling.

Still, his parents were likely to rise from bed at any moment to investigate. With his hopes of nostalgic final moments in his house dashed, Sam strode swiftly out of the front door. He emerged from the house to a scene so peaceful he almost abandoned his mission entirely for the sake of preserving it. The sun would rise eventually though, shattering the stillness that had settled over the town of Porten. There was nothing to preserve here. Well, nothing that was worth it.

He strolled as calmly through the streets as he could, in the hopes that he would be taken for an insomniac out for a walk at midnight. The rest of the group were due to meet him at the Arklanshire border, about half a mile from the wall. He took Kemp Road, a long and winding street which followed roughly the track of the railway. The railway itself terminated about a mile before the wall, for what New North American would want a filthy Loner catching the 11:13 to New York?

Sam chuckled to himself. This was not going to be a simple task. What was he letting himself in for?

He reached their rendezvous point - marked by a bright green flag with a Union Jack in the corner - within ten minutes of turning onto Kemp Road. He picked up the flag, waved it back and forth twice and waited for one of the group's members to reveal themself.

"Sam!" hissed a husky male voice, "Sam, it's William. Over here."

Sam whirled to face in the general direction of the voice and spotted a pair of bright eyes peeking at him through a patch of scrub. The landscape was bare out here, all pretense of civilisation dropped for the few miles between the town and the border that nobody ever bothered to visit. Sometimes Sam wondered if the Wastelands stretched further East than the official border.

He doubled back on himself until he found an opening in the bushes, where another group member, Harry, was there to greet him.

"Ready for this?" Harry asked softly. Harry was far more feminine than William, whose appearance could easily have suggested he was a medieval warrior. Harry had a much thinner face with softer skin. He must have originated East of the border somewhere, Sam thought. The split had been hard on Lone. Nobody was even close to 'pretty' anymore.

Sam nodded mutely, not sure at all that he was. He couldn't let his friends down though so he would say nothing. He would go. For them and for Lone, he would go.

He followed the bushes - which were the boundaries of what used to be a forest but was now a collection of crippled trees and clusters of bushes such as this. They led him naturally to a gap in the twisted branches and papery leaves. The gap was where the rest of the group had chosen to set up.

They didn't have a name, really. Nobody had ever come up with one. There had been plenty of suggestions from some of the group's less dedicated members, such as Charlie and Phil but they were all either silly or dirty and had sounded like they were from the brain of a thirteen-year-old - so they had been ignored. The only reason Charlie and Phil hadn't been kicked out was because they brought the membership up to eight. Six members didn't even feel worthy of a name.

"There you are, Sam," greeted Rob, the leader of the group. Rob had dark skin and a buzz-cut of black hair. His father had made a living selling something on the boundary of exotic and illegal - Rob never mentioned what - to Rwanda, the family's homeland. While he'd lost most of his father's accent, Rob had inherited a large portion of his father's business accumen - and his love of flirting with the law.

"Yeah," Sam murmured, then added, "I have the provisions."

"Good," Rob replied, "I have some more for you."

Rob nodded towards Jock, a beefy kid whom Rob may or may not have been paying in imported sodas. Most of the group were there voluntarily, for the sake of Lone. Jock, however, rarely offered opinions on the subject of reunification. And in this group, everyone had complex opinions, which were normally discussed fervently in hushed tones.

Jock brought forward a second sack of instant meals and silently placed it beside Sam's own sack, which Sam had placed a few feet to his right when Rob had greeted him. The gap in the bushes was about as wide as a large bathroom and eight people fit easily into it with room left to walk around and set out equipment.

A second - and slightly scrawnier - kid, named Andrea, the group's only female member, stepped forward and handed him a kettle. There was a slightly reverent twinkle in her eyes. For a moment, Sam thought she was showing him respect for taking the weight of the mission on his shoulders but on further inspection of the kettle, he understood. This was no metal pot that sat over a fire and screeched when the water boiled. This was a plastic kettle with a built-in water purifier. What Andrea was staring at had been the extra-life battery installed below its handle.

"Where the hell did you find a kettle?" Sam spluttered, "And a battery!"

"Keep quiet," Rob urged, "You never know what kind of guards might be patrolling around here. This isn't border area, you know. Any guards here would be patrolling for the fun of catching one of us."

Sam nodded. Rob would never reveal where he'd gotten it from anyway. For all Sam knew, he'd re-established his Rwandan connection and imported it from there.

"One more time before we start," Rob whispered, "You sure about this?"

"Yes," Sam replied, with enough passion for the cause in his heart to be speaking the truth. Butterflies in his tummy were nothing compared to the raging fire in his veins. Lone would not be shunned any longer, if he had anything to do about it.

He heard feet crunching behind him and twisted around to see Charlie and Phil emerged from the darkness with four shovels each balanced in their arms.

"Then let's start digging." Rob grinned, his teeth gleaming in the darkness.


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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Scot! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Alright, let's have thoughts on this. The first thing I noticed was this was a bit different than the beginning chapter- which was to be expected since this is the first chapter instead of the prologue. However, I expect there to be a connection to the prologue- if not that's a bummer. I know sometimes the prologue contents won't be mentioned throughout the chapters, but somehow I feel like there should be a connection to it. Anyway, onward.

Let's start with the characters. I really like Sam, in all honesty. He's a quiet, good friend, to say the least. But I feel like that's all you really give about him, and that was a downer. I was expecting to know a little bit more about him. You don't infer about his appearance, or really what his mind is like, and I was expecting some of these considering he's your main character(I think.) Overall you have decent characters, but I would like to see more about Sam. Anyway, onward.

The next thing to talk about is the plot. It seems to go rather slow, which is the opposite of most of your stories. But I don't think it's too slow, just almost at the border between perfect and too slow.

Now, the next thing would be the overall story here. It's a bit, confusing. You've thrown us into the middle of new life without an explanation of why things are that way, which although isn't required would be a good thing to pre-explain, if that makes any sense.

All in all, you have decent characters and a decent plotline that could use some work, and I can't wait to see where this leads.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Matt




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Tue Sep 30, 2014 2:02 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

So I am finally here, guys! Yay! I am sorry it took so long. Review requests and keeping up on novels, while important and fun, can get in the way of exciting new projects.

Let's take a look.

Would you mind if I went through the piece with comments as I read, instead of just giving you a structured review? Okay. Here we go.

last light of Sam's candle was wavering.


This is passive tense, which is something to avoid, if possible. So, wavered is a much better verb to use here.

was going to require plenty of sustenance.


I'm sorry... this just reminded me of Thor too much. xD

There were plenty of basic utensils scattered around the room but Sam didn't see what use a whisk was going to be where he was going.


Comma after but

they had collectively amassed twenty pot noodles, sixteen pasta pots and twelve Cup a' Soups


Okay, so I have a little thing on this stuff. Firstly, canned foods are awfully heavy, and considering all of the people that are included in this trip (I read ahead - sorry), it sounds like that would have to be a lot of food, like really a lot. To have enough canned goods even for a few days for that many people, and for teenagers (you don't mention ages, really - just assuming they are), his backpack would be absolutely crammed and really, really heavy. One can of food is 15 ounces, and if you count in that you have 20 of them (and that's just the pot noodle stuff - never heard of it), then he is carrying a load heavy enough for a mule. Not very realistic. He's carrying about three-hundred pounds, just talking about the pot noodles. We still haven't included the other stuff.

The way to fix that is for you to pick a different food. Freeze Dried.

It's the wave of the future, really, and they're super light, super easy to use. And they can make anything they want into a freeze dried food. I have seen ice-cream and everything else in those little things. So I think you could work on the food part a bit, and make it easier on his shoulders and more realistic for the readers' sakes in that part.

whose appearance could easily have suggested he was a medieval warrior.


Cut warrior from this example. It gives the reader a different image than the one you are trying to set across here. Warrior gave me a strong, buff guy with scars and everything.... You want medieval because they were softer back then? I don't really know if that would work, really. Because people did more back then, were stronger back then. They labored, and especially warriors wouldn't be soft or white. So I think your example there is a little askew? Perhaps there is some other medieval reference you could put towards this? You have mentioned he has a more feminine face, so perhaps you could say something that goes more towards the women of that time period rather than the men? Because, back then, women didn't do quite as much outdoors or fighting than men did.

Sam nodded mutely, not sure at all that he was.


I'm being honest when I say I didn't understand this sentence in the slightest.... The second part, perhaps. It's pretty straightforward and easy to understand, but the second half? I didn't get it. Perhaps I am missing something.

collection of crippled trees and clusters of bushes such as this.


Cut such as this, because it doesn't add anything and just puts in fluff into the sentence. :)

such as Charlie and Phil but they were


Comma after Phil

Butterflies in his tummy were nothing


tummy sounded too childish for your style of writing, which is somewhat sophisticated and more mature.


This was a very intriguing beginning, and you have given your book a somewhat mysterious feeling to it, because we don't actually know much about their environment and their cause and how everything works and why they have this little band - besides what you have told us so far. And that's fine. Gosh, I just love how you're doing this with no info-dumps on the reader at any points, just handing out information and facts at will, and very strategic in where you place them. I like that. Telling the reader about your story and your character and your scene is great and all, and we all want to know what is going on - but in time. The focus is always what is happening here and now, and the sideline information has to be told, but can't be given in an essay or slowing down an exciting scene. So good job there. Seventeen thumbs up. :D

I felt as though the characterization could have been done a little bit better in this first chapter? Okay, you did the characterization a little bit throughout, but this was more of introducing the characters and telling us their names than their personalities and how they work. You did give us their physical appearances, which does help in deciding their character, but I think you could have given more. Especially on the main character. You have motions, action - like a movie scene. But we don't actually go inside your character's head very often, and when we do, it's not very deep and just scratches the surface of the emotion and characterization you could implant in your reader's mind of the character.

So like this part:

father's business accumen - and his love of flirting with the law.


Great start about the side-character's father... and I like the usage of "flirting with the law". Very cool. But what does Sam think about that? Just a short snippet of opinion from Sam would open a door to allow us to see into his mind.

All in all, this was an amazing first chapter. We don't exactly know what is going on yet, and so the intrigue. Love it. Keeps me reading. And your style. Seriously, I could rave on and on about your writing style all morning. It's strong. It's fluid. It's sophisticated, and yet simple - the way I like it. Your descriptions are vivid and just the perfect length, giving us a very nice image of the scene yet not cramming it full of unnecessary descriptions. Your word choice is phenomenal, too. I especially like the flirting with the law. I can't seem to get it out of my head. Sooooo good.

Amazing work. :D
~Darth Timmyjake




ExOmelas says...


Thanks, Timmy! We (Mess and I) shall get to work :-)



timmyjake says...


He's carrying about three-hundred pounds, just talking about the pot noodles.


*facepalm* I don't know what was wrong with me. It was six-o'clock in the morning. That would be thirty pounds of those noodle things, not three-hundred. xD I solemnly disown that sentence. You can ignore it, and just read the others. :P

Welcome. :D



ExOmelas says...


Haha :D



Messenger says...


thanks timmy!



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Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:00 am
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birk wrote a review...



Hey guys!

I suppose in this case that it would rather be more aimed at Bisc, seeing as he she wrote this chapter solo. ;)

Well, from a grammatical point of view this improved a lot upon the first part. It has relatively few typos, though some issues still persist, such as troubles with punctuation.

Just as your previous part, this is very well written. You write it very direct; you set up the story, introduce your character and the move the plot along at a good pace. There's not a lot of lingering in locations that you should just move on from already. That's good.

However, I do think this chapter has some larger flaws.

Exposition.

I think I'm going to start out like that; exposition. You need to weave some exposition into your narrative. Give out more clues about where we are, when we are, who we are etc, etc.

Because as of right now, I have no idea who these people are or what is going on in this chapter. I actually found absolutely nothing that connects this chapter to the previous part. In the first part you end with the reveal that there's now a new part of the US; an independent country, from the mid-Kansas all the way to the coast. In this chapter, you make references to 'New North America' and 'Lone', which are the only slight connections I can make out.

After bringing us the prologue or sorts, I feel you started off this story in a wrong way. Our introduction is our main (I presume) character sneaking out one night to do important 'stuff' (I guess?) with his group. If you started it off a bit earlier, you could have eased us more into the story.

Not that you didn't have a chance to throw in some good narrative here and there. You could have added some neat backstory through the railway, yet went for some humor instead.

I get the feeling that you figured the readers would be clued into what is going on by reading the description. In fiction though, there isn't a neat underline description between each of the chapters and parts, etc. So in this case, I have no idea that Sam is actually Sam Jarnet, probable relative of Percy Jarnet whom we saw in the previous part. As far as I know, Sam is just some dude. To tie it into the story, how about just including a small part where he goes by the mailbox by his house? It could read Jarnet. Real simple.

That said, I'm not too fond of the characters you've got going on so far though. Despite how little we saw of him, I did like Percy. Married man and father of a young child, struggling for survival. That's ok.

What I don't like here is the fact that they're kids. Or teens. You mention kid several times, and to me, a kid is like, 10-12. While a teen, obviously, 13-19. I'd clear up their age. Still though, I'm not a fan of the teens going out there and trying to save the world stuff. Nothing wrong with it though, I'm just not a fan. ;)

Overall, that's pretty much what I got. The writing is still very good, I just think you entered into the story a bit off.

Alright, there were a few smaller things I noticed, so I'll write as I go along:

Edit

The floorboards were too creaky for him to stand without alerting his family, so he edged forward
Added a comma.

so he edged forward towards the door in a sitting position.

I'm not gonna lie, this sounds ridiculous. I'm getting an image of Homer Simpson scooting his butt across the floor. :D

Edit
Sam reinstalled the false back, having nowhere else to put it; if nobody had noticed it by now, they weren't going to.
Removed this unneeded part and changed the period to a semicolon.

Suggestion
telling them where he was going because firstly; it was a secret , and secondly; they wouldn't like it.
Another place were you could get some good use out of semicolons. They are really underrated. ;)

Arklanshire

Alright then. There's a place in the US named Arklanshire. That's confusing.

fervently in hushed tones.

This reads very contradictive.

Sam nodded. Rob would never reveal where he'd gotten it from anyway. For all Sam knew, he'd re-established his Rwandan connection and imported it from there.
Here we might have an issue with their age though. Despite me kind of thinking of them as teens, you have referenced several of them as 'kid' by now. So while I'm unsure of their age... one of them now might have a connection with Rwanda? And he's... importing stuff?

I don't know, I guess when I know more about this setting it'll make more sense.

Edit
He heard feet crunching behind him and twisted around to see Charlie and Phil emerge from the darkness
Small typo.

"Then let's start digging." Rob grinned, his teeth gleaming in the darkness.

Omg! They're digging to China! Because the Chinese were in the country when Percy was around... and now Sam is out for vengence! I caught the twist! xD

Alright, enough jokes.

Well, that's pretty much what I got. As I said, it's still written very well. There's very few grammatical errors; in fact I think I only found one typo. You're sort of keeping us in the dark so far about what they're actually up to, which is nice.

I do think you entered the story a bit wrong, but it's nothing terrible about it. You fill in the plot as you go. And I'll read it as I continue into this series. I'll get to that soon. ;)

Oh, lastly; I'm not sure I get the title? The first part was 'The Beginning of the Future' while this part is now 'The Past of the Future'. Wouldn't that roughly make it the same time? Kind of like calling one chapter 'The Future Now and another chapter 'The Past Present'.

Keep it up, guys!




Cheers
Birkhoff




ExOmelas says...


1. Working title (I think)
2. Will work on giving this more ties.
3. Will stop calling all of them kids. They definitely range in age.
4. (and possibly most importantly) I am a girl. ;)

Thanks for the review! :D



birk says...


Bisc is a lady. I'll remember that. ;)



ExOmelas says...


*is about to curtsey * *defies gender stereotype and bows instead*

Haha, it's Ok. Mess thought I was a boy at first too. ;)



Messenger says...


Thanks birk. we'll definitely work on those suggestions!



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Tue Sep 23, 2014 1:35 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Wolfie is here to review, as requested by Messenger! :D

This book seems very interesting and unlike anything I've ever read before. Here are two quick nitpicks before I go into the fun stuff:

The floorboards were too creaky for him to stand without alerting his family so he edged forward towards the door

I think that there needs to be a comma after "family." There are similar errors throughout the chapter that I won't point out, so try to be especially careful with them, since it has probably become part of your style as a writer.
having a four-child family tended to do that to the food supply.

The way that this phrase is written can be confusing, so it would be best if you could change it around a little. The word "tended" has separate meanings, and I originally thought that you were using the "tending to" version. It would be best if you could get rid of the word entirely and replace it with something better, possibly changing the whole sentence around in the process.

There are two points in writing that every Chapter One needs, and you've nailed both of them: originality and the ability to hook your reader. Nice job on that!

I love many of the phrases you have used to heighten the imagery in this piece, such as "his teeth gleaming in the darkness."

These characters seem very interesting. I love the idea that they are all part of a group and that they are all very young. I'm not sure that I am in love with the name choices, though, since they are on the generic side. But I do love the title of this book, and the prologue's name was clever. ;)

Overall, you did a great job. It's not often that you see two people working on a book, so this should be fun to read! As they say, two heads are better than one!




ExOmelas says...


Thank you! There is actually a reason behind the names which will become clear later :)



Wolfi says...


Ooooh, I see.... :)



Messenger says...


thanks wolfie!



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Pompadour wrote a review...



Uhm... review? I shall review!

Looking for catch-phrases sorry. I've had no luck so far.

Happy Review Day!

Ooh, I like this. I like that you're writing in Third Person Omniscient and it's working for you--because it's definitely not the Limited perspective, nope--and that this is so easy and so much fun to read through. Your atmosphere is a mixture of heavy and not-so-heavy, but it's pretty tense all the same. Like a cord of taut elastic that could snap any second; despite it seeming like you're not telling us much about the community in general, you've managed to convey a lot about the setting and the people. No solid details, but it's well-grounded for a first chapter. You have that ability that allows for the inserting of fact into action, and you carry it out very well. Nice pacing. Well-grounded. Hm. I might need to dissect for actual criticism here...

Okay, so let's start with the beginning. I notice you have a prologue to this, and I'll probably drop by and check it out later; but since it doesn't interfere with my reading, I'm skipping it for now.

The beginning, I felt, was a little bit of a chunk to read through, maybe because I wasn't enveloped by the story immediately. I'm not saying it has to be fast--it just felt a little rigid, like wrought-iron, and I had to plough through it until I understood the character's situation. This might be because of the rather detached tone with which you begin. That's actually pretty common for when you're writing in Omniscient, but I'd suggest incorporating some emotion into this. It's all detail detail, necessity necessity. What's Sam feeling at the time? You tell us he's moving towards the door, that he has a candle. Oh-kay. Is he nervous? Is he frightened? Show us how he responds to his environment. Does he hold the candle up as he walks, afraid of the wax dripping onto his wrist? Or is he used to the sensation of finding his way in the darkness? Your reader can see everything as you tick the points down, but they want to see what your character sees, too. That develops this sense of attachment, and it's attachments that normally keep people going. Some expression, yes? Some more sound/taste/touch instead of sight? It feels a little quiet in the beginning, like you've muffled everything with cotton, but there must be some noise at least, to make it seem less surreal. The wind tapping at the window? Crickets chirping? Or at least alluding to the heaviness of the stark silence? I want to be drawn in more, and that's something I know you can do! seeing as how well written this is as a whole.

Also, you move pretty close to telling instead of showing in the first few paras, so it's like you're telling us his actions instead of showing them to us/engaging us into the whole experience. Tweak that a little.

Your writing style is nice. Very nice. It's heavy, which is what I think you're going for, and it works really well for the genre you're writing in--which is futuristic dystopia unless I'm mistaken? Your descriptions are well-crafted, and your grammar is great! I don't even want to tarnish this with a quote so one quick thingy: This: - is a hyphen and is used to join words together, such as brown-black, forty-three, etc. while -- and — are Em-dashes and dashes respectively. They're used to convey pauses, side-thoughts, etc. You mix them up once or twice, but that's a pretty minor thing considering, and you can smooth it out pretty quickly.

Coming to characterisation. That's something I hope to see more as we move on. You've done the main bit, which is introductions, and you handled that pretty well--though it could be a little overwhelming for some people to try and keep up with all of 'em--but I want to get to know these people. Simply stated, I want more emotion. I want to grow attached. I want to understand these guys. I can see what Sam's doing, that he's making a really big decision, that he doesn't want his parents to know what he's doing ... and I can also sense his fear. He's afraid. He's nervous. He's logical. He's smart. That's what I've managed to grasp so far, but I want more to work with as we go on.

So yeah, keep me updated. ;) I usually take ages to catch up but I'll be here when I can!

Keep writing! Keep up the great work!

Hope this helped~ :)

~Pomp




Messenger says...


thaaank you Pomp! we shall edit much!



ExOmelas says...


Cheers, Pomp! Sorry it took so long for me to see this. I don't have a great deal of free time today (giant history essay due) but I might be able to edit on Friday. :-)



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Masquerade wrote a review...



Hi. Happy Review Day! I thought this was a pretty great first chapter. It drew me write in and you successfully kept up the tension to keep me interested. It left me with questions, but not enough that I was confused, and it gave me enough information that I could keep up with what was happening without giving too much away.

I also really enjoyed your writing. You have a nice style. It's easy to read but also colorful and playful in the right places.

Here's a few nitpicks.

"fervently hoping that his candle didn't die now"

Before I read this sentence I hadn't realized that Sam was actually carrying the candle with him. I had assumed it was sitting on a desk or something, so you might want to clarify that. Also, what happened to the candle? Did he leave it in the kitchen? Take it with him?

"Jock brought forward a second sack of instant meals and silently placed it beside Sam's own sack, which Sam had placed a few feet to his right when Rob had greeted him."

For some reason this sentence came of sounding rather awkward to me. Maybe it's because you used "placed" twice. It might clear it up just to mention where Sam sat the bag down earlier. There were a few other sentences in the piece that had similar awkwardness because of their phrasing. I'd watch out for those.

I'm also having a bit of a hard time imagining Sam carrying this bag of food down the street so casually. From the descriptions it sounds like he has quite a lot of food in there, which would probably be awkward and uncomfortable to lug down the street, but that was never mentioned.

Overall, I thought this was a great chapter. Good job!

-Masq




ExOmelas says...


Thank you Masq! And happy review day to you too :) go team black!



Messenger says...


thank you Masq!



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Sonder says...



Please keep me posted! I'll attempt a review later.




ExOmelas says...


Sure :)



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Pot noodles make for terrible travel food. The only nutritional value is salt, which is too high, and they take up loads of room. Just thought I'd point that out.




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anonymousx wrote a review...



I will say that I'm particularly bad at giving reviews, but I assure you I'm going to try my best.

I'll start with the first few paragraphs. They really draw me into the story as a reader and make me want to keep going. I'm questioning why he wants to run away (it seems) and the details you use to describe the darkness of his room are amazing.

The description of the kitchen made me laugh. It reminds me of my own kitchen minus the four children. I'm becoming more curious now as the story goes on, wondering why he has installed a false back on the cabinet and what journey he's going on.

I'm assuming all the side notes and the parentheses are for your co-author, or the reader, but it's definitely a little bit weird within the story.

I'm finally getting the fact that this seems to be in the future, because of the imported sodas line and the battery and a kettle...and normally I'm not into futuristic writings but it's definitely an interesting one and I do look forward to reading more from you guys and seeing exactly what is going to happen with Sam and his group and where they are digging too.




ExOmelas says...


Thank you and yes that was for the co-author but I've edited them out now. Sorry, I was expecting him to read it first. Anyhow, thank you for your input. Also, would you mind clicking 'like' - you seem to have enjoyed it (I hope)




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