A/N: "Wide Island" is what Hiroshima means. This poem is from the view of the pilot, Paul Tibbets. Though there was an emotional side to the war, he, along with others, made the sacrifice of setting all that aside to complete, perhaps, one of the most world altering missions.
I wander through the wastes
Of a shattered testimonial.
Broken strings.
Split ends.
And a whole lot of nothing at all.
Time ticks by
On maimed hands
Mocking the existence
Of the fiend inside of me.
Calling out in static tones of thunder and fire.
Who is to say what is or
Isn’t?
For when shove
And atom
Meets push
The only thing that remains
Is broken stone
And fallen ash
Coating the earth like a sadistic
Blanket
Of sin.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
The first thing I noticed when reading looking at this poem was "woah!, it's aligned to the right" I don't know if you meant for there to be any significance in this, but I do think it added to the piece. It made me have to pay attention to the beginning of each line and made each line more abrupt. I think the topic works well with this abruptness though.
I think the two lines "Broken strings" and "Split ends" because both have double meanings. Broken strings makes me think of broken guitar strings or just literal broken strings and then split end makes me think of hair split ends. Having two phrases with double meanings so close to each other leaves room for misinterpretations.. You could potentially have someone reading this thinking that "split ends" just indicates a bad hair day.
Actually a lot of your lines have dual or vague meanings. This is probably okay it just makes some of the lines open to interpretation but it adds to the tone of confusion. And I think anyone walking around the devastation after Hiroshima would have been struck with confusion along with horror. I think you portray the destruction, confusion and maybe guilt (last 3 lines and 9th line) but I think you're missing the emotion of sorrow. If you add anything to the poem keep that in mind.
I like how you don't clarify whether the character/narrator is a Hiroshima citizen or a soldier.
Also the last 2 lines are a little odd because the line "Blanket" just as a stand alone line doesn't make much sense.
Overall I think there is some great imagery in this but I think you're are portraying emotion more than any sort of message and it might worth the edit to go back and try to add some sorrow or some personal connection to this. I mean you describe physical destruction but there's no real mention of the people who were destroyed or their lives. Actually the only real mention of human beings in this is the last line and the one about "maimed hands". Good luck in future works and thanks for posting!
~alliyah
Hi; tgirly here to review your poem. I'll try to make this good for a fellow After Watcher
This piece is beautiful. I love how the poem is aligned to the right. You can tell it was a conscientious decision and it really adds to the piece. It seems wrong, out of whack, which fits the subject of the poem. It also makes you concentrate on the ending more, how they're all at the same point like all the people who died that day. Really good decision.
On first read, the poem is beautiful, yes, but then as I continue to read it and understand what the poem's really about, it's actually quite chilling. The only part that I'm not quite sure of is the lines 'Mocking the existence Of the fiend inside of me."
My favorite part is 'For when shove And atom Meets push'. That's a really cool twist to an old saying.
There's a certain jaggedness or the line breaks which I really enjoy. But the line about lightning and fire seems a bit too long. Maybe this was to fit with the broken theme of the rest of the poem, but I feel with the other lines, the brokenness still flows (does that make sense?) but not so much with this line.
Glorious poem; I love it. I wish I could have helped more, but I can't find anything wrong with it; it's near perfect.
Beautiful formatting, beautiful wording, beautiful word play.
-tgirly
Hello, love. Aurora here for a little post review day reviewing.
Can I just say... Right side? Interesting.
I'm trying to think of what this represents.
I can't think of anything. Wait... Maybe the apocalypse? I like apocalypse.
I like the use of testimonial in the first line. Makes me think of the Christian version of apocalypse. Somehow, by putting shattered in front of it, you've managed to set the perfect mood for the rest of your poem.
One critique. In your third to last line, you use the word sadistic to describe blanket. I'd choose something else, because even a blanket of sin is weird when it's described as sadistic.
On the same not, I'm not sure why 'and atom' is between and push meets shove. I might change up the lines there so the phrase stays together. Also, the use of the word atom kind of took away from your over all apocalyptic, evil mood and made it sound too technical, too down to earth, too sciencey.
That's all I have, love.
Keep writing.
Aurora
The "when push and atom meets shove" part is deliberate, and I thought a lot about it. "When push comes to shove" is a common idiom, as you probably know, so I inserted the "and atom" in there because it was an atom bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima. We were fighting a war, pushing and shoving, and we let the atoms fly. This resulted in mass destruction of life.
Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
First of all, I was so used to reading poems on the left or center, this caught me off guard pretty quick xD Just saying before I get started.
I love this poem.
It's nice, interesting, and it's new to me. I never heard of an idea like this for a poem before so kudos to you c:
Also, the formatting is splendid.
Like I said, it caught me off guard xD
So, I think your other readers might feel the same as well.
Well, keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more c: