z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Tale of the Argonauts: The Osorezu and the Hana (Chapter 6-1)

by ulala8


The Past

Risa was the first Goddess to be born of two deities. On the night of a lunar eclipse, Lano and Kurin declared their love to each other. From this love was born a pure being-- a being of love. This being became known as the Goddess of Love as her connection to the force was rooted deep in her soul. The Goddess was a beautiful and kind. Her hair fell in beautiful silver curls that reached her breasts. Her face was shaped like a heart and her thick lips were always tugged into a smile. The people knew her to take the form of a swan and they came to know that as her patron. She loved, more than anything, uniting lovers that were tied together by fate.

Fate was fluid and at chance to change, but the Goddess knew from the birth of these people. She saw fate as ribbons that held people together. If they were meant to have lasting relationships, then they were to be connected via a ribbon. However, if she did not unite these couples, then their fates would change and they would most likely find themselves in an unhappy relationship.

The people of the village had moved out into new areas and had set up there. They made towns and the towns grew in sizes and became cities. This made Risa’s job more difficult as her dominion expanded. Her eyes could only follow so many people at once and she could only touch the lives of so many.

When spring came about, lovers were in a high concentration. The Goddess did her best to unite all of the couples that she could. There were the carpenter and the baker’s daughter that she united beside the lake. There were the blacksmith and the dress-maker at sunset. There were the dancer and the farrier, the chef and the farmer, the painter and the flute player… She was quickly overwhelmed by the couples and a few were neglected. This spring, there were more people this year than ever before and the Goddess quickly retired from her work. She simply couldn’t keep up with all of the couples. She felt sick and she had a fever.

As she had retired, many couples were not able to meet each other and many others were able to get together which would end in disaster. Many people were unhappy, but the days grew longer and spring was soon over. This locked their relationships as Risa no longer had any dominion over the world. She could only manipulate spring as it was mating season.

However, there was a couple that deserved true love more than anything-- Datsu and Kaiya. Datsu had been born into poverty and he lived on the streets, begging for his living. However, when he had aged 10 years old, he had been taken in for an apprenticeship by a carpenter. Kaiya was the daughter of a well off man, but for her entire life she had endured abuse and cruelty. As soon as she was large enough, her father began to give her to other men as party favours. By age eighteen, she had lost count of how many men she had slept with.

Risa took pity on this couple. The thread that tied them together was so thin, but it glowed gold. They were separated by class, but they shared their suffering. The Goddess worked for days before she produced a crown. This crown as forged of rose gold and was fixed with rubies and sapphires over the expanse of the structure. Vines of silver traversed the crown as if they were living, fluid vines. The crown was so beautiful that it left the Goddess in awe for a moment. However, the crown was also magic. When placed upon the head of a mortal, their fate would solidify and they would be drawn to their ideal match.

On the eve of the summer solstice, the Goddess descended from the heavens and bestowed upon Kaiya the crown. Once it touched her head, Risa could see the her fate glowed more brightly than any that she had ever seen. It was nearly as bright as the sun.

Kaiya thanked the Goddess, but thought nothing more of it as she assumed that Risa were only a fellow noble and that this was a compensation for her husband’s actions so many years ago. She then turned and left, drawn by fate toward Datsu. Upon seeing him, Kaiya knew in her heart that she loved him, as did Datsu.

The Goddess Risa returned to the Godly haven without much commotion. From that day forth, she protected Kaiya and Datsu with her Godly honour and didn’t allow for anything to stand between them. Their love was easy and wonderful. They had one child-- a daughter. They made sure that she always felt safe and cared for. They also made sure that she was happy and that she was comfortable. She would not live in poverty, nor would she be guided into impurity. When time came for the two to pass on, Kaiya decided to give the crown to her daughter.

When the daughter had grown into the crown, she too found her love. However, she didn’t know the secrets of this crown, nor did she feel such an attachment to the crown as her mother had, and she sold it off for a fine price. Risa guided the crown from hand to hand and made sure that the couple whose love was to be strongest received the crown.

Soon, the crown disappeared into the growing population and people forgot about it. The crown fell away into legend and became an object of pursuit.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Tue May 20, 2014 5:48 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Yes! Ulala, I have made it to the final chapter!

Again what a brilliant legend. I don't have much to say here, apart from two little nitpicks. But really, this was a prefect chapter and you should keep up the quality writing. The idea of the crown is lovely, although it is sad it is so forgotten. I guess that sort of thing just happens with age. Also, you made it sound like without Risa any other relationship is horrible. Make sure you mention that without her it was down to chance whether a relationship would blossom or fall flat. It's not like if she busy watching the crowd everyone's relationship fails! Otherwise there would be a lot of trouble.

There were the carpenter and the baker’s daughter that she united beside the lake. There were the blacksmith and the dress-maker at sunset. There were the dancer and the farrier,


All the were's here should be was's instead. This because when you use was in the past tense you are thinking about particular things, and were is for plurals. But there are not multiple carpenters marrying multiple baker's daughters, are there? Which means was is appropriate.

They also made sure that she was happy and that she was comfortable. She would not live in poverty


It would be smoother to write, "She would never live in poverty."

But apart from those two points, this is just perfect. Message me on my wall or something when you post another chapter! I would love to keep reading this :)

Deanie x




User avatar
131 Reviews


Points: 7350
Reviews: 131

Donate
Sun May 18, 2014 5:44 am
chancesnchanges wrote a review...



Hi! again :) ..

I like what this chapter wants to impart. That you'll find love even in the most improbable kind of situation, whether romantically or not. The thought of it, calms the mind and heart.

I just encounted a few errors:

The Goddess was a beautiful and kind.

However, when he had aged turned 10 years old,

As soon as she was large mindful enough,

However, the crown was also magic on its own.

They were blessed with a had one child-- a daughter. or simply They had a daughter


But, then again, I like this chapter. Now, they're in search for the crown.
I would like to know how will these events affect the whole story..
Keep writing :)

> Cha




User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Donate
Sun May 04, 2014 3:46 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo! Buggie here for a review.
Anyway, some nitpicks:
I don't think the parenthesis thing at the end is necessary. It takes us out of this world and it's legends, and that's not something you want to do.
You have a typo in the seventh paragraph (you forgot the 'w' on 'was'!)
In the first paragraph, your use of 'enjoyed' makes Risa's intentions seem much less pure than they are. I would use 'loved' instead.
And lastly, in paragraph 5, the phrase 'out of commission' seems out of place. It's a very modern phrase, and the rest of the legend is described more in a old-timey way.

But anyways, very nice job here. You know, you could probably enter one of these tales in the contest I'm holding (The Fairy Tale Campfire) and at least place. (Not to mention you'd get high marks on originality!) I know one of the other contestants did that.

Okay, I'm done with my advertising. Now for the technical stuff. I think that you could use a lot more pronouns in this piece. We see 'the crown' repeated several times within a short amount of space, when it is still relevant enough to replace 'the crown' with 'it'.

And... I think that's it from me. You did great with this one! (And if you wouldn't mind, could you let me know when you post the next chapter?)




ulala8 says...


I wouldn't mind updating you at all and I'll definitely join the Fairy Tale Campfire.




Carpe Diem
— Catullus