My heart keeps telling me the perfect lie;
That life won't leave me with a bitter cry.
That people are the best that they can be.
That the cup is more full than I can see.
I've never wished for much more than this:
To greet each day with the sun's warm kiss.
I never expected to have it all,
only to rise up each time I fall.
In the darkness, I grasp the light.
To see no path, is my greatest fright.
To never hear the monster's scream,
has proven harder than it would seem.
We all want to be the millionaire,
but would it matter if we didn't care?
I wish that I could better pray,
to have the trust that hope would stay.
I swing the doors open without a key,
then watch as you enter, afraid you'll flee.
I've never been one to turn the lock,
so I sit and wait with the ticking clock.
I hold each hand and never let go,
hoping one day they all will know.
Maybe I wanted to be a star,
but I'd follow the clouds, near or far.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,848 Reviews
This is perfect and there is nothing that I can nit pick or suggest except that you keep writing- this is perfect and the mood is carried perfectly throughout. The rhyming lines are perfect and ahhhhh! Perfect.
Thank you!
Hi Fatithhope,
I really liked this poem. It had really good flow - would probably make a great song. I could anticipate the next line (in a good way). I enjoyed the rhyme scheme.
My favorite bit was these four lines:
"In the darkness, I grasp the light.
To see no path, is my greatest fright.
To never hear the monster's scream,
has proven harder than it would seem."
I also liked the line "That the cup is more full than I can see."
I was left with a positive feeling at the end of the poem. Overall, I thought it was a great poem - keep up the good writing!
Hi, Faithhope. This is Pinkie here for a review.
This is a good poem. You expressed the feelings of the character in this poem. I can feel the emotions and imagine what is happen in the poem in head while I read it. I enjoyed the flow in the lines which made the poem even better. The descriptions are also very good too. You did a wonderful job on this one, sir.
However, you have punctuation errors like the other reviewers said. Maybe you need to work on there when you start another poem.
Overall, this a great masterpiece. I like this poem a lot. I hope you write more. Well, have a nice day!
Wonderful Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
P.S: Welcome to YWS!
review,
I loved this poem because it was beautiful and written well. I wanted to mention that I love the title of the poem, it captures the readers attention. I don't want to keep you too long. This get on with the review shall we?
Improvements
1. I think that the poem could use more feelings..
2. Describe more about the clouds.
That's all I have to say for improvements, now for the good things!
Positives
1. The description was great!
2. I could feel the characters emotions
Overall this is a great poem. You are a good writer and don't let people tell you otherwise. Keep up the work, the poem was great and I hope other people feel the same way. I hope to see more work from you soon.
keep writing
~cassaundra~
Thank you!
I really liked this poem. It was very enjoyable.
Nitpicks:
"My heart keeps telling me the perfect lie;
That life won't leave me with a bitter cry."
In these two lines, I think that the semicolon after "lie" should be changed to a comma. Semicolons should only be used to connect two short sentences when they are related or in a list. But I could also be wrong. I'm not the best at grammar and punctuation.
"We all want to be the millionaire,
but would it matter if we didn't care?"
In these two lines, I feel like "the" should be changed to "a". "The" implies that there can only be one millionaire, when there can be multiple millionaires. Also, I don't understand what you were trying to convey with these lines.
"I wish that I could better pray,
to have the trust that hope would stay."
The first line here is pretty good, but I had to stop and reread the second line. Maybe it's just me but, "trust", in this particular line, may not have been the right word to use. But at the same time I cannot find another word that would give the same meaning that would fit there.
Overall:
I really enjoyed this poem. It gets its point across clearly in most lines and flows together pretty good. I really liked the way it was using metaphors throughout it and questioning different things about what the world tells us. I really like it! Keep writing!!
Thank you for the advice and praise, stripeslife! As for the "millionaire" line, I'll admit I was a bit confused myself after writing it. I suppose the point I was trying to get across was that we all want fame and money, and we create a careless image. But if we really didn't care, we wouldn't care for fame or what money could buy. Hope that helps. My thought process is confusing, ha. Thanks again!
Hey there! Thewriter13 here to give a review!
First off, I just wanna say WELCOME TO YWS! *hands out candy* I hope you enjoy it here
I really love this poem! The rhyme scheme is great, so good job.
I'll go through nitpicks first, then praise (yes, more praise!) and then what could be worked on (though I'm not seeing much)
Nitpicks!
This is just a small punctuation error...heck it may not even be an error, but I'd just thought I mention this. Here, you're setting off the line with a semicolon, and then next line and the line after that are a part of the same idea, right? So I think the first line should just be a period, OR you could have no periods or punctuation until "I can see" since they're all kind of a part of the same idea. Is that clear? I don't think I explain things very well so if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask XD
I know this comma is intentional to create a break, but I felt it just broke up the consistency and the rhythm of the poem. Perhaps you could take it out. But you don't have to
Hmm, so this ending is interesting, because the rest of the poem isn't about clouds, really, and then you talk about clouds in the last sentence. Just curious as to why you didn't build up to that part
Praise
I loved this poem! The concept, the rhyming, the WRITING. It's very well done
You have a serious knack for rhyming (pfft, I'm a free verse poet, I can't really rhyme for my life) Keep doing what you're doing, I can't wait to see more
What could be worked on
So I think you should work on punctuation, but only if you want to. I understand it's all intentional, and you obviously know what you're doing, so don't listen to me if you don't want to. Nothing else really needs to be changed/fixed.
So great job!
Keep writing!
Thank you! I really appreciate the grammar advice. Punctuation is not my strong point. Regarding the last line: it was meant to be an addition to "Maybe I wanted to be a star", as stars are usually hidden behind clouds. Like I told stripeslife, my thought process is confusing.
Okay! (and I doubt it's confusing, I'm sure it's wonderful!)
It would be nice if you could check out some of my works, I'd love tp hear your opinion