Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
First off, I agree with Lumi. The first paragraph is quite long. Now, I know that you know how to break up paragraphs because I've been reading your stuff for so long. So make sure you break up that paragraph when you go back and edit. Make sure new dialogue makes for a new paragraph and new information makes a new paragraph as well.
“Mother. I have told you time and time again, I do not wish to marry. Not yet. Give me more time, please. I am only sixteen. We are a wealthy nation- we don’t need the money.”
I find this piece of dialogue a bit unrealistic. It doesn't sound like anything that would be said in everyday conversation. I know that you want to get this information across without telling, but I feel like there's another way that you can get this information across.
Just a general comment here: there is a lot of different perspectives that this story is being told by. It's quite easy to follow since you mention who it is at the beginning of each chapter. But I'm really looking forward to seeing how each of these character's stories fit together in the big picture of the story.
Alright, that's all I've got for you now. I am truly enjoying reading your story. There's always something new in each of the chapters and it's always something I didn't see coming. Like I've just mentioned, I'm looking forward to seeing how the story all fits together.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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