This is perfect and there is nothing that I can nit pick or suggest except that you keep writing- this is perfect and the mood is carried perfectly throughout. The rhyming lines are perfect and ahhhhh! Perfect.
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My heart keeps telling me the perfect lie;
That life won't leave me with a bitter cry.
That people are the best that they can be.
That the cup is more full than I can see.
I've never wished for much more than this:
To greet each day with the sun's warm kiss.
I never expected to have it all,
only to rise up each time I fall.
In the darkness, I grasp the light.
To see no path, is my greatest fright.
To never hear the monster's scream,
has proven harder than it would seem.
We all want to be the millionaire,
but would it matter if we didn't care?
I wish that I could better pray,
to have the trust that hope would stay.
I swing the doors open without a key,
then watch as you enter, afraid you'll flee.
I've never been one to turn the lock,
so I sit and wait with the ticking clock.
I hold each hand and never let go,
hoping one day they all will know.
Maybe I wanted to be a star,
but I'd follow the clouds, near or far.
This is perfect and there is nothing that I can nit pick or suggest except that you keep writing- this is perfect and the mood is carried perfectly throughout. The rhyming lines are perfect and ahhhhh! Perfect.
Hi Fatithhope,
I really liked this poem. It had really good flow - would probably make a great song. I could anticipate the next line (in a good way). I enjoyed the rhyme scheme.
My favorite bit was these four lines:
"In the darkness, I grasp the light.
To see no path, is my greatest fright.
To never hear the monster's scream,
has proven harder than it would seem."
I also liked the line "That the cup is more full than I can see."
I was left with a positive feeling at the end of the poem. Overall, I thought it was a great poem - keep up the good writing!
Hi, Faithhope. This is Pinkie here for a review.
This is a good poem. You expressed the feelings of the character in this poem. I can feel the emotions and imagine what is happen in the poem in head while I read it. I enjoyed the flow in the lines which made the poem even better. The descriptions are also very good too. You did a wonderful job on this one, sir.
However, you have punctuation errors like the other reviewers said. Maybe you need to work on there when you start another poem.
Overall, this a great masterpiece. I like this poem a lot. I hope you write more. Well, have a nice day!
Wonderful Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
P.S: Welcome to YWS!
review,
I loved this poem because it was beautiful and written well. I wanted to mention that I love the title of the poem, it captures the readers attention. I don't want to keep you too long. This get on with the review shall we?
Improvements
1. I think that the poem could use more feelings..
2. Describe more about the clouds.
That's all I have to say for improvements, now for the good things!
Positives
1. The description was great!
2. I could feel the characters emotions
Overall this is a great poem. You are a good writer and don't let people tell you otherwise. Keep up the work, the poem was great and I hope other people feel the same way. I hope to see more work from you soon.
keep writing
~cassaundra~
I really liked this poem. It was very enjoyable.
Nitpicks:
"My heart keeps telling me the perfect lie;
That life won't leave me with a bitter cry."
In these two lines, I think that the semicolon after "lie" should be changed to a comma. Semicolons should only be used to connect two short sentences when they are related or in a list. But I could also be wrong. I'm not the best at grammar and punctuation.
"We all want to be the millionaire,
but would it matter if we didn't care?"
In these two lines, I feel like "the" should be changed to "a". "The" implies that there can only be one millionaire, when there can be multiple millionaires. Also, I don't understand what you were trying to convey with these lines.
"I wish that I could better pray,
to have the trust that hope would stay."
The first line here is pretty good, but I had to stop and reread the second line. Maybe it's just me but, "trust", in this particular line, may not have been the right word to use. But at the same time I cannot find another word that would give the same meaning that would fit there.
Overall:
I really enjoyed this poem. It gets its point across clearly in most lines and flows together pretty good. I really liked the way it was using metaphors throughout it and questioning different things about what the world tells us. I really like it! Keep writing!!
Hey there! Thewriter13 here to give a review!
First off, I just wanna say WELCOME TO YWS! *hands out candy* I hope you enjoy it here
I really love this poem! The rhyme scheme is great, so good job.
I'll go through nitpicks first, then praise (yes, more praise!) and then what could be worked on (though I'm not seeing much)
Nitpicks!
My heart keeps telling me the perfect lie;
My heart keeps telling me the perfect lie;
That life won't leave me with a bitter cry.
That people are the best that they can be.
That the cup is more full than I can see.
To see no path, is my greatest fright.
but I'd follow the clouds, near or far.
Points: 672
Reviews: 39
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