Young Writers Society

I do not remember this...

Hello hello! I'm Gryph and I'll be your reviewer today.

This looks like it's shaping up to be a dark, dramatic romance? Wonderful. Let's dig in.

First off, breaking up the dialogue in formatting would make this a bit easier to read. Each new person speaking should get their dialogue bumped down into its own paragraph.

For example:

Marty looked over at Dusty.

"You're an idiot," she said, but because she was smiling, there was no venom in it.

"I know," he replied, but he wasn't smiling.

Hello Geo and Tigga, Wolf here for a review.

First thing, everytime there is new dialogue, like a new person speaking or the same person speaking after a long pause, a new paragraph must be made. Otherwise, it gets really hard to follow with such enormous paragraphs.

Second, I do notice a lot of unnecessary repetition throughout this. One large example is that Luke is meentioned practically every sentence. Since there are really no other males in this story (or even females other than Veronica) then the names don't have to keep being repeated everytime they do something. That's what pronouns are for. Other spots do something where the same information is repeated twice but just said in different ways, so I would try to avoid spots like that.

The dialogue was quite well written and I found it, for the most part, believable. I can feel their emotions theough the dialogue, which is nice. Their relationship is established really early on, and I like that its easy to kind of tell their personalities. The interactions are great, and the characters are really defined as their own, like I wouldn't be able to mix them up.

I do wish there were more thoughts involved. Wasn't Veronica the least but suspicious that Luke was on his phone the entire movie? How did Veronica forgive him so easily, both times actually. She seemed pretty mad in the beginning, and with just a hug she was okay, same with the second time. I feel like there should be more persuasion, or maybe she walks out and they argue in the lawn of something.

Finally, I feel like there is a lot of telling here. It's a lot of action, and to be honest, I'm not even sure what to imagine in my head for what the place looks like. I get that it's dark, but how's everything arranged? Is the house small? Try adding more descriptions in there with all the actions to help lift off the telling part.

Overall, this was an interesting read, and I hope to see more. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Hi.

So when I started reading this I found it to be very dialogue motivated. However, as it went on it sort of alternated between dialogue-description-dialogue etc. An interesting combination.

What Went Well

-The use of dialogue in terms of characterisation, it sped up the work and helped with the pacing too
- The style of writing for the target audience and the set-up of the relationships between them and how realistic it was.


Even Better If

- you found a way to combine the dialogue and the action and description together in paragraphs so it looks a bit more balanced and seamless. It will help with the flow. You have the pacing there, but the speech and description should be integrated
- introduce the characters a bit more fully, this is the first chapter and it's the chance for the characters to make an impression.

She leant into him, holding him tightly.