z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Mature Content

Full Lives

by Aley


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

Frailty of a dramatic heart,
count me a mountain as you sing your woes.
If I know what comes first, will you know
how it goes or is that just my job
as I watch you spin. Circles of drama
never just begin or end-inertia.

Of all frailty, does a drama program cover
the moments when they discover why it happened?
Why their heart quivers and begs for the unobtainable?

Their simple greeds: friends, family, food,
maybe some fresh towels, and spotless white rooms, organic food
and another puppy though the last was such a pain
oh! give me a fixer-upper, i can repair him
and it shall be a countryside tale. the story of a girl
too good for her lot in life; that is me.

The puppy gnaws on the straw structure, ruining the baby-proof edge
i don't have money to fix it, or time. The cat starts marking
the corners of anything wood, and clawing at the third dog
while the puppy humps a dead rabbit in the living room.

the shattered dwelling is a fishbowl for neighbors;
It is both someone's nightmare, and dream. The smell of vinegar,
urine, and ammonia pulls nose hairs out by fives.
Teach the baby some counting before i get back!
Work is in an hour, but sleep was bleaching the walls
of a house made of mud and dung.

Is it frailty to have a dramatic heart
when all they wanted was the American Dream?
I am the underdog by settling.
Where is my love story; who will come for me?
Cradling the gun in their teeth, they don't realize
they will live. The broken home will piss on the bed sheets
as they lay paralyzed, praying the abode will be condemned.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1493 Reviews

Points: 155511
Reviews: 1493

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 6:38 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there, Icy here to review seeing as you asked so kindly on the forum :)
This is really interesting. I love the way that you've not used a capital I in most of the italicised sections of the piece to show how the narrative voice views themselves as lowly or insignificant. It's actually a technique I adopted for some of my poetry and it's worked very well for you.

The only issue I've got here is a minor thing and a personal preference more than anything else:

Teach the baby some counting before I get back!


I'm never a fan of exclamation marks in literary work because I think it feels forced and unnatural. I understand that it's different because it's a thought/piece of speech but I don't see that it's necessary and could easily be substituted for a period.

Other than my little pet hate here I think this was a really good effort and I liked the way the meaning was threaded throughout. Unlike others, I didn't find it tricky to understand; I did have to read it multiple times but I feel that has to be done with a lot of poems.

I hope to come across some more of your work in the future.
Icy.




Aley says...


Hey IcyFlame,

Thank you for the review. I am going to keep my exclamation point for a couple reasons. The main one is that I don't mind that part feeling unnatural since she is in an unnatural life, expecting herself to be captured in this dream world of love and helpful hands between herself and her husband, but the other side of it is I want her to be shouting. I don't want to use capitalization to make her shout because I don't want to draw their attention to it any more than the italics already will. At the same time, I do want her to be loud to try to give the impression that she's leaving the house at that moment and trying to boss around those who remain via yelling back at them. This phrase sort of has become her "I love you, goodbye" message, and you don't just say that as you leave the house, you yell it. However, I cannot add a speech tag because these speech parts are just glimpses taken out of the home.

It's a bit of a conundrum. Do you think I should change it to capitals for screaming or leave it with the exclamation point?



User avatar
351 Reviews

Points: 11482
Reviews: 351

Donate
Thu Jun 26, 2014 9:03 pm
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, Aley.
Kanome here with a review for you.

Wow... some deep emotion is affecting this piece will.
I like it.
I love your wording in your writing. I could never write like you can.
That's makes you unique. One of a kind c: Yeah?

Anyways, I love the formatting of this piece too.
It flows well to what you are saying in this poem.
I see no grammar or content errors, as far as I know of.
All I can say is to keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more of your writing c:




User avatar
530 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 530

Donate
Thu Jun 26, 2014 11:17 am
View Likes
Renard wrote a review...



Hello.

Well when I first saw this I thought I was going to read prose: so the poetry was a nice surprise. :)

Now, I am taking the review of this stanza by stanza:

Frailty of a dramatic heart,
count me a mountain as you sing your woes.
If I know what comes first, will you know
how it goes or is that just my job
as I watch you spin Circles of drama
never just begin or end-inertia.


This reminds me of the Sound of Music. Partly the way it is written but also the established setting. "Circles" of drama is an interesting point, I'm not sure but the "inertia" thing is an interesting metaphor.

Of all frailty, does a drama program cover
the moments when they discover why it happened?
Why their heart quivers and begs for the unobtainable?


I don't quite understand this stanza to be honest. The way it's written doesn't really make sense to the character but it doesn't make sense to the reader anyway.

Their simple needs; friends, family, food, fresh towels, clean rooms
and another puppy though the last was such a pain
oh! give me a fixer-upper, i can repair him
and it shall be a countryside tale. the story of a girl
too good for her lot in life; that is me.


I like the list in the first line, because it adds emphasis. I don't see how infant dogs are relevant to this, it's all just... confusing. Is that what you're trying to do to the reader here? :)

The puppy gnaws on the straw structure, ruining the baby-proof edge
i don't have money to fix it, or time. The cat starts marking
the corners of anything wood, and clawing at the third dog
while the puppy humps a dead rabbit in the living room.


I can see that the puppy is becoming a relevant character. Money and time are key themes of the world itself and are quite controversial so kudos for bringing that into this.

the shattered dwelling is a fishbowl for neighbors;
It is both someone's nightmare, and dream. The smell of vinegar,
urine, and ammonia pulls nose hairs out by fives.
Teach the baby some counting before I get back!
Work is in an hour, but sleep was bleaching the walls
of a house made of mud and dung.


By this point I am totally lost. I don't think this is really relevant to the story? If there is one. I understand the premise of this poem, but it feels like you are going off on a tangent and you could have said all this in about eight lines.

Is it frailty to have a dramatic heart
when all they wanted was the American Dream?
I am the underdog by settling.
Where is my love story; who will come for me?
Cradling the gun in their teeth, they don't realize
they will live. The broken home will piss on the bed sheets
as they lay paralyzed, praying the abode will be condemned.


This last stanza really branches out and widens the scope of the ideology here. The American Dream and not being able to turn around. Maybe this is metaphorical and realistic at the same time.
It made me think, and that's definitely good.

Keep writing.
~R





Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides