Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
The angel
It sits beside me
Red covering its hands
With my heart
Gripping my soul
Leaving me to die
Slowly tearing me apart
Smiling away
Laughing as it pulls out the knife
Cutting through my heart
Slitting my throat
No chance to live
No chance to love
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey there! Hadj battling here for review day victory
Ouch. This was violent, creepy, and really amazing
It was interesting and unexpected to have an angel attacking the speaker, and so it really made me think.
I would suggest leaving out one of the mentions of the heart
"Red covering its hands with my heart" or "Cutting through my heart", because when I got to the second one I thought, wait, did I already read about their heart being cut?
Other than that this is practically flawless. Great work, and keep writing!
~Hadj
I was kind of skeptical at first about this being a religious poem because it starts out with "The angel" as a complete line. To me that says that the angel is the most important, vivid image you're going to elect in the poem, and it sort of holds true. I feel like you might want to play with your line breaks a bit more. "The angel sits beside me/red covering his[her] hands/with my heart gripping my soul" If you break it up different, you're going to find a new poem and you might like it better.
Personally I feel like this poem's structure is it's biggest fault. We get through it so fast because of that structure that we don't have time to see the vivid imagery of this bloody angel. If you add more descriptors of the blood on the hands, try to make them less surface, and more like how it would feel or look like it felt. That, along with playing with structure is going to help this poem. You might also consider taking away the capitals because you lack punctuation.
This is hauntingly beautiful, it really is.
The only thing that I might suggest, and it would depend on where you wanted to put the emphasis, is splitting up the line "Laughing as it pulls out the knife".
So,
Laughing
As it pulls out the knife.
I think that splitting the line helps with the flow of the poem.
Regardless of that though, this is really amazing.