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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Castor's Tale Chapter 2 Part 1 - Traveler's Tavern Is a Riot

by Messenger


The short man cracked his whip, and spurred the horses along. Dust roiled underneath their hooves and swirled past the wagon as it bounced along the well-worn path. The man looked around, enjoying his surroundings; plains stretching for miles in each direction with tree lines in the distance. On the right side of the wide path stood the only man-made structure in eyesight.

As the big wagon rolled up to building the driver pulled back on the reins, and slowly came to a stop. He looked over the building. It was rather small, with maybe only enough room to hold a loft for travelers. But that was fine. No reason to stay here a night.

He put the brake on and hopped off the wagon seat. There was a small veranda leading to the log-style looking building. A faded sign swung from rusted metal hinges, and it read Travelers Tavern. The man quickly stepped up to the door and swung it open.

A blast of smoke and tobacco, mixed with the repugnant smell of beer hit him like a battering ram. He coughed twice and then took a deep breath. He then entered, pulling off his black coat, and slinging it over his left shoulder. He ran a hand through his long brown hair.

]A quick survey of the interior showed five large round tables, crowded with beer mugs and littered with playing cards. There were too young lasses cleaning off the table with dirty rags. Both looked skimpily dressed, and the man wasn’t surprised, looking at the condition of the tavern.

Several burly men sat off to the right of the bar, which lay directly ahead of the short man. Each was puffing a pipe and playing a card game. The racks at the back of the bar were sparsely covered with bottles, and one big barrel of ale was turned over the edge of the bar for easy pouring. The short man stepped to the bar and said to the short, wiry bartender: “Give me a beer.”

“Yessir.”

The man pulled a large beer mug from underneath the bar, and filled it up to the brim. Foam threatened to spill over the edges as the tavern man handed it to the short man. He took it and sat at a table near the doorway. He took a large draft of the beer, wiping his lips with satisfaction.

“Nothing like some good beer to clear the trail dust out of your throat!” He took another drink and sat back in his chair, observing the card game. The one man whose hand he could barely see over his big shoulder, had quite a terrible hand. All but one card was below a five. The object of the game was to ascertain at least three ten’s, or two nobles. This player had none.

The short man took another swig of beer and smiled at the lass who walked by, cleaning the nearby table. “Hello,” he said, what’s our name?”

She smiled back shyly. “Oh, ‘ello. M’name is Susie.”

He stuck out his hand. “My name is Kinnard.”

She looked at his outstretched hand. Finally she put down her rag and wiped her hands on her apron. Then she took his hand.

“My, what beautiful hands you have,” the short man said.

Susie blushed and her hand fluttered to her chest as she shyly smiled. “Thank you sir. You is very kind.”

He released her hand and glanced over at the card player. He now had a noble. He must have gotten a good trade. A trade was done by discarding one of your cards in exchange for taking one blindly from the pile. It paid off that time.

One of the other players hollered: “Hey lass, where’s that beer I ordered!”

The other girl, much heavier than Susie, walked over. “I just give ya one! You already drunk it ya slob!”

The man stood up, sending his chair flying. “How dare ye speak to me like dat!”

He raised his hand back, but Kinnard quickly stood up. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

The man turned, hand still raised. “And just why would I not! You stay oot of my business!”

The plump girl turned to Kinnard. “Ya don’t need to take mah place! I can handle this buffoon any day o’ da week.” With that she sent a lightning jab at the man, sending him tumbling into the wall. A moose head pinned to the wall above, shuddered on the impact.

All but one of the other men at the table stood up. Kinnard watched as the last one, the one he’d been watching all along, scratched the back of his neck. But when he pulled his hand back down he held two nobles and a ten, along with a four and 2. That’s one way to win.

The large waitress was now was red-faced, and had her fists up like she was ready to take on the whole lot. But none of the men seemed to keen on taking on an angry woman. They slowly sat down, but the fifth man who had been barreled into the wall stood up, shaking his head.

“Ye’ll be regettin’ that’n!” He advanced on her, teeth barred.

Kinnard stepped past Susie, who had been watching frightfully, and caught the man’s fist as it come forward to hit the waitress. Then he twisted the arm back behind the man.

“I can break your arm if I wish. Now stop the fighting or I will.”

The waitress laughed loudly, like a chicken. “Oh did ya see that boys? This buffoon here dun got whupped by a wee little pretty boy.”

The man was sweating now. Five . . .four . . . three . . . two . . . one . . .

“Alright!” the man hollered. “Alright, matey, I’ll let the lass go!”

The short man turned to the waitress. “And if you wish to have customers enjoy your company, I’d suggest working on your manners.”

The woman guffawed. “Oh but I enjoy this. And anyone who speaks to me as if I was a cow, is gonna get a piece o’ mah fist!”

Kinnard pet go of the man and pushed him back into his chair. Everyone watched as he went back and sat down at his chair, next to Susie.

“Now, where were we?”


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Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:25 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, I love the waitresses. I also like the way you give them and the patrons of the tavern (Kinnard aside) dialogue that reflects a somewhat countrified, folksy dialect of speech, but you do it without spelling out all the dialogue phonetically, which is good because that gets hard to understand, sometimes.

Kinnard kind of gave me creepy vibes at first, to be honest, when he said "What's our name" and "my, what beautiful hands you have," but then he seemed to be something of a gentleman? So I guess the questions that came off as a little creepy were actually just him being nice...but you may want to revise so it comes across that way rather than like he's a lecherous old creep.

(I love his name, though.)

Kind of a pet peeve of mine to introduce to the viewpoint character by a generic term like "the man," because it tells us absolutely zero about the character and introduces a false sense of mystery. If he is the viewpoint character, he knows his name and what he does for a living...so that actually isn't a mystery. It's just being withheld from the reader for dramatic effect, which is annoying. In my opinion. Not all readers are bothered by it, and it's not enough to make me stop reading a book, but it's become somewhat cliche.

If you want to leave his name until he introduces himself, I'd say that's okay--but in that case, give him a more definite title than "the short man," which is a minimal descriptor that I soon forgot. Like when you used it the second time, I was like, "Wait, who's the short man" and had to go back to the beginning to remember that the short man was the viewpoint character. Use something more memorable, like his occupation or a less generic description than "short."

I don't see the point of this scene yet, as much as I enjoyed it, but since it's only the first part of the second chapter I'll wait and see. Based on the ending of it, my prediction would be that Kinnard is going to try to ask Susie for some sort of information.

Guess I'll have to read further and find out :)

<3
Your loving mother




Messenger says...


thank you Mummy. Yeah Kinnard is a little creepy. We shall see how he turns out when I edit. And yes, Kinnard is such a good name is it not? "the man" was for TLMSC, and ended up kind of messing up so it will be edited out for sure! :)

Oh the scene explains itself, although perhaps too quick. >.>



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Fri Jun 20, 2014 10:35 pm
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tgirly wrote a review...



First off, I want to say that I love your chapter title; it's very punny. And, though I might miss a pun or two now and again, when I do notice them, I appreciate them.
Onto the meat and potatoes of the review. (I may not be using that saying right, but I think it works.)
I love the word roiled.
"plains stretching for miles in each direction with tree lines in the distance" Sounds a lot like South Dakota! I don't know if that's good or bad; I just felt like noting it.
I would try to make it clear that Traveler's Tavern isn't the place where Castor works, maybe by mentioning the name of that place in a previous chapter to make the distinction obvious right away.
"who had been watching frightfully" This is the only grammatical mistake I could find; phrasing it this way makes it seem like the watching is frightful, not that she's frightened by what she's watching if that makes sense.
All I can say about the plot over all is, I have no idea what any of this has to do with Castor (I assume you'll link it together in later chapters), but I love it. It has the perfect amount of details; from the man cheating while the others were distracted by the fight to the plump waitress taking on the offender herself. My only recommendation is to be very, very careful when writing out dialect; yours is pretty clear but sometimes the meaning can be lost amid apostrophes and noun-verb-disagreements, and if your not careful, it can get out of hand and look a bit cheesy. Writing dialects a bit of a tight rope which I think, for the most part so far, you're walking pretty well.
Hope this review helped.
-tgirly




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Tue Jun 03, 2014 7:00 pm
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r4p17 wrote a review...



First of all I think that you should be more economical with your chapter titles. Shorter titles tend to be better than long ones. In this case you should probably change it to "Riot At Traveler's Tavern. Now onto the chapter's content:I like the accents use by your characters. It makes the story more uniuque though you may need to add a few letters to some of the words such as "regettin'". Also at the beginning of the fifth paragraph you have a "]" which you should take out. But overall this is a pretty good chapter though a bit too short.




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Sun May 25, 2014 4:50 pm
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notresponsible wrote a review...



Hello It's notresponsibe,

First i would like to apologize for jumping into your story a little late (better late than never I guess). After I send in this review i will go back and read from the beginning.

From the dialogue, title and the writing I'm guessing this is like a pirate story? (just a guess).
I enjoy those types of stories. I like how you described the place. By describing the tavern in that manner I figured there was going to be a fight or some kind of violence.


The transition from the tension to the bar fight could have been stronger. Like if the drunk man was visibly obnoxious as opposed to the man flipping out because he was called a slob.
You put "too" instead of "two" when you said,"There were too young lasses cleaning off the table with dirty rags."
you said "pet" instead of "let" in the sentence third from the last. These are a common mistakes.

But other than that your story sounds interesting. I look forward to reading more.




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Thu May 22, 2014 5:18 pm
Aley wrote a review...



There were too young lasses cleaning off the table with dirty rags.

Wrong "to" To go to the store is too much of a shame just to by two gallons of milk.
You're looking for two, or the number, instead of too, as in an excessive amount.

“Hello,” he said, what’s our name?”

I'm assuming this was supposed to be your.
Also you missed a quotation " mark

Finally she put down her rag and wiped her hands on her apron. Then she took his hand.

Then is a conjunction word when used like that, connecting two things that could be two separate sentences. You use it too much in this story, and if you put it at the start of a sentence like this, it becomes a fragment.

I feel like you're trying to combine too many sentences together with all of the "then" statements. You could probably go through this story and take out half of them to improve it another degree.

I understand we're just in the first few chapters, but why did we switch away from Castor so suddenly? Shouldn't we at least be in their bar? Who is this new guy?
I think I know more about what he looks like than Castor because you focused on different aspects of their physique.

As a general rule, I wouldn't try to introduce too many characters at once. We're not even really into the story with Castor yet and you've brought in this other person whom we don't have a connection to. It's made it hard to determine who is who in this narrative. Do we have a clear main villain, or a main character? What plot are we going to follow? Do we really need to know that he defended some waiter in a bar? Is it relevant to the plot?

These are just some questions to consider as you move along to the editing stages. Exclude anything that doesn't move the plot forward.





Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson